Did he assault me?

[JollyAwesome]

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

I believe your husband reacted that way out of panic. You probably scared the shit out of him. Reaching behind you whilst DRIVING to pick up CRISPS?? I do hope you realize how shockingly dumb that was.

Thank you, both. Tough crowd on here tonight!

I honestly don't feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. The two prior shoving incidents were really silly (although upsetting at the time) and happened over a 15 yr period. Todays incident was also really stupid. He has apologised profusely and said whist he did consider my actions dangerous, he should never have grabbed me like that and refuse to let go. He said he let his anger get the better of him and that he felt really ashamed.

I've just bee sat here questioning myself over the past hour, thinking, god did I deserve that? I'm an idiot, therefore I deserved to have that happen? I deserve to have a big bruise on my arm right now.

Aqua

Yes I think we have ascertained how shockingly dumb I am. But thank you for the input.

OP - you're getting the same reaction again and again because people tend to read the initial post and just reply

If I were you I'd consider leaving this thread, I think you'll probably just get a lot more of the same.

(For the record, yes I think you shouldn't have reached back for the crisps and a small arm grab would be understandable but it doesn't sound like that's what this was and i think that's being missed somehow. If he seemed angry rather than frightened and used more force than necessary then it doesn't sound right to me. I'm uncomfortable with it)

That's sound advice sour I think you're right. Nothing more to be gained from this.

Where was your partner sitting? If next to you he could have grabbed the steering wheel and not your arm.

Was he moody before you set off or did his mood change? Was he hangry?

He swore at you before you even tried to pick up the crisps.

He was out of order swearing in front of your child.
He was out of order grabbing hold of you and hurting you.

I am sure you have since learnt it wan’t A good idea to try to pock the crisps up - live and learn.

You didn’t deserve a bruise OP. It’s hard for anyone here to judge really.
Was there anything else going on today that meant you were both more fraught than usual? It just seems a strange flare up in an otherwise healthy relationship.

OP, I'm sorry you have had a load of shit on this thread. People just love having something to beat someone with. Even when you realised and admitted that you acted irresponsibly they can't leave it alone. Every board is AIBU on here right now.

The problem is, when it happens on this board it can be very dangerous. Usually people post when there is a history of this behaviour and usually when you get talking to the OP other stuff comes out. These type of responses just stop people getting the help that may actually need.

Other people will be reading this thread and it might stop them from posting. Some posters would do well to remember this is not AIBU.

I understand your husband grabbing your arm, there is no excuse for him not to let it go, especially if he was concerned about safety. It doesn't make sense to grab someone's arm to stop them from causing a car accident, then continue to keep hold of it and furiously shake it if he was that concerned about you crashing.

This, coupled with the two times he pushed you when he was drinking is not good.

Grabbing your arm and letting it go is understandable. Bruising you, holding onto it and shaking it furiously is not acceptable, under any circumstances.

I mean judge the situation.

The bruise, no. You didn’t deserve that.

The two prior shoving incidents were really silly (although upsetting at the time) and happened over a 15 yr period.

Pushing you because he was drunk and jealous is not acceptable behaviour and should never have happened.

Three times now he has being physically aggressive towards you. I think pushing you is physically aggressive.

Don't downplay this.

It's funny you should say about everything being AIBU! I posted in relationships specifically to try and avoid that type of poster, but still someone told me to get this moved to relationships, so assumed this was in AIBU!

Maybe I am downplaying it. God this is so hard. The shoving incidents were so long ago. After the incident today, he said he's never done anything like that before......until I reminded him about the other two occasions.....

We've had some other issues over the years, mainly passive aggressive tendencies. I thought it was behind us. He definitely wasn't being passive today, just aggressive! It really did seem totally disproportionate given what was going on. That's why I found it so shocking.

After posting this thread and reading the first few pages of responses, I was sat thinking that I completely deserved it.

and yes there was a bit of tension between us prior to the incident, but nothing major. Nothing that I felt would have lead to his outburst.

Did your behaviour change after the shoving or did his?

What I mean is; did he stop getting drunk and jealous or did you stop talking to men?

Yes he has assaulted you. Its unacceptable. You arent innocent in this incident either, but his actions werent proportionate or justified. I would be very angry if my DP drove as you did but I wouldnt assault him (!!)

I would be leaving any partner for shoving me. Ever. In fact if my DP started insisting I was flirting with people when I wasnt, and being jealous and aggressive, that would be enough. Without shoving. Doesnt matter if it came after 3 years or 20 years. Thats where I stand on that. I wouldnt do that to someone, so I wouldnt accept someone doing that to me.

I think you are getting a hard time because it was a bit of a drip feed which maybe undermines the authenticity of the story. Ive tried to ignore that.

