Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

He sounds like a dick. You sound like you know what you need to do!

This is far too new relationship to be so much effort. And that list of good points, which are pretty nice but nothing spectacular don't outweigh the fact that he is, in fact, a dick.

To be honest, I think the fact that he puts you down, rubbishes your career and can't actually listen to concerns about your relationship are all bad signs. also, the fact that he knew you were making a special valentines dinner for him but then ate late? That says to me that he didn't give a shit what you were doing a nice thing for him. Who eats late when someone is making a special dinner for them and then turns being unable to eat it?

Just say you are hard work (which I don't think you are), does that give him the right to treat you badly because of it? To call you names? There are people out there who will be far more suited to you and treat you much better than this dick. Please don't settle.

He doesn't go down on you but expects you to go down on him? DUMP HIM RIGHT NOW

He still sounds like a prick to me.

I can imagine the receptionist mentioning it to be fair if it came up on their system he was a repeat customer. Kinda a 'oh so glad you enjoyed us enough to return!' but I'd probably have put in a suggestion box or comments email it'd be better not to say that to customers in future as what potential there is for it to go wrong! Can you imagine how awkward it'd be to hear they took their ex or even worse find out you'd been cheated on!?

Four months is not a relationship OP, I mean I can see why four amazing whirlwind months would hurt if it came to an end but the number of serious issues you've had and the fact it's not even been half a year would have me chalking this up to dating that didn't work out rather than 'a failed relationship' if that makes you feel any better.

This is exactly what the early months of dating are about. Finding out if you're compatible and who they are as a person.

I will say it seems quite high expectations to expect personalised meaningful valentines gifts so early though and an expensive item like a Fitbit is waaaaay too much for a first xmas after a few weeks! Do you tend to have form for going all in right from the start? Why is that?

Kinda sad to see so many PP cite him not going down on her as a selfish thing with no further info though. Nobody is entitled to a sex act and it's perfectly possible for a relationship to work if one person enjoys giving oral and the other doesn't! He could have perfectly understandable reasons like a past trauma or assault. If it were the other way around we wouldn't be saying she's selfish and it's a dump worthy reason alone that she won't give him oral.

I think people are reacting to the fact it seems a pattern due to his overall selfish behaviour admittedly. But somebody not enjoying one specific sex act is not so egregious they ought to be dumped for it. If the other partner can't live without it that's fine, they're incompatible sexually and can move on. But there's no foul in that.

OP are you dating my ex? He sounds just like him! Let me tell you that it won't get better. You'll feel worst and have to do more and more to get the crumbs of affection he so magnanimously rains down on you on occasion.

You'll have to obey like a dog and he'll treat you just like that.

I actually think thehotel receptionist was telling you something by saying he'd been there before. Why else would she out him in front of you?

He's telling you who he is, listen to him!

A man or woman can have any reason for not wanting to perform a sexual act. I don't judge that at all.

But I reserve the right not to date someone who won't perform my favourite sex act on me. No judgement, just me being clear on what my favourite things are, and that I don't want to go without them...

I'd dump a very nice man for not wanting to perform oral sex.

I'd dump an arsehole (who also didn't do oral) even quicker

I totally agree Grunkle. And same! It's more the way people are acting like he's a selfish person just for not giving oral. Anyone can not date anyone for any reason and incompatible sexual desires is a huge one. But I'm just seeing a double standard here, we wouldn't lay into a woman for not liking giving blow jobs and say that was dump worthy (in the 'omg that's so selfish and wrong' way not the 'anyone can dump anyone and it's fair' way) :)

What on earth has number of publications or MScs got to do about your relationship? Is he a doctor? If he is please don't stay with him for the sake of it...

I've met so many mid-late 30s guys who are doctors, barristers and other professions also constantly dating and these are the worst to strike up a real relationship with mainly because they find it so easy to get dates purely based on what they do and how attractive their jobs (ahem bank balance) are to some women (albeit a lot)

The problem is I see right through them being a medic myself and quickly weed out the arrogant ones.. yours sounds suspiciously familiar to a guy (medic) I've dated in the past before...

I agree that I shouldn't dump him because of the lack of going down. I asked him before if he doesn't like doing it and he says he does and that coupled with the lack of other foreplay makes me think it's laziness on his part rather than not liking it ( which I would be fine with)

I guess I went all out to make up for the shitty weekend we had and the gifts weren't expensive but I picked things I knew he liked. Mine just felt like generic 'woman shit'. He made a fair point that valentines is just commercial bullshit but still doesn't excuse not eating my food and the phone thing. I still don't get why he asked me what I wanted and then ignored it anyway (said he didn't have time to get into town during the week as he o my asked me on monday)

The fitbit was because he bought me an expensive set of earrings (we were at a mall and he asked me to show him what I liked in terms of jewellery). I thought it was just to show him the type of thing I liked but he bought it then and there so I felt the shitty Xmas jumper I'd bought him wasn't good enough.

My family dynamics were dysfunctional growing up and my dad was verbally abusive. My mum is the matyr and avoids conflict. I can see both aspects in myself. I don't try to be abusive but I can be hyper critical of myself and maybe project that onto partners (but try not to be too picky/critical like my mum says I am).

