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Original poster

Did he assault me?

191 replies

JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 19:55

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/02/2018 17:00

Op, can you clarify , because you keep saying you lashed out or retaliated. Are you saying you hit him?

Offred · 16/02/2018 17:01

And when I say ‘it is about his attitude to women’ I mean that he shows definite signs of being one of the many men who still believe that as compensation for being tired and overworked they are entitled to control and abuse their female partners (and probably the DC too).

This kind of behaviour has roots stretching back to the industrial revolution and it is not so much about having an ‘anger problem’ as feeling entitled to take out anger etc on women as compensation for economic insecurity/stress re their role as a man in the world.

A woman’s role has been seen as domestic servant, family carer and pacifier of male partners is deeply rooted in the minds of some men but the pacifying is less recognised. Though it really is behind the majority of abuse men mete out to women in the modern day.

The ‘second shift’ and the burden of care is well recognised but less so the expectation that women are responsible for making men’s feelings ok and absorbing their rage and frustration.

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:07

When I say I lashed out, he had a very firm grip on my arm, I couldn't get it free. I was shaking it trying to get it loose, in every direction and at one point shoved my arm back towards him catching him in the chest.

It wasn't like he released my arm and then I punched him.

OP posts:
Offred · 16/02/2018 17:09

This situation can be entirely explained by it having happened within the context of his entitlement and control.

It is a misconception that women are passive in the face of coercive control. Women commonly fight back against attempts to restrict their autonomy.

That is essentially what you did.

Many women’s responses to single incidents can seem ridiculous and disproportionate from outside until you look at the context and understand that women are entrapped by coercively controlling men and no matter how infrequent the physical violence is there is a background feeling of fear and conflict, akin to being a prisoner of war, attached to what seem like everyday occurrences.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2018 17:13

So you didn't lash out at him in self defence or retaliate as you stated.

Why did you say you did twice?

Offred · 16/02/2018 17:13

IMO you should stop looking at this as single incidents of a shove here, jealousy there, attempts to regulate your sleeping here and grabbing your arm there. It is a continuous pattern of control IMO and it explains why you reached for the crisps and why he then grabbed your arm.

None of it was about crisps or safety while driving, it was a power struggle in the context of an abusive relationship which led to some very seriously dangerous behaviour.

Aridane · 16/02/2018 17:15

It’s very d

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:19

In the moment, it felt like it was self defence/retaliating - whatever you want to call it. I did not strike him with a free arm but yes, I guess I was fighting back in a sense?

I'm not really sure what you're getting at with your questions, so could you now elaborate please?

OP posts:
Eolian · 16/02/2018 17:21

It's not a question of 'deserving' anything. You did something stupid and reckless (which you now acknowledge). He either a) reacted in an extreme way because your recklessness panicked him or b) behaved in a physically dominant and controlling way because he has that tendency (even if he doesn't normally show it). Only you can judge which is the case.

Aridane · 16/02/2018 17:23

But on the bright side, OP didn’t kill her family in a car crash

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:25

and on the bright side, my husband didn't cause me to crash the car by behaving in an aggressive and reckless manner.

Yes I agree I need to ascertain if his reaction was justified due to sheer panic which I'm not sure I agree with. His temper very much ran away with him

OP posts:
Offred · 16/02/2018 17:29

It wasn’t his temper. It was his entitlement IMO.

Presumably he gets angry about things that are not to do with you and with people who are not you but he doesn’t shove them or bruise their arms.

He does it to you because you are a woman and his wife.

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:36

Sorry Offred, I don't mean to ignore your posts. I am reading and trying to take it in. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my marriage whilst trying to navigate other questions/comments on here

OP posts:
Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:38

To answer your question about whether he gets angry with others? I would have to say no, he doesn't. He's Mr cool/calm/collected/laid back/kind/generous.....

Friends/family think and speak highly of him

OP posts:
Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 17:39

Sorry that's not what you asked....

Yes I'm sure he does get internally frustrated by things all the time but no he doesn't take it out on others, physically or otherwise

OP posts:
BatFacedGirl · 16/02/2018 17:40

Jolly - I think you know he's abused you. Hard though it is, try not to focus on the responses telling you he was just concerned and panicked

He's shoved you before? You need to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to be modelling for your little boy

A normal response to what you did? Your husband shouting at you to pop your hand back on the wheel

The victim blaming on here is astonishing. Panic or no panic, if he left a bruise on you then he meant to hurt you

BatFacedGirl · 16/02/2018 17:41

And it's not that it's harsh on here .. it's a pack mentality unfortunately and they all pile in. The first few responses set the tone

Aridane · 16/02/2018 17:46

Though to be fair OP pretty much set the tone with her first post

sallywinter · 16/02/2018 17:48

OP took hand off the wheel to pick up crisps.
OP’s husband took hold of her arm so she could not get it back to the wheel. OP’s husband left a bruise. OP’s husband did not let go for a prolonged period of time.

He did not make anyone safer.

Bizarre that so many think it’s justified.

Offred · 16/02/2018 18:03

Jolly, that is entirely consistent with him being an abusive partner you know?

I’m not at all surprised you are confused. It is confusing.

I maintain that this whole incident, including you not really thinking about the danger of trying to pick up the crisps, needs to be framed within the context of a relationship where your life outside the house is monitored and controlled, he attempts to control your sleeping, he takes his moods out on you even though they may not be related to you, he periodically physically attacks you and whatever else you haven’t yet mentioned/recognised as attempts to control.

Offred · 16/02/2018 18:06

And you are fighting against this control, as women frequently do, but you are also internalising the idea you are a receptical for his rage and responsible for pacifying his moods in between incidents, as women are still expected to do.

I bet there are other examples of power struggles re domestic work, work outside the home, child rearing and access to leisure time too.

Rarity75 · 16/02/2018 19:48

Offred you are a wise person. Reading your posts just know has helped me make sense of some relationships in my life and shone a light on me current one. I do feel like I am fighting my ground to maintain some sort of equal order. It’s exhausting.

Op you’ve had a hard time. I’ve done the same, briefly reached around. It isn’t smart and could be dangerous. But it’s done without thought or intent of harm.

What your DH did however and the sustaining of that grip could have seriously injured you all.

Original poster
JollyAwesome · 16/02/2018 19:57

I agree. Thank you Offred and all of the others who have had a balanced view of the situation.

I've just got in from work so I need to sit down and have a talk with him. I'm not really sure how to broach this Confused

OP posts:
Offred · 16/02/2018 20:06

Thanks and Flowers to you both.

Just letting you know that you don’t need to talk today. He has bruised your arm in this most recent incident. You can take some more time to think things through and be more sure of what you want to say and how you feel.

Whatever happens this is not going to be resolved by a conversation tonight.

IMO it would be helpful to read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft, ‘Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist. How to end the drama and get on with your life’ by Margalis Fjelsted and ‘Coercive control. How men entrap women in personal life’ by Evan Stark at some point and also to have some counselling to act as a safe space to work through this stuff.

Offred · 16/02/2018 20:12

Lundy will give you a way of making sense of him, Margalis will give you tools to understand yourself, how you relate to him and how to deal with him (it is geared to narcs/borderlines but I think works for all abusive/toxic people) and Evan will give you a broad context for where all of this sits in the world and in history.

I would recommend them in that order btw.