Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

My older sister frequentely dumped boyfriends and I'm sad to say we all thought she was "picky".As an adult now I cringe and realise how significant that was.She is very intuitive and was working on gut instinct so could never really give hard reasons.We just didn't get it..I do now.

I feel society is still mostly unaware of abusive people and think only of physical abuse.
Good for you for standing up to your dad.It is hopefully his naivety at play not anything sinister.

Also OP for reference pls read the other thread (can't link) about getting out of a controlling relationship
You're 4 months in but that could give some insight about how it looks a year or so down the line

Why are you with this pillock, he is using you. Free yourself.

Sugar if you read the OP's updates, she's already done just that!

My appologies, thank you @hellsbellsmelons.
Well done OP, I have a close relative who is a narc, unfortunately we have to live with it, it can be extremely difficult and upsetting, listening to him drone on and on ..... 🤐

Thank you for all the positivity!!!

I've been looking into this a lot (so I don't make the same mistakes again) and want to share what I've learned incase anyone in my position stumbles across this thread.

I think my ex is a low level narcissist and so completely unaware that he is one. He reacts from instinct rather than cunning. It was difficult to work out what he was doing to me as I was only just coming out of the love bombing stage when he let his true self be revealed and some of what he did was quite subtle at the time. These are the warning signs I've identified:

1. Fast forwarding- he asked me to move in with him very quickly (I said no) and he didn't like it when I listed why this would be impractical (he criticised me for being practical)

1. Crappy gift giving is apparently a common theme for narcs because they can't understand you or empathise. This is why I got generic presents that were often unwrapped. Once he bought me a handbag online (random love bombing gift) along with clothes he had bought for himself and almost threw it at me when he opened the package and proceeded to try his clothes on. Also gave me an unwrapped perfume for Xmas and said I could have it as had bought it for someone else but changed his mind.

1. Not appreciating gifts/cooking. He could say Thank you sometimes but it was disingenuous and he often told me why he didn't need that particular item and gave it back/got rid of it.

1. The insecurity about his career and that everyone else was an idiot and he was amazing! He had hardly any friends and had no outside interests. He disguised put downs about me as 'jokes' and would apologise if I pulled him up on it but then continued to make other bad jokes a few weeks later.

1. The false, flashy superficial nature. only wore designer clothes, drove a fancy car, lived in an expensive area even though it was nowhere near work/family/friends etc. His compliments to me were usually about my appearance. I never felt like he knew me as a person or valued anything else about me. He talked about us having a lot in common and I was his soul mate whereas I never felt like this about him, we disagreed on a lot of things.

1. Turned conversations back around to himself and talked over me. Our conversations lacked any real depth or intimacy. I knew something was missing and he wasn't a source of comfort to me, I wouldn't ring him if I was upset about something. This was definitely my intuition telling me to not let him in fully or become dependent on him emotionally.

1. Often talked about past sexual experiences and went into lots of unnecessary detail (e.g. once we were in the kitchen and I asked suggestively if had ever done it in here his reply was "Yeah, over there" and pointed) I on the other hand couldn't even mention an exes name without him squirming or getting angry. Often accused me of still being in love with exes despite me giving absolutely no reason for him to think that.

1. Jealous of my relationship with other men. made very subtle remarks about male friends and joking that they fancied me to get a reaction.

1. Used things I'd told him in confidence against me. I told him about the horrendous abuse my exH put me through (physical and emotional) and in our last argument he said 'just because your ex was slightly abusive doesn't mean I am'. I now know narcs will obtain information about you to throw back at you later. there are other examples but too personal to share but he almost mocked me for some of the bad things that have happened in my past.

10. The biggest one for me was the anger when he realised I'd finally figured him out. Labelling me talking about his behaviour as "drama" was designed to shut me down and question myself.

There are loads more subtle examples but it's so hard to read the signs when you are in the middle of it all and are an empath like me. I naturally blame myself for other people's reactions and I now know that this is the perfect victim for a narc.

Can anyone else add to this list?

It's good to do reasearch and ensure you avoid these types in the future.
It's the lack of sympathy and empathy with narcs that was weird for me.
My ExP wasn't a massive narc. Just had the odd trait that I should spotted far sooner.

I forgot to block him on Snapchat and just got this message.

'You might wanna block me on here as well? I’m not sure. Crazy innit, We had something amazing and somehow managed to fuck it up in double quick time. It’s real sad but I gotta say, I enjoyed our time together. I miss you just being real with you. Hope it all works out, wish you all the best you’re better than you think. Btw, I’m really not this evil despicable human being you make out - not sure if you believe any of that stuff you say. And if you do, you’re probably right to run as far away from me as possible lol. But i really am one of the good guys and it’s a shame it wasn’t to be for us. I’m not angry at you by the way, it’s just what it is. I just wish the best for you and your family. If you ever wanna talk, cool. If you wanna block, block away xx'

should I tell him he's a narcissist?

How about 'thanks for the reminder, will do' then block. He wants a good response, dont give him one. Or just block and ignore.

Nah, just block him!! Seriously. Still excelling at being a dick isn't he

I really want to tell him what a dick he is and that I've figured him out!!!

Even his 'makeup' message is pathetic. No apology for shouting at me and saying 'I'm better than I think' Whatever that is supposed to mean 😒

If someone ever tells me they are a 'nice guy' again I'm running for the hills!!!

His message is basically mocking you for having standards, just like your dad did. As tempting as it is to reply you know it will just escalate into an arguement so don't waste your time. If you have to reply I would do what Pilates said, that is pretty damned good

Ignore him. Any reaction feeds him. Turn it around - what is the most frustrating thing ever? To be ignored. He wants a similar message back from you. Or if you are angry/bitter back he can dismiss you.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
There's nothing anyone can do with that.

I'd have walked months ago.

He sounds like a selfish, insecure prick.

I blocked him on snapchat and now he's blocked me on whatsapp again. I think that's supposed to hurt me

Don't tell him he's a narcissist, he won't believe you!

Ignore & move on.