Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

I wish the internet had existed when I embarked on my journey into settling for shitty relationships!

oh and he tried to turn it back on me by saying I was saying all this horrible stuff to him (manipulative, rude etc.) instead of actually listening to me. the conversation then became all about him and his feelings about being pulled up on his shitty behaviour.

He said the MSc comment was meant that HE wouldn't benefit by doing one and it wasn't a slight in me. Also that he calls his daughter a diva and didn't mean it as an insult. the football was him being himself around me and he forgot to open the gift and do I want to open it now. I said he can throw it in the bin for all I care!! also he said he couldn't help that he had to eat while he was at work and that he did eat some of the food but it had bones in it (which has never been an issue with him before)

I feel like shit!!!

Hoorah, Please go NC with this fuckwit now, it will hurt for a few days while
but life is too short to be pulled down constantly, on the back foot, trying to please.

Well done... it's not easy, and it's only natural to second guess yourself... however just keep reminding yourself of the reasons why it got to this... I highly recommend some ice cream and a good movie now... x

Ah so a bag full of shite excuses and justifications, just as you expected.
You are a clever, strong and capable woman, op. Look at this as a lesson learnt, we all have crappy relationships and from them we learn what we do and don't want or deserve.
Don't waste your time missing him and when he sends you some grovelling text do yourself a favour and block him.
You are waaay out of his league and have your whole life ahead of you, you will be fine

Go NC with him. He's not worth it. He showed his true colours.

He sounds like an ass. If you're having problems this early on, it'll only get worse down the line.
Walk away x

I think that you were very brave and strong going round and having that discussion. You should feel proud, even though you've got to go through a bit of upset naturally.

well done you

as we all thought he turned it back on you

only said sorry coz he realised he was losing

youre better off out of it

Ugh. Shudder. You have had a really lucky escape from this dickhead.

Please please don’t look back. Spend your energy looking for a good therapist instead and work on repairing your damaged self esteem.

He sounds like the kind of man that will shut the door go download Tinder and be on a date tomorrow with some unlucky women. You have had a lucky escape .

Op, you should be very proud of yourself! Out took me 5 years to figure my ex was sick a man, and another year and 1/2 two years to leave him!

5 months for you, if say you are very good at spotting abusers.

Well done for ending it with him!

I know it's hard right now but before you'll know it, your soulmate will come along and make you happier than you've ever been xxx

there's one thing I can't get out if my head. He said it's not fair on me to continue the relationship if he makes me unhappy. That he wants to make me happy. why would he not try and work on those things then to make me happy rather than just being defensive and not working through things?

I feel so sad this morning, I really want him to call but I've not heard a thing

Because he doesn’t want to make you happy by changing.

He wants you to be happy with the way he treats you.

But you have higher standards so he says enough to ensure you feel bad about yourself and steps away.

Please please stay strong and keep away form this idiot
Have you blocked his number?
Nothing should b this much work 4 months in and I promise it would only get worse
Onwards and upwards to a better relationship

At 6 months a relationship should still be fun and fulfilling. People are probably still showing their best side, especially if you don't see each other much. It wasn't working for you and you've done the best thing by ending it. He's right to not promise you he'll change. People can't change who they fundamentally are, and a relationship based on someone needing to change isn't worth fighting for. Carry on looking.

A relationship shouldn't be hard work. It should be two compatible people making a better life together than they would enjoy as a single person. He didn't enhance your life. The negatives outweighed the positives.

OP - He said it's not fair on me to continue the relationship if he makes me unhappy.

That puts the blame on you for being the unhappy, unreasonable one.

That he wants to make me happy. why would he not try and work on those things then to make me happy rather than just being defensive and not working through things?

He doesn't want to make you happy, he doesn't want to work things through, he expects you to be happy and accept things the way they are because he can't possibly be at fault. He is saying it's up to you to compromise not him. Basically he just wants you to put up and shut up.

If he really wanted to make things work with you he would listen and hear what you are saying and his responses would be different.

What do you want him to say that he hasn't already said?
He has accepted you are unhappy & has washed his hands of any part of working on it, not that after 3 months you should need problems solved, this shouldn't be complicated
The guy is not bothered, he took you to a hotel he uses every time... its pathetic. as in PATHOS, starting with point 9 of your OP
Do not call him, & do not respond if he calls
There is nothing to hope for, other than fast recovery.

The more I think about it, the more I realise I was a generic girlfriend to him. we regularly ate at the same restaurant he took others on dates (and we are near a big city so hardly a shortage). He had fixed ideas about taking me to certain places he'd been before. Any activity I mentioned he would immediately dismiss.

He never actually asked me what I wanted to do.

I'm still sad he hasn't called. I know he's free tonight and will probably get in touch with an old flame and take them out.

I'm stuck in alone feeling worthless right now

why would he not try and work on those things then to make me happy rather than just being defensive and not working through things?

Why would you want to be with someone who has to change in order to make you happy. You should not have to ever be on guard to work out whether someone is making you happy... It's not meant to be this difficult!

There are literally billions of men out there OP. You will find someone who just fits with you. But in order to have that happen, you can't let someone like this remain in your life... You've got to make space for the right person to walk in.

You're going to be ok x you've done the right thing. Now work on letting go of this experience and forgiving yourself and him for it.

There you go OP proof positive you were nothing special to him - he took you where he took other girlfriends, no sharing of new experiences for just the two of you, dismissing any idea you that you might like to go to different places or experience different things. It was always, always about him and his wants and needs you were just a mere 'plus one' nowhere near important enough to have your own thoughts and wishes considered.

Don't feel worthless, you've proved your worth by refusing to be seen and used as just a.n. other clone.

Have a mope and a pity party tonight and then tomorrow put it behind you and look forward to a future where a relationship does not require you to be a facsimile of something you are not.

I broke tonight and rang him (I know I'm an idiot!!!). He was SO angry. I've never heard him like that before. I was hoping he'd had time to think and was willing to talk but all I got was rage.

He said he knows I planned the whole thing yesterday as I had brought his stuff over (as in the presents I'd bought him), that how I've acted is how someone in a phoney relationship acts and that he regrets being in a relationship with me as things were better before we were exclusive. He also said how I spoke to him last night was unacceptable (I don't think I was rude but certainly didn't mince my words when I told him how I felt).

I feel shocked that I got him so wrong. it's like he's a completely different person!!!

You've had a lucky escape, OP, and he has just shown you his true colours.

I hope this strengthens your resolve to stay away from him.

There are good men out there who will respect you and treat you as you should be treated, don't settle for anything less.