Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

I would ditch him just for point 8

He's not a different person, he's shown you who he is.

If you really struggle to recognise the good from the bad, find yourself a good counsellor who can help you with that.

Well done jaffacakes. Came on to check how you got on!

He's a dick and showing it you are strong and better off without him.

Oh god. So many of these traits sound familiar. Honestly you are worth so much more than this.

I still see an ex who was so similar to yours. He is just as miserable and belittling to his current wife. I pity their children.

Everything was about image and perception. It still is. They live in an awkward area with a great postcode, but nowhere near kids schools etc. Drive horrifically expensive cars to impress the neighbours. It's all smoke and mirrors. Honestly he's clearly still repeating the cycle and his poor wife just puts up with it. Not a happy marriage for sure.

He is a dick!!!!!
A few months into a relationship should be all happy and exciting. Your initial post made him sound like a complete dick and now he’s revealed he wasn’t even pretending not to be a dick.

You are not a difficult person, you just were unlucky and probably screwed up because of family. I think you are amazing in being able to write this all down, take on the unanimous comments and stand up for yourself!! And that’s not including the fact you can cook, buy thoughtful gifts, have a successful career and won’t put up with rudeness. Don’t sell yourself short

Homehand you have just described him to a T!!! The postcode, the cars. Scary!!!!

Thank you Altiara I'm so glad I posted as it would have taken me months to work this out on my own. I am worth more than this and I realise now I've just saved myself months of being miserable.

I woke up to a horrible text from him that just exposes him for the manipulative arse he is

"I heard you out I explained and apologised to you. The ‘talking’ ends when I work out you had all my shit in your car and you’re not about to make me believe I didn’t respect or value you during our time together. So now I’m trying to get into a trusting relationship with you and you go and pull something like that and I’m supposed to ‘back down’ and not be angry? Then we do it all again by mid-week? That’s the definition of dysfunction. I’m gonna nod off soon, I don’t think texting is great for things like this maybe sometime we can actually talk things over without the needless name calling"

By name calling I think he means when I said he's a mysogonist 😒 I've blocked him!!

I was hoping he'd had time to think and was willing to talk but all I got was rage.

Narcissistic Rage?

Sorry, has anyone broached this yet?

This makes a lot of sense Bibbi. I've just googled it and this really hit home

"The next time the narcissist is hurting your feelings or making you feel low, let your feelings show and tell him or her how they are making you feel asking them to stop it.

Be prepared for a shock. Any normal human being would soften and let up, but a narcissist will do exactly the opposite."

Well done for ending it. This is him in all his glory. Now block, invest some time in yourself and focus on moving forward. Good things will follow.

I feel shocked that I got him so wrong. it's like he's a completely different person!!!

That completely different person is the real him. It's the person he was beginning to show you and training you to accept. As the relationship matured, you would have seen more and more of the unpleasant him and less and less of him pretending to be nice.

Well done for recognising what was happening and walking away.

By talking things over, he means one last chance for him to persuade you that you are responsible for his behaviour, deserve no better and will never find anyone as good as him.

His next tack may be to declare that he can't live without you and will either harm you or take his own life if you don't go back. Do not answer any calls from him. If he sends any messages like these, pass them straight to the police and do not respond in any other way.

I'm really pleased you have ended the relationship.

Well done OP. You have done what so many women can't bring themselves to do. Please find someone who makes you happy x

I haven't rtft but one thing stuck out to me in your OP- the dinner you cooked and he refused - KNOWING that your abusive Ex had created issues around food. He either a) did that deliberately to mess with your head or b) is an extremely thoughtless insensitive prick
Either reason should be enough to say goodbye

@expatmatt78

I thought exactly the same when I read that too!

Don't worry, I blocked him (and then he blocked me on whatsapp ).

I now realise what an absolute petulant, immature, boring, insecure, controlling, selfish narcissistic twat he was.

Him getting angry on the phone killed any feelings I had for him right then and there.

I don't even miss the relationship and feel really free. I watched a documentary on Gloria Allred last night and I realised he would have sat there sighing if we'd watched it together or I wouldn't have even put it on. He was slowly chipping away at me and I couldn't even see it.

WTF was I thinking!!!!

Thank you again everyone who postex for helping me see the light, you're all amazing!!!

Oh and when my dad found out I'd broken up with him, he told me I need to stop being so picky and more tolerant. I stood up to him and told him to stop calling me difficult, picky etc. I now realise how damaging that is, I feel like my own family has been gaslighting me!!! If I'm not happy in a relationship then I have the right to walk away and they should support me in that decision no matter what.

I now realise I have to trust my own instincts which were screaming at me throughout this whole relationship but I chose to ignore and justify it to myself.

You're so strong and I'm glad you can see that now

id dump someone for not going down, even without all the other awful stuff. Im sorry hes hurt you, but better to get out now. From what youve said though, I dont think he actually believes you

No, it shouldn't be that hard!! Just let him go! He doesn't appreciate you!!

He probably doesn't know what 'misogyny' is, and thought you were swearing at him.

So impressed with how strong you are and how much you have learnt from this!! There is no such thing as too picky when it comes to men, being single is much better than wasting time with a wrong 'un.

If you were my daughter I'd be so proud that you stood up to them both - if that's how your dad reacts to news like this then no wonder you fell into such a relationship in the first place. They can all fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Well done and keep thinking about how good this all felt because there will be some bad days but in the meantime go Jaffa!!

I only just seen this post my initial thought was dump him block him and move on.... reading through looks like you came to your senses one day you will meet Prince Charming until then your going to have to kiss some slimey frogs

I have only read your original post and none of the responses/ follow up but he sounds like a total dick. Someone being that rude and inconsiderate so early in a relationship would be a massive red flag for me. Better off on your own than putting up with someone like this.

Hats off to you @Jaffacakesaremyfave 😊👍

“I now realise what an absolute petulant, immature, boring, insecure, controlling, selfish narcissistic twat he was”

Best sentence I think I have ever read. You are completely awesome.