Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

Seriously that list of good points isn't a list of good points. It's the absolute bare minimum of decent human behaviour. And they don't even equal or cancel out his bad points.

Look. You haven't been in a relationship all that long really and you feel like this already. Ffs read the signs. Pick up your scraps of self esteem and leave. There are plenty of decent men out there. You only get one life.

Sometimes when I read such a long list of justifiable complaints I really can't believe that anyone would go out with someone like that.

His redeeming features aren't redeeming! He's mentioned you to his family? Big deal! He makes you breakfast? He makes it for himself at the same time, doesn't he?

He is really awful, OP. Keep that list as a reminder of what a twat he is and dump him. Honestly, you won't even miss him. Once a week and even then he's a complete knob? Get rid.

What Attila said, with bells on.

Ps you say your last relationship was abuse. This is clouding your view of what is normal and your bar for decent behaviour has been set very low.
May I recommend the freedom programme?

I can accept that he's a dick but I can't see him as abusive. I think he's just insecure as I am in the same field as two of his siblings (who have PhDs) and I can tell he feels inferior despite earning significantly more than me.

Yes also said he thinks I'm better looking than him and thinks he's fat. I guess those are his issues though and I shouldn't have to be belittled (disguised as jokes).

I'm so confused as I really care about him ☹

There is nothing special about those 'good' traits, they are just basic and a bare minimum to expect.

You are in a very new relationship where, generally, people show the very best of themselves and yet your DP is doing the very least he can do to seem good whilst equally showing you what crap he expects you to put up with. Believe me the longer this goes on the more crap you will be expected to put up with and the good traits will be a distant memory.

It doesn't matter that he's not outrightly abusive.
You think he's a dick. So why are you staying with a dick?!

I've done the freedom programme online and while I can clearly see my ex in it, I can't see his behaviours as abusive. I really feel like if I could just get him to understand then we could be so good together. I also can't let go of the fact that I am hard work. I'm insecure and tend to shut down in conflict. I'm sure he has a list about me that's twice as long

I stand by what I said in that he’s a selfish dick but

“Bloody hell the refusing oral sex when wanting it is enough for me to say jog on! He sounds selfish and very contrary”

I can’t agree with as if a woman posted saying she was dumped for refusing to give a blow job, would anyone say she deserved it? I hope not.

Oh my gosh! He shouldn't be doing those things and making you feel that way. He seems like an absolute pleb and man child!!! He needs to get some respect for you or I would say leave him. You deserve so much better than that x

You are allowed to leave him just because it’s not working for you.

He doesn’t need an official diagnosis of abusive.

Your family don’t sound very nice BTW. Have you ever had any counselling where you could talk about them? I’d recommend it - it helped me a lot.

You think he is insecure and inferior, the only way for him to feel superior is to belittle you and place the blame on you for all the shortcomings in your relationship.

You can't fix him, make him understand, or feel better without destroying your already fragile self esteem. Don't do it.

Bloody hell, if you've done the Freedom programme and you still feel like this I can only suggest you have counselling - not for this non-relationship but for yourself.

I am sure all abusive men have lists of things wrong with their wives and partners, that's one of the ways they are abusive! Men like that always like to see themselves as the REAL victim.

Jaffacakes,

re your comment:-

"I can accept that he's a dick but I can't see him as abusive. I think he's just insecure as I am in the same field as two of his siblings (who have PhDs) and I can tell he feels inferior despite earning significantly more than me".

That is a problem in its own right because he does not seem happy or pleased that you are in the same field as his siblings. His insecurity is not your problem nor issue to own for him. He is responsible for his own choices and actions here, not you.

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

If you accept he is a dick then why are you with him at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship, what needs of yours are being met here?. Are you really confusing love here with codependency?.

You cannot ever make someone understand if they are not treating you properly; they do not want to know.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up exactly?. What sort of an example did your own family show you?. I bet your family told you that you were "hard work" (you were likely not) and he has probably said the same. I would also think your family taught you to shut down in conflict as well.

Re the Freedom Programme, you really do need to do this in person rather than merely online.

' I really feel like if I could just get him to understand then we could be so good together. I also can't let go of the fact that I am hard work. I'm insecure and tend to shut down in conflict. I'm sure he has a list about me that's twice as long'

It's not your job to get him to understand. You are not good together, because he negs you, disrespects you, drains your confidence, belittles you. Who cares what his list is? Do you treat him the way he treats you? Why do you feel it's acceptable to be treated the way he treats you? Is it because your family and ex gave you the idea you are 'hard work'? It's worrying that you cannot see how toxic this relationship is. That you think this is love. That you jump to his defence when you ask the question, 'Is he a dick?' and people say, 'Yes, he is,' and you counter back with a list, 'No, he's not! I'm hard work! He puts up with me!'

Op, you say you have never been in a good relationship.
In my experience that means that you need to heal from the bad ones. Which means learning trust, and compromise. Learning to stick up for yourself, to give, to communicate.
The only way I learned any of these was by letting my feelings be my guide. If it felt wrong, then it has to go. This way I started really trusting myself. I re-educated myself about all the stuff that you would learn naturally if you had healthy relationships modeled to you.
So for a while I was SO boundaried, I took zero shit from anyone. I was mostly calm and measured about it, so I didn't put too many backs up, but I did walk away from a lot of people when things didn't feel right.
Once I really trusted myself to only pick people and situations that I could thrive in, I stated attracting really good people and relationships.

Trust your gut instinct OP, he's made you feel bad enough to post on here, so end it.
I was in an abusive relationship a few years back, then I met someone at the gym I go to, he was gorgeous, but had some of the traits your "dp" has, I used to feel anxious and sad after I'd been around him, although there was no apparant abuse.
He used to make derogatory comments and say it was "banter", and would talk about his ex in a way that made me feel like I wasn't as good as her.
I ended it pretty fast, I'd rather be single than with an abusive cunt

I completely agree with RedDogsBeg

You can't fix him, make him understand, or feel better without destroying your already fragile self esteem. Don't do it.

OP please don't sacrifice yourself for any man.

I think you are massively underplaying this.

He is a narcissist. He is abusive. He, like other people, have seen your vulnerable spot and are exploiting it. You sound like an open book with low thresholds.

The worst of it is you have no idea.

Ditch him, now. Ditch those around you who are negative too. Believe in your own standards, and live true to you. You know you are compromised, deep down.

His behaviour will get worse, guaranteed..because it's not up to you to fix anyone's insecurities or inferiority complex.

Don't look at what he SAYS "willing to work on it" (after 5 months you shouldn't HAVE to work at it) Look at what he does ... and ask yourself if you would behave this way if you cared about someone ? No, then why does he? This is not accidental. This is designed to show you where you belong - what you are worth....

Dump him. Hes a grade A shit.

...so you'll stay with him if he's dickish?

You'll only leave if he actively abuses you?

Come on op. Is that how little you think of yourself?

after 5 months you shouldn't HAVE to work at it

Absolutely. If you’re having to ‘work at it’ at this point, just imagine how hard it would be in the future.

When you say you want to make him understand what you actually want is for him to be a normal human being. He’s not and he won’t change. Dump.

It doesn't matter about his good points (like another poster said), he's got too many bad points, one of them on it's own would be it for me! He's a selfish arse.