Did he assault me?

[JollyAwesome]

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

OP - I am with you that he is out of line and clearly there is an issue here that this situation even arose. As you say he could have just shoved your arm back to the wheel and told you he would deal with the crisps.

Question is what are you going to do now?

So nobody on this thread has ever briefly turned around (I'm talking a split second) whilst driving? Or reached your arm backwards to give your child something?

Well, speaking for myself, the answer to that is NO, I have never done such a thing. Why would I? I am sane.

And I worked for a trauma service for many years - believe me, this is the sort of action that ruins lives. Please do not even think of doing such a thing again.

Your OH was also out of order and compounded the already dangerous situation that you had caused by holding on to your arm.

If only some people really realised that cars are lethal weapons and a split second divides safety from carnage.

You’re both as bad as each other.

He should never have pushed you or bruised him.

You shouldn’t have risked your child’s life or hit him, because it wasn’t self-defence.

Also, if you were panicking about reaching the steering wheel, why then did you still use that hand to “lash out”?

If you’re violent together, in front of your child, you shouldn’t be together.

@JollyAwesome

I stand by my 1st and 2nd post. Tip of the iceberg... You both need a chat about your resentment for each other. Learn from this and move forward if you can. Good luck.

Well I can understand him being angry and thinking what you initially did was dangerous. But then his actions contradict that by a grabbing your arm and not letting go while driving actually makes the situation more dangerous and likely to have an accident
Idk tbh
The only thing I can compare it too is when my partner was driving and his phone went off and he panicked lay fumbled to grab it as he always does when it goes off in the car and I find that dangerously. So I very loudly and sternly told him to PUT DOWN THE PHONE but then that distracted him more (not my intention) and so he pulled over to talk on the phone and we agreed he shouldn't do it again. I think th difference is that I didn't like, grab his phone off him in the car in anger cause clearly that would like totally dangerous

I think the op has acknowledged that was she attempted to do was dangerous but clearly from her updates there's a lot more to this than the original op.
Being jealous and shoving you definitely is assault.

You both were very wrong and have some issues to tackle both separately and together.

Don't either one of you ever endanger the rest of us on the road by picking up fucking crisps or being overly aggressive. We don't deserve our lives being taken because of this madness.

Thank you, yes I have very much acknowledged that my actions were wrong but still there are posters who can't help but jump on the bandwagon and reiterate over and over and over that I'm an idiot. FWIW the crisps were not all over the floor.....but anyway....

Yes I do feel he made a dangerous situation worse and I won't bother telling you what idiotic things he has done whilst driving as no doubt it will only attract more insults.

I think he had a violent emergency reaction to perceived danger which ended up out of control, and was made worse by his anger that you reached back to clear the crisps while driving. Perhaps under the circumstances it would be worth taking this behaviour of his as an exceptional one-off, and worth giving him another chance.

I do realise though that it must have been horrible for you and am very sorry.

I can't believe I have to share road with you Op. ffs. So dangerous. Like a PP mentioned, what if a car had mounted the pavement killing your dc and the driver said "oh so sorry I was trying to clear up spilt crisps my child dropped all over their car seat".

If my DH did something like this I'd probably grab his arm pretty aggressively too.

Also, you say you lashed out in self defence, what did you do?

Kind word of advice??

Get this thread deleted, there are hundreds of bored women just waiting to verbally attack people.

This site is horrendous for "advice".

Thank you Wild. I appreciate that.

I agree that the best way to move forward now is to start a new thread about the times he’s shoved you. This incident is justifiable because of your dangerous actions but that doesn’t mean he’s not assaulted you before.

I have admitted I was wrong. What more can I do? Beg for forgiveness?

When I said I lashed out, he had a VERY firm hold of my retracted left arm, preventing me from getting it back to the steering wheel. I was furiously shaking it saying "let go, let go", as I managed to shake it free I struck out at him. It all happened very fast.

Both as bad as eachother. Arguing whilst driving over a flipping bag of crisps! Get a grip. And teach your child to wait.

I agree I really don't think there's any need to continue to heap scorn on someone who's admitted their fault.
Seems like each poster wants to be more outraged than the one before and it's extremely unhelpful at this point.

pointless yes it does seem very harsh on here at times. I admit I deserved to be told I was reckless.....but to be told you're an idiot/stupid over and over and over.....it would appear that there are lots of people who just cannot wait to stick the knife in and give it a good old twist.

@JollyAwesome okay so him shoving you like that is so bad love. For flirting, whether you were or not? That's really not on. If he did that is he the possessive type? Does he ever monitor phone use or anything like that?

It's okay to say what else he does, ignore people still sniping at you, yes you made a mistake but this clearly goes a lot deeper.

His initial action of grabbing you was understandable- I’d probably throw in a what the fuck too- he was eating. The crisps don’t matter. You let your child eat in the ca, spillage is inevitable. I’d want to eat my sandwich before cleaning up mess from my child too. There was no need to risk all of your lives for crisps you allowed your kid to have. BUT! When it became obvious he was hurting you and you were distressed- and he was now at risk of causing the argument, he should have stopped. He grabbed you, you hit him. I do r see it as assault but a situation where you both should look at your behaviour

it would appear that there are lots of people who just cannot wait to stick the knife in and give it a good old twist.

Yes I think it's because they've only read your opening post and commented.

Come off the thread now and go to bed and chill.

I have ptsd from a bad crash and am a very nervous passenger. A guy I was dating knew this, and while we were driving on a dual carriageway (70mph) took both hands off the wheel gesticulating while talking. Probably 3-4 seconds. I said hello?! Ptsd! And he gaped at me open mouthed and said incredulously 'don't you trust me?!' Then did it AGAIN. God knows how far we travelled with him not in control of the car. It was terrifying. But I did NOT touch him as that could take him by surprise and he could lose control. I may have called him a cunt instead

I said it was out of character because, in the grand scheme of things, it really was. There have been two shoving incidents over the course of 15 years and he really is a placid person.

So today, his outburst, whilst partly justified due to my recklessness, really took me by surprise, it shocked me because the level of anger (I guess you just had to be there) was really not appropriate. I did not deserve to be grabbed and physically hurt like that. Yes he could have just said "keep both your hands on the fucking steering wheel" in an aggressive/pissed off manner and I probably deserved that. But it went beyond that.

I don't feel at risk, or perhaps i'm being really naive. According to the vast majority of posters, I deserved it today.

I'm not going to go over the dangerous driving as it's been done to death...
His reaction was completely wrong, how did he think holding your arm & preventing you putting it back on the steering wheel was helping a dangerous situation exactly?
This coupled with drunken jealous pushing doesn't make him sound very pleasant, I'd be having a really good look at my relationship if I was you.

OP I cannot believe the nasty pile on that's happening.

OF COURSE grabbing someone's arm and refuse by to let go, hard enough to bruise them is assault. He may have been worried or shocked or whatever but it's still assault.

If he's shoved you in a drunken jealous rage before that's also assault.

I cannot understand the mob shittiness that goes on here sometimes. Even if there is only the smallest chance the OP is in an abusive relationship, the nastiness is further traumatizing her.

If you need support OP, start a new thread and hopefully the arseholes will find somewhere else to spout.