Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

Thanks everyone. I keep re-reading your posts to stay strong. I'll let you know how tonight goes. I'm still hoping he'll be able to justify all of this and that I've got it wrong. I know I'm just kidding myself though ☹

What justification could there possibly be for the awful way he treats you? What justification are you willing to accept?

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

This is his 'justification'.

So you are willing to be talked round and for him to justify treating you like this? Want better for yourself, op.

In answer to your op: he is.

You're not suited. You want more, he wants less. It's ok to call it a day now you realise this. You can't change him to suit you and he likewise can't change you.

If you are expecting him to justify and argue the toss just end it by text, job done. Seeing him face to face is what HE wants cos he knows he can come up with some bullshit and you will swallow it. Totally unecessary waste of your time. Text and block.

He is an arrogant man with a disgusting attitude.
You call his attitude "irritating" I think most of us would say they are the mark of an ignorant, controlling, disrespectful personality which will worryingly will get worse ,and in that itself lies a whole new conversation.
Get rid of him now, before it gets any worse for you.

My ExDH was very insecure and used to belittle me all the time to make himself feel bigger. I wasted 27 years of my life on him. The only good things to come out of the marriage were my DDs.

After my divorce there were two moments of clarity.

First was when our eldest DD got her A level grades and so gained her place at first choice uni. In the car while we waited for her, his comments about her success were appallingly bitter and self-absorbed and I realised he was jealous of his own child.

The second was after a few rubbish post divorce dating experiences it dawned on me that it would be more awful to be with the wrong person than to be alone. This (simple) revelation shifted my mindset about myself and my life and I can honestly say it made such a difference to me.

Mind you I had to learn to ignore the comments from various relatives about how I’d become difficult, too picky, full of myself ... the list went on (sound familiar?). I realised these negative comments said far more about them than me.

I have met and married a wonderful man who loves me for who I am. Yes he puts up with my nonsense, as I do from him. But his face still lights up when he sees me, we have loads more fun together than cross moments, he’s there for me and my DDs and we both know we bring lots of positives into each other’s lives.

You too can have someone wonderful, but you do need to value yourself and this is hard if you’ve never been valued as a child. There is something that shows in our manner if we feel we are worthless or desperate for someone to love. This attracts the wrong sorts. If you really have confidence in yourself, believe you have a right to be with someone who respects and truly loves you, then the dicks won’t be interested and you’ll meet nicer guys. Not all will be right for you, but you will be able to see things more clearly and stop wasting all this precious time and energy on men who don’t deserve you.

He's a pathetic little man. He's as arrogant as he's insecure. He is completely disrespectful. Everything he does and says to you shows you how insignificant you are to him, yet you're miles more accomplished than he is (and he knows it).

Don't bother seeing him. It's only been a few months. The man can't be bothered looking up from his phone when you're talking to him or eat a valentine's dinner so therefore you don't owe him anything. Block him.

hes a selfish, self-absorbed dickhead. get rid. you deserve better than someone like this.

It’s not working for you. Period.

You mention about you having always been labelled as ‘difficult’ by family - don’t let that shitty programming allow you to waste away your adult life on people who make you feel unomfortable/sad. It is ok to say ‘this isn’t for me, thanks but no thanks’ hard as it may be.

You sound like a reasonable person who has been led to believe that your wants/needs/opinions are ‘wrong’. I know what it’s like to have that whole second-guessing/anxious/afraid to tip the apple cart - do your best to get rid of that crappy inner critical scripttgat belings yo someone else. A counsellor can help you with that.

You deserve so much better. Spend some time finding happiness and peace on your own before launching into another relationship.

@lovetheway

justify what

oh i call your profession crap coz its funny-not its not

i ignore you coz your too much-fuck off then

theres no justification for being a dick except to blame you

This guy just sees women in one generic lump and you are ‘current girlfriend’ I think he is too into himself to be capable of a proper relationship at the moment. You are not a dick!!! But he definitely is

Op, about the comment you made at 19.26 yesterday. Your family sounds very like mine. Read my earlier post about having good relationships after coming of a shit family dynamic. It is possible.
I know it sounds like a mountain to climb, but it's not. I was fed up with suffering, so I did lots of work on myself.
Pm me of my previous post doesn't make sense

Thanks Ohyes and I'm sorry your family has also been shit.

It all feels so overwhelming, I don't even know where to start with myself. I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. My exh made sure of that!!!

I'm so angry that I still can't seem to spot abuse early enough. it took 190+ comments to get me there and I'm still waivering about tonight. it has to be face to face as I have some stiff I want to collect from his house and give his key back (and the valentines presents he left at Mine, one still unopened so he doesn't even know what it is) ☹

"it has to be face to face as I have some stiff I want to collect from his house and give his key back"

Is the stuff really needed, can you live without those things?. Stuff after all can be replaced.

I would consider getting a friend to go with you to collect these items and giving his key back if you really do need to go there. Do not go there on your own.

You are not damaged beyond repair either so do not do your own self down further by thinking such nonsense.

Take a friend with you to wait in the car and stop you getting drawn into a long tedious discussion with him. Personally I wouldnt even bother giving his presents to him, he can't even be arsed to open them! Ungrateful useless fecker!!!

Ruddy makes some excellent points. Hold your nerve and look forward to being in charge of your own life from here on in.

Also I remember that talk means very little. Don’t listen to talk.

Look at his actions. His actions over the last few month have told you everything you need to know about how he will treat you and women.

So when he talks at you about how he will change, remember he has said similar before, but his actions didn’t change.

You are ashamed you didn’t pick this up before- well you questioned it enough, after 4-5 months, to ask advice from a source that you trusted to be straight with you.

Many women would not have even thought to ask or to question. Be proud of that and yourself that it only took 4-5 months and not a marriage with children

His answer to your dissatisfaction was 'you need to get laid'. So he thinks 'giving' you sex is the answer to everything. You're a bit moody? That's fine, he'll have sex with you, that will shut you up... He's a complete douche? Oh, he'll have sex with you. and you'll forget all about it...

For that, alone, bin him. He's not just a dick, he's a floppy one.

It doesn't matter whether he 'means to come across like that'. That just means he's inept at hiding his real attitudes rather than being open about them. Either way, his attitudes are unacceptable. His "Women love all that" remark would be enough for me to bin him.

He sounds like a complete cock. Your family probably call you difficult when you stand up for yourself. You sound like me and many others, never been able to have your own voice growing up and now don’t trust your instincts.
Here your instincts are right but you’re asking everyone else for their insights because you’ve been labelled as crazy or difficult when you’ve tried to make things more comfortable for yourself.
You owe yourself more than this lazy loser. October is no time at all. You’ve taken time to get to know him, now you know he’s no good for you.

I just got home from his house. I told him how he had made me feel and he denied it entirely (just like you all said he would). He said he'd never been called manipulative before and gave a really defensive 'sorry', there was always a 'but.....' after any apology.

He said he'd already apologised for the things I'd raised and that he doesn't like this 'drama'.

He then cut the conversation so I just got up and left (and then had to run back in because I forgot my bag of stuff). He came over at that point and just said sorry and hugged me.

i didnt say tje words thats its over but told him his key was on the side so it was obvious what i meant by that. He didn't seem that bothered and I doubt he'll try to contact me.

I'm too tired and dazed to feel upset yet. I don't think it will hit me until a few days time when I realise it's really over. I miss him already though (or who I thought he was ☹)