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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did he assault me?

191 replies

JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 19:55

Regular user but NC.

Feeling very confused and upset right now. Earlier on today, my husband and I had an argument in the car on the way to a family outing.

Our 4 yr old child spilled his packet of crisps in the back (they landed all over his car seat). I was driving and said to my husband "oh quick, can you pick those up before they fall on the floor"
He snapped back "No, not right now" (he was eating a sandwich)

So clearly flustered I said ok fine I'll do it and reached my arm back to pick up the crisps (my eyes were still on the road)

At this point he grabbed my arm really hard and said "NO, do NOT fucking do that, it's dangerous". He wouldn't let go of my arm and it really hurt, I panicked and was furiously shaking my arm saying get your hands off me, what are you doing etc? He refused to let go but I managed to shake it free and then lashed out at him in self defence (at least that's how I felt).

I immediately pulled over and got out of the car and walked off for 5 mins because I was so shocked that he'd done that to me. I could feel my arm throbbing where he'd had such a tight grip on me and I contemplated just walking home at that point but decided I couldn't ruin the day out that I'd planned.

So I returned to the car and said if you ever put your hands on me like that again I'll go to the police. We had an awful day, I couldn't even bare to look at him but tried really hard to stay upbeat for the sake of our child.

I'm so shocked that he acted so aggressively towards me. The anger in his voice, the way he spoke to me, the fact that he's physically hurt me. I have a bruise on my arm!

He said he was shocked and appalled at himself. That he was so sorry and couldn't believe he'd done something like that and that it would never happen again. This is very much out of character and I'm just so hurt that he would put his hands on me like that.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go? Sorry I feel like crying, I just can't believe he did that to me, even if it sounds insignificant. His manner was just so aggressive and it came totally out of the blue.

OP posts:

WandaWitch · 15/02/2018 21:31

Hang on a minute - why is everybody having a go at the OP?

Why on earth couldn’t her husband have paused eating his sandwich for two seconds and dealt with his child so she wasn’t feeling that she had to try to drive and look after child at the same time? If he had stopped prioritising his stomach and focused on his child then the situation wouldn’t have arisen! Having put her in a ridiculous situation, he then behaved appallingly and nearly caused at accident by grabbing and holding onto her arm. I am not surprised she lashed out at him! I think a lot of people would do if they had just had a scare like that! No, ideally she wouldn’t have attempted to pick up the crisps whilst driving, by reaching backwards BUT she should NOT have had to even make that decision. If there are children in the back then the passenger is 100% responsible for dealing with their needs NOT the driver and the passenger should have prioritised them over his stomach!!

He is totally out of line for being lazy and putting you in that position and then his reaction which made it a hell of a lot worse is disgusting too!

I don’t know where you go from here. I would probably refuse to have him in the car with me now. I wouldn’t be able to trust him as a passenger ever again for one, but that doesn’t deal with the damage he has caused to your arm, I don’t know if I could forgive that.

BiologyMatters · 15/02/2018 21:33

Yes he assaulted you. Whatever you did, you didnt deserve that. If he's shoved you before he clearly has no respect for you. This is the home you're providing for your child. Do you want him to see his father being aggressive to his mother?

Maybe repost in relationships and forget this thread. Youre just going to get a million responses telling you that you deserved it. Nobody deserves that.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/02/2018 21:34

I can’t really get past the fact that you endangered everyone for crisps...

I’m not surprised your DH panicked; he then overreacted and then you did in turn. Frankly, given what was going on in the car, I’m amazed you didn’t crash.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2018 21:34

wanda what do you think would happen to the crisps in the time it took to finish a sandwich? It’s hard to pick things up from the front seat. They could have just been cleared up when the car stopped.

WandaWitch · 15/02/2018 21:34

Rather than grabbing her arm he could have said - “look, hang on, it’s ok - I’ll get them - sorry - you focus on driving” or something like that. That would have sorted out the situation.

However, I suspect from your latest post that there is a much bigger issue here.

TheAntiBoop · 15/02/2018 21:36

No one said she deserved it. But the example she has given is very much a 'you had to be there'.

If he has shown violent tendencies before and there are other issues then yes, another thread may be more useful

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2018 21:36

Rather than grabbing her arm he could have said - “look, hang on, it’s ok - I’ll get them - sorry - you focus on driving” or something like that. That would have sorted out the situation.

have you never had to react really quickly to stop something really dangerous happening?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/02/2018 21:37

Hang on, OP, you said that this is very much out of character for him initially.

