Is he being a dick or am I?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I've been with my DP since October so still relatively new relationship. Recently he has been doing/saying things that have really upset me and I don't know whether it's because the initial thrill of a new relationship has worn off or whether he's just a dick and I've only just realised.

It could also be me that's being too harsh and having expectations that are too high as I've never been in a 'good' relationship so my perspective might be skewed.

A few examples are:

1. He calls me a 'diva' all the time, I just think I have strong boundaries.

1. Last weekend for Valentine's he took me to a hotel where the check in lady at the desk announced loudly that he's been before and it turns out he took a FWB there last year. I've never been taken away before and so wanted it to be special but it was so unoriginal to take me there and then comment how much nicer his room was last time (4 poster bed etc). He's also mentioned that he thought about buying flowers and sending them to my work as 'women love all that'. It just makes me feel like he thinks he has this generic formula that works on all women and that I'm not special to him.

1. I spent hours last night cooking a meal for Valentine's (which he knew about) and then said he wasn't hungry when he arrived as he had a late lunch (the ingredients were hard to source as it was a special dish). He showed up with generic flowers and chocolates from the coop on his way over despite him asking me what I wanted and me telling him. I gave him thoughtful, personal gifts. He proceeded to watch football as soon as he arrived at my house last night on his phone and ignore me (we only see each other once a week). This put me in a bad mood and he said I 'need to get laid' 😡

1. He talks about his ex but gets upset if I do the same.

1. Has a chip on his shoulder about my career and says stuff like .MSc's are pointless (I have one, he doesnt) and that I 'only have one publication' (he has none).

1. Says he wants me to talk about things with him before they become issues but if I do try and talk he says 'oh here we go'

1. I bought him a fitbit for Xmas and he didn't say thank you, just said he didn't need one and I could have it.

1. Won't talk to me about his intermittent ED, won't go down on me even though he likes me doing it to him.

1. Constantly plays on his phone so I have conversations with the back of his head while he grunts a response. He's awful on the phone and it's awkward talking to him so I rarely call. He doesn't text much either.

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship. I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety which makes it difficult to know whether I'm being a dick or whether we are just not compatible. He obviously does have good points and breaking up would upset me but more because I don't want another failed relationship. I was really hoping this one was going somewhere.

I feel like he has had enough of me too and is just biding his time until someone better comes along.

It shouldn't be this hard so early on right?:

He's a dick. 100% sure. I'm a rubbish judge - but even I can see that he is.

His personality is utter shite. He's boring, dismissive and childish and he doesn't go down on you. He's irritating the hell out of me and I've never even met him. Don't waste any more time flattering his ego or putting up with his nonsense. He's a complete dick.

Have you told him about your anxiety? He's just taking advantage of this if you have. I'm sure he knows he is treating you like shit but probably likes the feeling of power. Dick!

He puts you down.

Is jealous of you.

Is rude.

You are incompatible in bed.

Get rid 100%

All sounds fucking delightful OP

I want our time together to be special but it just ends up with me feeling let down
And this is all you need to focus on.
Blimey, you only see him once a week and you feel let down!
Get out get out get out.
Dump then block, ignore, delete!

A couple of things I think you may be being a little whingy to complain about afterall I doubt you thought you were dating a virgin but on the whole it sounds like a bad match for you and hard work! So overall I think I’d whinge too.

you see him once a week is a big red flag to me, are you sure there isnt anyone else....you only text while hes 'working away' ....another red flag, get rid, hes using you !

Bloody hell the refusing oral sex when wanting it is enough for me to say jog on! He sounds selfish and very contrary. Do you often find yourself thrown for a loop or walking on eggshells?

These are just a few examples of things that are irritating me but I'm not sure if it's enough to end the relationship.

Out of all the things you've posted, this concerns me the most.

Everyone talking about red flags is right. Every point you've made is a reason to end this relationship. He is eroding your self esteem and teaching you to tolerate abusive behaviour.

Not only do you need to walk away but you need to change how you think about relationships. You don't need a good enough reason to leave a relationship - if it isn't enhancing your life in a very big way, you should walk away - you need a lot of very good reasons to stay in one.

Stop thinking it's worth taking the crap to get the good bits. The good bits, if they are even still happening, are pretend. The things you've described are the reality of your relationship and it will only get worse as the relationship gets deeper.

Walk away and find someone you deserve - someone who will treat you with the kindness, consideration, love and respect you will offer them.

This man will not make you happy but he may grind you down to the point where you don't feel able to leave. Please don't give him that opportunity.

for you

He doesn't value, respect or think you are an equal.

He demeans you, is not interested in what you have to say (preferring his phone).

Expects you to listen to him talk about his ex because he is telling you to either be more or less like her. Doesn't want to hear about any of your exes as he can't bear to be compared to them.

Tells you he wants to talk about your relationship and any issues but he immediately closes it down because he adamantly doesn't want to talk about it or risk you levelling any criticism at him.

Are those enough red flags for you, OP?

There is no point in pursuing this relationship, he is a dick with no redeeming features and you are best off without him.

He says he loves me and that he wants a relationship and is willing to work on things

This is what he says. Never mind that. Pay attention to what he actually does about it, which is nothing.

He's picked up on your belief that you expect too much, though - hence his 'Sorry I couldn't meet your expectations' which was perfectly judged to make you think 'Oh God, it's me, I'm being too demanding again'. Don't be sucked in. End it.

@StaplesCorner !!

OP, I think, having been told so often that you are difficult, you're trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by assuming you really are difficult/a diva.

