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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 valentines cards

242 replies

Oneandoneontheway · 14/02/2018 23:04

Found 2 cards last night, both blank in my husbands laptop bag. He was away with work today on site. I have been given one card and just checked the bag now & the other card is no longer there. Paranoia or reason to be suspicious?!?!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneandoneontheway · 17/02/2018 00:57

Im too sad, he's,gone off to bed, im going to sleep in ds room and regroup tomorrow

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/02/2018 01:08

He has no right to be angry with you. I feel so bad that he is projecting the blame onto you. Do you have anyone in RL that you can turn to such as family or friends?

Can you ask him to leave while you clear your thoughts , space away from him may help you rationalise things and help you plan your next steps and what you want to do?

Sending hugs xxx

MinorRSole · 17/02/2018 01:20

I'm so sorry op, the anger is normally associated with being caught out. The 2 cards were suspicious enough really but the reaction pretty much confirms it. There's always someone here to talk to when you need it Thanks

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 01:20

Oh no, I was really hoping that there was an innocent explanation, I was all for not being hasty but OP, he is deflecting. His reaction is that of someone who has IMO something to hide I am afraid.

I don't think you will find proof now as he know's you are on to him so will be busily deleting any traces, however because of his reaction I am certain that he gave the other card to someone he is either is having a relationship with or wants to.

I can not imagine how you must be feeling right now.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/02/2018 01:21

This website is quite supportive , my friend found it useful after she found out her Dh had cheated. It talks about 180 and how to get through things with whatever decision you make:

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

Xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/02/2018 01:28

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/calling-all-bss/

This part is actually better (I feel) xx

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 01:29

Oh I'm so sorry :(

MrsDilber · 17/02/2018 01:35

Oh no, op. What a horrible situation. He has no right to be angry at you, most of us would want answers too.

It's so unfair of him to bounce it back on you.

bonnielassie1 · 17/02/2018 06:04

Hope you’re ok op

namechangefailed · 17/02/2018 06:31

Oh op. Thanks He's turning it back on you to ease his guilt and justify his affair.
What are you going to do?

Angelf1sh · 17/02/2018 07:04

I am sorry op, his behaviour has ruled out any possible innocent explanation. There’s just no reason to have called you venomous over a perfectly legit question, except deflection. I hope you’re ok (well as ok as you can be).

whiteroseredrose · 17/02/2018 08:05

So sorry to hear that. I expected you to get back with a silly story. It sounds like he's got a narrative going in his head so that he can blame you and make himself feel better.

MrsMozart · 17/02/2018 08:09

Oh bugger. I'm sorry lass.

sparklepops123 · 17/02/2018 08:09

I’m very sorry, he’s trying to put the blame on you don’t listen to it. Good luck Flowers

topcat2014 · 17/02/2018 08:13

I always pick the first card I see (after making sure it says Wife, and not Girlfriend etc).

I do buy two cards though - and give one to DD - which I write with my left hand :)

I generally don't give more than five seconds thought to cards, so would never buy two and choose later.

LittleLights · 17/02/2018 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 17/02/2018 08:14

I'm sorry OP Flowers the anger at the question speaks volumes in my experience

topcat2014 · 17/02/2018 08:15

Good luck OP - didn't RTFT..

Lweji · 17/02/2018 08:17

Him putting the blame in you is to justify it in his head. So he can still be the good guy in the story.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 17/02/2018 08:26

Typical - trying to blame it all on you . Deflecting and thinking on his feet for excuses.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 17/02/2018 08:27

I'm so sorry One.

KateGrey · 17/02/2018 08:36

The anger would be the big red flag.

Paperdoll16 · 17/02/2018 08:37

Oh dear OP.

And this is exactly the reason why people should never just ask.

Op didn't get the answer and is left feeling more confused and upset AND now even at the end of a string of offensive name calling for simply 'asking her DH' where the second card went.

So, further to my last post, where I listed the red flags, I'll add this one now too. It's all part of the script.

  1. He's projected the blame onto you. He's now pre warned you that you are uncaring, unloving, etc etc (this is his excuse btw) despite the fact you have a small baby and toddler and have probably been incredibly overwhelmed and unsupported yourself.
  1. I'll add the next ones.. you have now shown him that you've seen a tiny bit of evidence. He will have let her know that you're on to him whilst sleeping in separate rooms last night.

This will also heighten his negative feelings towards you as you've pissed on his parade (that is until you really do find out the truth, and he will be all tears, full of remorse, and has always wanted you and the DC! Hmm).

  1. He's going to be even more careful now, and probably with a little less guilt (as he's angry with you).

So DO NOT just try to ignore this now.
You'll need to try and get to the bottom of this today. DO accept some shit excuse that he's conjured up now he's had time re the card. You know that anything about this will be a lie. I would ask him for his phone. And keep it. It'll be wiped of course but he may miss something and she will make contact at some point.

Sorry you are in this situation. Thanks

GlitterBurps · 17/02/2018 08:44

So sorry OP, what a shit he is. Do you have access to money in case you and child need to get some space away from him. What support do you have in RL? Sending you a big hug.

C0untDucku1a · 17/02/2018 08:48

Sorry op. What a shit he is.