He definitely drinks far less than he did back then. We very rarely get drunk like that these days, maybe once a year. However I will admit that I do have my guard up if heavy drinking is involved.

His jealously hasn't only been reserved for men either. He has form for being jealous of my friendships. However, over the past two years there has been a significant improvement on this front. He admitted he had an issue and took steps to deal with it and he has. I feel like today was a massive step backwards in some respects. It makes me so sad.

Sounds like you overreacted a bit to the situation and then he massively overreacted. It also sounds like you both may have a bit of negativity hanging around between you. Maybe it’s nothing major, could be a lot of little squabbles that r building up or something else bubbling under the surface and that’s why it just erupted so quickly. Worth thinking about and addressing the underlying issue/anger if possible.

I have no idea whether you should be concerned about the shoving etc. I’d probably keep an eye on it. Any sign that it’s escalating or becoming more frequent should be taken very seriously.

I think many replies are ignoring the fact that no matter how wrong you were to ignore his “in a minute “ his aggression and violence is not the answer. Your dh shouldn’t make you feel unsafe.

You shouldn’t make him either...next time forget the crisps and drive safely.

My DH is not the courts, nor the police, nor my jailer. He therefore does not get to physically restrain me, no matter how stupid he thinks my decisions are.

I am stunned that posters think men can bruise women and restrain them, swearing at them. For any reason.

I sometimes think there is an actual concerted effort from misogynistic quarters to make this place unsafe for women. Otherwise there's an awful lot of apologists for male violence.

I think the negative reaction from posters comes from two things; 1. Is that you took a very long time to accept that your action was reckless in the extreme and very much an over reaction to the situation (ie the spilt crisps) and 2. that you took a ‘martyr’ tone in the way you expressed yourself (always an instant way to rile the crowds on here) and keep using trigger words like ‘oh then I deserved it, I deserved a bruise’ etc. It’s not about ‘deserve’ - that feels like you trying to guilt trip a certain reaction out of posters, a bit like you tried to guilt trip your husband to immediately reach the crisps (I’m not saying you did or didn’t but it’s an easy interpretation).

So much on mumsnet is all in the phrasing. Of course he shouldn’t have grabbed your arm, hurt you, or restrained you while driving. If you’d come on and said ‘I made an idiot move while driving but his reaction seemed ott’ I think it would have gone differently.

You might want to think about how much you expect him to do as he’s told though and whether as an adult you would feel ok with being expected to drop what you’re doing and immediately do something you deem unimportant. It’s one I have to remind myself of as I do similar with DH and it’s pretty controlling.

I have to agree, I thought the same. I was shocked that the vast majority of posters seemed hellbent on zoning in on my misdemeanours whilst completely ignoring his actions.

I was also criticised for drip feeding but come on, I can hardly type out my whole life story. Of course there have been other issues in my marriage but at the time of writing the thread, I was purely concentrating on what had happened today.

Having said that, this thread has forced me to look at the deeper issues and I cannot deny that he does have an anger problem. Yes I know I said he was placid, because he can be, he really can. Or maybe I m clinging on to what he used to be. I cannot deny he has changed over the years.

I am shocked at the amount of victim blaming that is going on, on this thread. I feel Mumsnet has let you down.

Yes, your dh has assaulted you.

Your original thinking is correct. Dont listen to them that say different.
There was a similiar thread on here about a year ago, when a woman (passenger) got punched in the face by her dp (driving). She also got a beating on Mumsnet, for the very very minor misdemeanor which was her part in the event.

You were probably reaching back to prevent upset and tears from a child who is just about to lose his treat, as opposed to cleaning up mess.

@bibbadee shame on you!

What a completely silly use of the term victim-blaming.

The OP engaged in very dangerous behaviour that could have killed her family and other road users. It was stupid in the extreme.

That doesn't mean her DH isn't abusive. However, her DH's abusive behaviour does not excuse the OP's stupidity. Likewise, her stupidity does not excuse her DH's abusive behaviour.

The whole relationship sounds seriously toxic. I feel sorry for the 4 yo child.

I don't blame him. It was a panicked reaction. Even if he did leave a bruise.

Howevee you did assault him "in self defence" which is BS by the way because as you said he had let go at that point so you assaulted him in anger.

I'm sure your child could have waited for the poxy crisps

Both my exH and I have reached behind while driving. One child screams when annoyed if he drops a toy etc. One day my steering wobbled. No accident thankfully but I never did it again. you are not alone in making that mistake.

You didn't deserve to be bruised. Posters saying that his actions were justified are justifying him bruising you.

It's good that you have argued back here I think op. It feels the thread has pushed you into feeling stronger about what is and isn't ok.