Let me put your mind at ease. Even if you were a difficult diva there is still no excuse to treat you so poorly.

This is poor treatment by anyone's standards. Diva or not. Standing up for yourself isn't being difficult. I think the PP who listed all the red flags were bang on. If you were the world's worst person, you still wouldn't need to put up with that in a partner.

It sounds like you can't let yourself be right or trust your own instincts. So here you go:

You have my permission to look at him and see a giant useless floppy dick. You have my permission to think "I deserve better". You have my permission to do something about it.

It doesn't matter whether he has a thousand good points. Those standalone bad points are enough to realise, and not have to ask, whether you deserve better.

Jaffacakes

This from your initial post is also why you have chosen relationships poorly; its your family of origin who gave you poor boundaries and crap lessons on relationships that remain with you to this day.

"I have been labelled by my family as 'difficult' all of my life and have anxiety"

This bloke you are with now is simply another version of your family of origin and I would think it is they who have been difficult and not you. Its of no surprise really that you've never been in a good relationship because your family of origin also taught you damaging lessons. You probably have no idea of what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like and what you are in now certainly is not it either.

Please dump this person you have shackled yourself to by text and enrol yourself on the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid. Re your family of origin I would distance yourself from them and learn to love your own self for a change. Counselling could be helpful to you here re this too.

Bin him he's a dick!

he sounds like a massive cunt.

He's a dick. Get rid.

Only you can answer your own question. Do it by asking yourself this.
Go 3 years ahead. He is still acting/saying/doing these things several times a week. Now go forward 5+ years,add a house,a few kids, feet definitely under the table, still saying the same stuff but now its even more ingrained into his thoughts. Is life still great for you ?

Actions speak louder than words and his actions are showing you that he is a massive twat.

Bin him off. It will only get worse. Don't waste anymore time on such a knob.

Ugh, it makes me drained and pissed off just reading about the way he treats you.
He won't get any better, if he's like this four months in, what will he be like a year, two years, ten years on. You can do a lot better than this waste of space

Ok, I can see the consensus is that he's a dick. I have only listed his bad points though so to balance it out (and so you can see why I'm torn in my head about this) here are his good points:

1. He can be very kind and is generous with money (he earns significantly more than me and is happy to pay when he has suggested taking me somewhere)

1. He compliments me a lot and tells me I'm beautiful

1. If I'm upset about other problems (not him) he's willing to listen.

1. He's not exactly selfish in bed but the oral thing he definately avoids. He doesn't demand I do it to him but will happily be the receiver and never the giver. He is affectionate and cuddles/doesn't pressure me to have sex.

1. He's made an effort to meet my family and he's talked about me to his. I don't think there's another woman

1. He works away so I understand why he can't see me more often than once a week and he does follow through when he says he will see me

1. I have pulled him up on the lack of texts/calls and he does try to change. I think that he does listen to some of my complaints.

1. He tries to be understanding about my anxiety and will put my mind at rest if I'm worried about something.

1. Makes me breakfast in bed and cooks dinner when I'm at his

I know it's easy to say he's a dick from my first post but the hotel thing he apologised and said he just wanted to spend some time with me in a place he knew was nice. The receptionist saw on the system he'd been before so didn't recognise him and he couldn't have known she would out him like that.

The 'I need to get laid' was supposed to be a joke and he said he wouldn't say it again. He meant that I needed to get laid as I was in a bad mood (not the other way round if that makes sense)

I have no idea what a normal relationship is and I do pull him up a lot of the time but he's asked me to be honest and I don't want resentment to build.

My exh was abusive and has given me a complex about food (if I didn't get it right he would shout at me and refuse to eat it). My bf knows about this which is why I was so upset that he wouldn't eat what I made. I convinced him to try some and he picked at it in the end and said he appreciated the effort (only after I got upset though).

The phone thing normally doesn't bother me but I've pulled him up on it when we were out for dinner and also last night because I wanted it to be special.

The thing is though these are not good points, while yes they are good and very nice they are the basics of a relationship ..I would expect this of a relationship especially one that's in its very early stages.
None of it cancels out the shitty ways he's treated you.

Jaffacakes,

Abusive men are not abusive the whole time; if they were then no woman would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse though is a continuous one.

He is a different man to your ex but they have one thing in common; this man is abusive as well towards you and does not treat you with the respect you deserve. His bad points outweigh any good ones by a long chalk. He may treat you better than your ex but the abusive nature is still there.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

He is probably very similar to your family of origin who also were your primary influence in teaching you about relationships. As you have stated yourself, you have no idea what a normal relationship is and your family of origin have not helped you with that either. You are still not very good re boundaries or recognising the red flags in relationships. Womens Aid could help you in that respect.

The "I need to get laid" thing isn't nice no matter what around it is, OP.

Look the thing is, good points aren't supposed to balance bad ones. They're supposed to a) heavily outweigh them and b) the bad points aren't supposed to be all that bad, either.

Look, my DH's worst point is that he thinks I'm lazy because he's the one who is most regimented about getting washes in and out of the machine, (but he doesn't fold them properly and he mixes colours). And he sometimes gets jealous that I work part time so have a three day weekend, and that I plan on keeping my three day weekend when DD goes to school in 2019 and I'll have a day off.

All the things you've mentioned as good points are all basic relationship stuff. That's what you should expect as a minimum from anybody.

You should also expect respect.

Even reading all your perceived good points I still say dump.

If someone brought you flowers every time they saw you but slapped you when they left would you stay in the relationship?