He hasn't text me all day which just makes me wonder why he doesn't want to 'fix' things after the shit show last night.

Where are these 'normal' men? I have never met one or attracted one myself and yes it's probably because I'm deeply damaged. I think I'm beyond counselling (tried it and didn't like it). I just look at other people and they seem to be able to maintain a relationship for more than a few months with someone who's on the while a decent person. My love life has always been a disaster but I don't want to be alone forever. I'm miserable either way it seems

Apart from the hotel you are describing my exp and I would be running for the hills now!

Game he's not a medic (works in IT) but I work in that field. I don't think he's arrogant, more damaged with low self esteem. I have dated Drs (medics and phds) before and I think he feels threatened by this.

When he said about only one publication, he did apologise and admitted it was a bad joke. He then said he has a publication (I've googled his name and nothing comes up). He's never shown it to me. Not that I'm bothered but why lie?

An example of a conversation. I'll mention something about my research and instead of responding he'll just say 'I want to get back into academia' and not acknowledge what I've said at all. I get that he might not be fascinated by my work but I at least try and show an interest in his and ask questions.

I just feel so horrible at the thought of ending it. Maybe I am co dependent. I just want to have someone in my corner rooting for me and can't seem to hold onto that. I feel very alone tonight

AGAIN-he's selfish, get rid, he's all self self self!

Nobody is entitled to a sex act but it does seem unfair that he expects it and has no issue with oral sex; he just doesn't want to do it with the OP. The relationship is completely unbalanced. If they both said "OK, no oral sex" then fair enough. But to receive and not give...

Seriously, it's not meant to be this hard so early on.

Jaffa

Re your comment:-

"My family dynamics were dysfunctional growing up and my dad was verbally abusive. My mum is the martyr and avoids conflict"

You have chosen men like your dad and you are now playing out your mother's role in avoiding conflict (so as to avoid rows). This is precisely why you have chosen poorly in relationships to date; your family of origin have taught you some very damaging lessons here that badly need unlearning. If these are not unlearnt and you do not learn how to love your own self for a change, then you will keep on picking men poorly for the rest of your life. You can turn things around even now, its not too late for you at all.

Are your parents still together btw?.

Why do you feel horrible at the thought of ending this relationship?. Is that out of some fear of being alone?. What is stopping you here?

I note you said you did not like counselling; that is probably because you never actually saw the right person for you, someone who could fit in with your approach. The first person you saw was not the right one. I would urge you to give it another try and this time use BACP (NHS counselling has long waiting lists and is limited in scope and number of sessions).

Gradually distance yourself and gently end this relationship.

Fuck that. Far too much hard work at this stage in the relationship to be worth continuing with - get rid

An example of a conversation. I'll mention something about my research and instead of responding he'll just say 'I want to get back into academia' and not acknowledge what I've said at all. I get that he might not be fascinated by my work but I at least try and show an interest in his and ask questions.

It sounds like he’s the sort of guy that can’t cope with a woman who is smarter than him or that people might think is smarter than him. He lacks confidence so he chooses to undermine yours rather than improve his.

I had a boyfriend at university (in hindsight a crappy one) who was like this. He hung on to take advantage of my support in improving his marks but then dumped me (on the day of our graduation ball) because it was abundantly obvious to everyone that I was going to do much better than him. I did.

His loss, frankly. And I was much better off without him.

You are describing my ex to a T.... in my situation, the annoyance built up to the point of resentment despite loving the good bits... the hugs, the sporadic flattery...

It came to a point when we argued and he pointed out my faults (3 btw) and wasn't happy when I gave my floor length list of pent up issues... I then realised it wasn't worth it and walked away...

I can truly say it's the best thing I did as having that sub-standard relationship was holding me back... I was lucky enough to shortly after meet the most amazing guy... with whom I have no doubts about..

Oh my god get rid of this man before you waste any more time with him. He sounds horrific. Fuck that for a bag of cheese and onion. Bin the twatty bollocks.

He's threatened by you and will harbour resentment and be horrid to you as he's projecting his insecurities. There's nicer men out there I promise

I just called him after not hearing from him all day. We weren't supposed to be seeing each other until Saturday but I've asked if we can meet tomorrow. I tried to act normal but he knew something was off and asked what was wrong.

I said we would speak tomorrow (as he has told me before that he doesn't like me to bring up "big" issues on the phone). He was pushing to get me to tell him but then I think it dawned on him it wasn't going to be a nice conversation and quickly ended the call.

I really don't want this to be it but I can't unsee what I've read tonight. My head is in such a mess ☹ What if I've got it wrong and he really doesn't mean to come across this way. How can I tell? Should I tell him about this thread? I guess in reality I want him to disprove you all but that's unlikely to happen. I could sense the defensiveness on the phone tonight already

' What if I've got it wrong and he really doesn't mean to come across this way. How can I tell? Should I tell him about this thread? I guess in reality I want him to disprove you all but that's unlikely to happen. I could sense the defensiveness on the phone tonight already'

If you had got it wrong you wouldn't even be here. Why on Earth would you tell him about this thread? So he can gather some more ammo to minimise and gaslight you? He's already conditioned you, you'd prefer to do this over the phone, but he doesn't like that so you're going to do it his way so he can again manipulate you and put you back in your place until he's got you good and conditioned.