Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

This is him on good behaviour, btw, as you are early in the relationship. It's called a cycle for a reason.

What if I've got it wrong and he really doesn't mean to come across this way.

Either way, a relationship should not provide this much angst. And certainly not at 5 months in, and only seeing each other weekly.

This is the period where he is presumably trying to show you the best version of himself. And this is it.

It’s perfectly fine to decide that you don’t want to continue seeing him.

He sounds horrendous.

His insecurities make him bitter, critical, undermining. He will always want to undermine you, he will never want to listen to you talk about your work, he will always make spiteful ‘jokes’ at your expense.

And telling you what you can and can’t say on the phone?

So add controlling to the list. He is a waste of time - stay with him by all means if you want to feel shit and have a miserable life.

Everything expat said. You are conditioned to pander to his wants and needs more than your own.

Hi @Jaffacakesaremyfave

I've been researching Narcissism recently and a few things jumped out in your post (I could be wrong so feel free to ignore! )

Him mentioning the ex might this be 'Triangulation'?

The stages of a narcissistic relationship (from memory are)

Lovebombing
Devaluation
Discard

Hey I'm no expert but might he have been OTT at the beginning (lovebombing)?

Might he now be putting you down (discard)?

If someine doesnt go down on me thats fine. If someone wont go down on me but expects me to do it of them thats a massive red flag to me of selfishness. And its just one in a long line of selfish things the ops boyfriend has done.

It really shouldnt be this hard op. This relationship is new in its time and so should be shiny and happy. If its tarnished already what do you think it would be like by the end of the year?

OMG run away. He's not that into you and is a lazy git. Imagine living with someone who never ever makes an effort for you.

You've not got him wrong, this is exactly what he's like. Have some self respect and bin him. No point waiting for a reaction, promises that he'll change because he won't, he's telling you who he is and you're unhappy about it, no point trying really!

Im sorry you're feeling this way.... please just weigh it out... would you honestly be happy enough to have a relationship like this long term? Its totally your choice (as you say it's not all bad)
For me it wasn't worth it... I thought I was being patient and I hoped for change... and nothing ever did... I'm most angry at myself for allowing it to go on so long..
💐

OP, you are definitely doing the right thing by ending it with him. And if your want to and feel stronger doing it over the phone then do, it dormy master how he would 'prefer' to hey dumped (although he thoroughly deserves to be!)

You mention that you didn't like counselling, but from how you describe yourself and your family dynamics you could find it really beneficial. If you can afford it private psychotherapy can be so helpful at working through stuff. But finding a therapist you you like and trust is important. If you look up the UKCP website, have a look at the profiles for a few in your area ( it is a little like online dating!), call a few up and see who you like. Can even have first session with a few to help decide who you want to work with.
When you have recovered from this ordeal with this dick, please consider having some therapy, a good therapist can really help.
Good luck and stay strong

You can't fix him.

It will get worse.
You will think it is your fault.
You will try harder.

But

You can't fix him
It will get worse.
It will still be your fault
You will try harder.

That is the pattern until you eventually realise that the life has been sucked out of you and the nicer and more understanding you are, the longer it will take to be free.

Don't waste years on this waste of space. Any man is not better than no man. Self respect will attract better men. Men who are not afraid of intelligent, professional women.

It doesn’t actually matter if it will get worse or not. It’s not fun right now.

you cant make someone different he is who he is

this shouldnt be happening this early in a relaitonship and everytime u see him which is only once a bloody week!

just its living with someone like that

Op don't tell him about the thread. He will have a field day with that

This is the honeymoon period, the early, easy lovey dovey stage of a relationship. If it's upsetting you now, what would it be like with a mortgage and sick kids/parents and other tough times that life throws at you? He doesn't respect you. You could do so much better.

Ps, I'm not a big valentine fan either, but on your first one together if you can't eat a meal that someone has prepared for you and be nice then you're pretty awful.

He will either go all out to impress you tomorrow or act like he wants to end it anyway. I doubt he like you calling the shots.. Just have a good think (even make some notes?) about what bothers you and what's missing. Re read your posts beforehand.

I really feel like if I could just get him to understand then we could be so good together.

If you aren't already good together, there is nothing you could get him to understand that will change that.

Abusive relationships usually creep up on you while you are slowly being taught to question your own character, disregard your own needs and feelings and accept gradually escalating abusive behaviour. All the while you are thinking "If only I could be a better person, more organised, more thoughtful, slimmer, didn't have the better job, didn't spend time with my family .... it could be so lovely."

This relationship is based on you seeing some nice bits of him and wishing it could all be like that. It won't. This is the time in a relationship when you see the best in a person. If the best you're going to get is the list that includes him mentioning you to his family it is never going to be good.

What if I've got it wrong and he really doesn't mean to come across this way. How can I tell?

He couldn't even say thank you for the gift you bought him for your first Christmas together. That wasn't unintentional. He simply didn't care about your feelings enough to thank you. You hadn't come up to scratch in the gift-buying stakes and he was letting you know. You've demonstrated to him that, not only will you accept that behaviour, you will also accept completely thoughtless gifts from him.

He was rude about the Valentine's meal you cooked, ignored you for the evening in favour of football and then invalidated your feelings about it in just about the most misogynous way possible by implying that he could sort you out by having sex with you. He showed complete disregard for your feelings throughout the evening, then made out he was doing you a favour by having sex!

If you show him this thread he will probably be nicer for a sort while. However, he won't see the need to sustain it once you're hooked back in. He will then use it against you, probably by ridiculing you for being controlled and manipulated by some nasty bunch of man-haters.

You deserve someone who will treat you as kindly and respectfully as you will treat them.

Being insecure and wanting to avoid conflict doesn't make you hard work but it does make you vulnerable. Stop blaming yourself for his appalling behaviour towards you. You deserve a lot better.

You need to walk away from what is really happening in this relationship before it escalates and stop telling yourself that you deserve the crap he dishes out and, if you could do things better, he will be nicer to you. You don't and he won't.

Please come back on here before Monday to tell.us you have dumped him.

You deserve better.

Second pancakeflipper let us know how it goes!
And it's not about how he means to come across it's about how he treats you (badly) and whether you like him (you don't).
He will probably try to turn this around on you but he strong you are better than this relationship.

He really does sound a bit of a pain all round. Can't see that he does have any good points. Let him be somebody else's problem. Because a problem he will be.

He sounds totally rubbish. Trust your feelings and intuition they are totally correct. People probably called you a difficult person in the past because you ARE correct in your judgements and know your boundaries and people find it hard to control children who have good boundaries. Call them 'stubborn' 'difficult' etc and that can then lead to anxiety as an adult

Vile man, get rid.

Sack him off. He’s a douche.

Here's the thing ..I too am difficult...in the past while dating, several men have uttered the words 'bloody hell you're hard work' and they bailed. I'm glad they did, saved me a job. Iv been told I'm stubborn, too proud, moody, never satisfied ...but it's always people who try to over step my boundaries who claim these things. Even if I am all these things I still deserve to be treated with respect and so do you! Start recognising that, I sincerely hope you do end things with this person. He will slowly erode your self worth until you barely recognise yourself.

Ah Goldmandra why didn't I read your message 10 years ago? All the pain I would have saved myself