Suddenly he’s shoved you in the past? Which is it? They can’t both be true

WandaWitch · 15/02/2018 21:37

Yes, they could have been cleared up when the car stopped - absolutely. However it wasn’t her job to deal with it, that’s the point! The passenger is responsible for dealing with children in the back and should have done it then she wouldn’t have been distracted and worrying about it.

teethtrauma · 15/02/2018 21:37

FFS the kid dropped crisps, not anthrax. OP overreacted and drove dangerously, seemingly just to prove a point and act like a martyr. Her husband over reacted, but I’d say more understandably so.

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 21:38

@WandaWitch

Why on earth couldn’t her husband have paused eating his sandwich for two seconds and dealt with his child so she wasn’t feeling that she had to try to drive and look after child at the same time?

She didn't try to drive, she actually was driving. She didn't need to look after her child, she had to drive. She should have prioritised.

Would the captain of a plain leave the cockpit to pick up bits of food in the gangways? No, I didn't think so

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2018 21:38

She wasn’t dealing with the child, she was dealing with the crisps.

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2018 21:39

jesus op that was very dangerous. trying toi clean up the back of the car whilst driving!

and exactly what laudanum said

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/02/2018 21:40

If the passenger is responsible for dealing with the children in the back, how do all those parents who drive their children by themselves cope?

Maybe they just leave the crisps spilt until they can stop and deal with them safely. And maybe that could have happened this time too.

WandaWitch · 15/02/2018 21:40

Grabbing, wrestling with and restraining the drivers arm is in no way going to stop the dangerous situation! That is just going to make the situation 10 times worse! Allowing the driver to focus on driving is the only acceptable response to the situation!!

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 21:40

@WandaWitch

I'm sure said sandwich wouldn't have taken eons to eat tbf. It wasn't critical.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2018 21:41

But she wasn’t focussing on driving, she was cleaning crisps up.

Grabbing the arm could easily have been an instinctive attempt to bring the op back to driving safely.

rwalker · 15/02/2018 21:41

it was probably panic I can't believe you are so irresponsible and stupid to think driving and reaching back for a few crisps is acceptable. You were not in control of the car you could of kill your dh,child and other people lost for words . Can you imagine if your child was on the pavement and a car with the driver picking up crisps mounted the pavement and killed your child . That is what could happen

abilockhart · 15/02/2018 21:42

It really sounds like the OP was doing her very best to win a Darwin Award:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darwin_Awards

Original poster

JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 21:43

He has pushed me a couple of times before, in a social setting, where he has been jealous that I've been flirting with someone else (I categorically have not) he was very drunk on both occasions and I let it go. Neither time did I lash out at him.

Today, I was wrong, I see that now. I hold my hands up to it. You're right, split crisps were not important at all. I should have left them. I felt he was being stubborn and difficult when asked to pick them up. So yes, I was being a martyr.

However I still cannot agree and I know I'm in the minority here, that his reaction was justified. He really was aggressive. Surely a "for gods sake keep your eyes on the road" would have sufficed? If he had grabbed my arm and shoved it back towards the steering wheel then fine, but he didn't. He grabbed it so hard it left a bruise and held it back so that I couldn't get it back to the steering wheel. I panicked, it took me by surprise and yes it really upset me.

I'm an idiot, I hold my hands up to that. But so is he.

OP posts:

WandaWitch · 15/02/2018 21:44

Drivers with kids on their own do cope by ignoring the mess etc and dealing with it when they can pull over. However I would be phenomenally annoyed at having to clear up mess that could have been easily avoided if my DH was sat there stuffing his face and ignoring the kids!

Why the heck didn’t he just take two seconds and do what he should have done and picked up the crisps?

Anyway, I think this is all irrelevant anyway as there seems to be more of an issue here that this specific incident.

cestlavielife · 15/02/2018 21:44

Anything like that you pull over and then deal with it.
You don't reach back. So dangerous.

If he tends to push and shove you then deal with that separately.
Don't drive with him til you have worked it out what is going on.

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 21:45

'So what caused the accident Mrs Jolly?'

Well, I was driving along and my DC dropped crisps on his seat and DH was eating a sandwich but he didn't retrieve them as quickly as I wanted him to...

Rediculous right?!

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2018 21:46

i dont know what you want her op? do you want people to tell you to leave him because he was violent? you can leave him whenever you like. you dont need permission.

you took a long time on the thread to admit you were wrong to grab the criusps so tbh im not sure you wouldnt have attempted to get the crisps if he hadnt held your arm at the time

Original poster

JollyAwesome · 15/02/2018 21:46

and when I try to admit my wrongdoings i'm told I'm being defensive?

I can't win on here!

OP posts:

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