Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Did he assault me?

191 replies

JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 19:55

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

OP posts:
Fruitcocktail6 · 15/02/2018 21:06

Sorry, but my interpretation of this is he panicked because you reached round to the back of the car while driving, over some crisps, that he didn't want to pick up while he was eating, which is perfectly reasonable. both of you behaved dangerously.

Coolaschmoola · 15/02/2018 21:06

Some people do OP - prisons have quite a few people in them for death by dangerous driving...

Snowydaysarehere · 15/02/2018 21:06

Your dh was more scared his life was valued less than your tidy car!!
Please let him drive next time. Your dc deserves dps more than his crisps.

laudanum · 15/02/2018 21:07

No you shouldn't have reached back as you did, but all the while he was gripping your arm, he was also endangering everyone in the car.

• You shouldn't have reached back.
• He should have let go rather than holding on for so long.
• Stopping the car to cool off was a good idea.
• He might have acted out of fright but he shouldn't have held on for so long.
• That happening was better than you all being dead because of an accident.

Both of you showed problematic behaviour. They were just crisps.

Has he been physical with you before?

AthenasOwl · 15/02/2018 21:08

It only takes a split second of distraction for an accident to occur...I wouldn't have cared about the crisps.

Lovemusic33 · 15/02/2018 21:09

No Hmm I have pulled the car over many times when my daughter has lost a toy and is screaming but have never reached back. A few crisps can wait, it’s crisps not fire 🔥

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 21:10

Ok, I acted recklessly. I shouldn't have been distracted by my child, I shouldn't have assumed I could quickly grab the crisps whilst keeping my eyes firmly on the road and my other hand on the wheel.

But how on earth can his actions be justified? He restrained me and wouldn't let go! Has he really done nothing wrong here? If so then I'm clearly a fucking idiot and need to go and have a word with myself.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 15/02/2018 21:11

OP, has he been violent to you in the past? Or was this a one off?

If it was a one off I think it was justified, maybe you are upset because it’s not the first time has acted this way?

TheAntiBoop · 15/02/2018 21:12

You clearly don't think you did anything wrong(despite your attempt to shut down comments on your behaviour in your last post). That means you will do it again. That worries me.

Only you know if what he did was excessive or not but you seem very keen to castigate your husband. What else is going on?

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 21:12

See I'm seeing the tip of an ice burg here op? What's going on? You guys resenting each other?

Joysmum · 15/02/2018 21:13

So nobody on this thread has ever briefly turned around (I'm talking a split second) whilst driving?

And so you still don’t think you’re wrong Angry

Your dh was tight to hold on to you as he probably didn’t think you’d realised you’d done the wrong thing a d would try again.

Given you’re trying to justify yourself now, he would have been right so he did the right thing.

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 21:13

I just said I acted recklessly! I was being serious!

And yes, he has shoved me a couple of times before. But perhaps I deserved it.

OP posts:
SantaClauseMightWork · 15/02/2018 21:15

I think YABVU. You could have caused a crash and you put too many lives in danger for a packet of fucking crisps. That sounds OCD to me. Are you always this much trouble? That's not an error of judgment. That's a potentially fatal error. You need anger management.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2018 21:15

And yes, he has shoved me a couple of times before. But perhaps I deserved it.

That’s a bit of a drip feed.

What were the circumstances? Unless he was shoving you out of the path of on oncoming car, it’s difficult to see how that could be your fault.

MadMags · 15/02/2018 21:16

Drip drip!

You could have killed your child! And how was it self-defence if you lashed out after he’d let go?

Bringmewineandcake · 15/02/2018 21:16

He was absolutely wrong to hold onto your arm for a long period of time, and tightly enough to cause a bruise. No one is excusing that.
You were wrong to do what you did. There’s a reason you’re supposed to have both hands on the wheel while you’re driving.

Bowerbird5 · 15/02/2018 21:19

You were both wrong.

You should never have put your arm back while driving. He obviously realised the danger and got a fright. His initial grab of your arm indicated this but continuing to hold it was wrong.
He has apologised and I hope you did to for putting lives in danger.
I would put it behind you as a day of mistakes. It is up to you whether you take it further.

Samewitches · 15/02/2018 21:20

But WHY did the crisps need picking up so urgently? If your child was upset you could have told him to calm down, it's ok etc until you could pull over for someone to retrieve the bloody things. You were driving, your responsibility is to be safe for your passengers and other road users! You've also said you are shocked and it was not normal for your DH to respond like this. And that you lashed out at him.
I don't think he was in the wrong, he should have let go sooner but if you were driving and reaching and then thrashing to remove the arm I think I'd have panicked too. Similar to if you have a toddler about to step into the road and you grab them and they start thrashing about in objection to being grabbed, you grip and pull harder in response to them putting themselves in danger and then possibly making it worse. Sounds to me like you both need to apologise.

OverwhelminglyCrap · 15/02/2018 21:20

In your first post you said "This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that."

Now, after you've been told you were wrong, you're saying he's shoved you a few times.

Which is it? "...very much out of character..." or an abuser?

Masonmumny12 · 15/02/2018 21:20

Word of advice op... Don't ask an opinion of others only to be shocked and annoyed at the response.

restingbemusedface · 15/02/2018 21:24

You would rather drive dangerously with your family in the car than have a few crisps on your car floor. You were very unreasonable. He overreacted but I would be seriously pissed off if I were him.

laudanum · 15/02/2018 21:25

Okay shoving you before means this isn't the first time, but this instance was deeply problematic all around.

You put peoples lives in danger.

If he has shoved you before it's still assault. Don't drip feed, take a deep breath and think about the other times he's done it. You say you probably deserved it - why? Did you lash out first? was he preventing another potential accident? What's the context here?

NC4Now · 15/02/2018 21:26

You seem to be minimising your role and maximising his. How can we possibly judge?

user1471553214 · 15/02/2018 21:26

I think you’re getting a hard time op. You obviously shouldn’t have tried to pick up the crisps, it was stupid and you’ve admitted that.
He should not have grabbed you so hard and for so long.
Now you’ve said he’s pushed you a couple of times, there’s obviously a tendency from him of aggression towards you and that needs addressing.

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 21:31

I just said I acted recklessly! I was being serious!

You're very defensive OP?

And yes, he has shoved me a couple of times before.

But perhaps I deserved it.

Hmmm, evokes the response that no, nobody deserves this but I suspect you already know this...