Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

I get you rheleli.
When these men finally do the one thing they should have done years ago, it often doesn’t feel like a positive step or a YAAAY moment.

Sometimes, to me, it has felt the saddest time or the most angry time - why not before? Why so long, so many years of pain and frustration for aomwth8ng so simple as xxx, going to see the GP?

rheleli
I agree. Not do with the sex side, but it impacted on it, but when my xdp finally got help I felt so much rage.
I had spent so long accomadating him and his problems for years and it could be fixed easily (ish)
And because of fucking embarrassment we had to go through all of that fucking shit. It’s selfish. And if you’re a partner or someone who WONT seek help then you always have to be kind and supportive.
It actually was the death of us. Which sounds crazy

*of someone who won’t seek help

This going to the Doctors lark is often just another delaying tactic. What is a doctor going to do? These men don’t fancy you, that’s the problem. Lack of desire for whatever reason is not going to be solved by a doctor.

I have been in this situation and the Doctors things delayed our separation by another 6 months.

There was no sustained change after the doctors, sex therapy, counselling, chats, crying, shouting etc etc etc.

I later found out he had a long standing mistress but didn’t want to break up his safety net! He didn’t have a low sex drive! Just a low sex drive with me and that bit is the bit that women don’t want or like to accept!

His excuse? He found it exciting doing something that was “forbidden” whilst he found our relationship dull! He also said he hadn’t felt “that way” about me for 9 years since the birth of our DS. Nice.....

This is definitely my feeling maidenvoyage I think my husbands I down to Him having an emotional affair with someone ( a friend ) but I have zero proof but this I was waiting for after a while o suspicion and voila no more sex life so I’m even more suspicious
We shall see
I’m sure Its a reason in many situations as you’ve experienced also

Huntinginthedark Tue 13-Feb-18 16:42:40
rheleli
I agree. Not do with the sex side, but it impacted on it, but when my xdp finally got help I felt so much rage.
I had spent so long accomadating him and his problems for years and it could be fixed easily (ish)
And because of fucking embarrassment we had to go through all of that fucking shit. It’s selfish. And if you’re a partner or someone who WONT seek help then you always have to be kind and supportive.
It actually was the death of us. Which sounds crazy

Not crazy I totally get the rage.... I went out on a hen night a few years ago, second time round for my friend. There we were all wearing pink bits and pieces. I was driving so sober. A man started chatting to me. I suddenly realised I was being chatted up. Chokes on coke. I stumbled over my words pointed to wedding ring. and fled. Later on that night we ended up somewhere else. The man was there as well. We actually got to talking, he was divorced had a son he looked after every weekend, was a nice looking guy. It was flattering to have someone who found me attractive. No I didnt give him my phone number he did ask (blush), friends told OH at our next group night out that a man had followed me around town. He didnt turn a hair. I do remember going home and wanting to shout at him that I was still attractive/fanciable, but I internalised the rage.

At other times I shouted, screamed, wept silently, nothing worked he just closed himself off even more.

Oh @Rheleli, On one hand, I thought that it was progress for your dh to say how he feels. Not many men would admit to feeling embarrassed about something. On the other hand, I understand your anger. Five years is a long time. As @Huntinginthedark says, it could have been fixed earlier, when you were accommodating him.

@Maidenvoyage1. The last 2 paragraphs of your post made me weep.
Heartless, selfish bastard.

It’s never too late to change your life Blue. I was with my ex for 29 years too.

@Lalaland. You are right.

We have never really sat and actually talked about why we don’t have sex anymore, in depth. I think that is the next step.

Is it because we are scared of the answer, that our marriage is all but dead?

Sometimes I look at other men, wondering on what I’m missing out on.

*friends told OH at our next group night out that a man had followed me around town. He didn`t turn a hair. I do remember going home and wanting to shout at him that I was still attractive/fanciable, but I internalised the rage.

At other times I shouted, screamed, wept silently, nothing worked he just closed himself off even more*.

@welshmist. You’re well shot of him. Hope you are in a happy relationship now, or indeed happily single xx

should have been in bold

I've name changed for this but joining in to say I'm in the same boat but for different reasons.

I've been with dh for 14 years married for 11. He is kind and caring, a great dad, helpful at home and basically my best friend but the sex is non-existent. It started off great and just gradually petered out over the years.

I've brought up the issue many many times before and we'd start having more regular intimacy but it would always gradually stop.

A couple of years ago everything came to a head. I found out he'd set up a private Twitter account which he was using to follow porn stars. He then broke down and admitted that he has a serious porn addiction that had been going on for years and years.

We started going to relate which helped a bit but out counsellor was never really right for us and wouldn't discuss the porn issue at all. We also both had some issues with her style and approach and foolishly decided to try and deal with our issues ourselves.

Well, that was 2 years ago and clearly didn't work as we're back in sex-free zone and although he denied it when i asked, he's obviously using porn again.

Dh knows what he's doing is unfair and yet he can't break his addiction. I think he needs specific help to deal with that (which for the record seems linked to childhood trauma he experienced) and then maybe relate could help us to reconnect.

Sorry for waffling but it's my way of saying that I'm in a similar boat and know I need to do something to sort it all (because it won't happen unless I instigate it) but that it's so soul destroying and isolating.

I was in a sexless marriage similar to yours. Turns out he was gay. Don’t rule it out yet.

I'm probably in the minority, but Dan Savage gives a pass to unhappily sexless married folks having affairs to keep the family unit stable for kids. If you are co parenting well either have an affair (safely!) or ask your husband if you can open the relationship.

I'm in the same crap situation.
I had counselling just by myself which helped alot. We discussed that I wasn't being unreasonable to want intimacy and I also felt I should be just grateful for having a nice supportive husband and compromise on lack of sex - she assured me I shouldnt accept this compromise.
The counsellor was great and helped me conclude that I'm not a perv or sex pest by wanting intimacy and I deserve to feel attractive and wanted.
I feel ready in a position to make a move and initiate a split but can't find the words.
I understand all these posts and feel for you

Same here OP, it's been 12 years now.

He's not gay. He's against porn. He just does not think about or need sex. I had an affair and almost left him - the experience of being wanted and of lusting, was like a tsunami - but when I told him I was leaving he apologised for not being sexual with me, said he loved sex with me and that it would all change....
I think we had sex about five times after that, then never again.
Like your DH, my DP was not really into sex from the start. The signs were there - he told me that he thinks complimenting a woman 'without her permission' is abusive. And yes he means his own partner! So I live with a kind, supportive DP who is an active father to our 2DCs, and who has supported me in whatever I want to do (I have kept my career going and am financially independent from him). He has never judged me, never put me down, never let me down, he will do anything for me ... other than sex.

Moving to separate bedrooms 9 years or so ago really helped.

Like you, I also miss the intimacy; if I go to hold his hand, he does for a moment or two then gently pulls away saying 'oh I'm sorry my hands are all disgusting and sweaty' (when they are not). If I try and cuddle him, he moves his body sideways so that it's like a 'friend' cuddle, not front to front bodies. He has body issues I think - he never liked kissing with tongues, was always apologetic about bad breath that he never had... anyway, the words of advice I have are:

I wish I had left years ago. I was and am a coward, and I am terrified of living alone.

Years of feeling undesirable, unappreciated, unwanted, and frustrated as hell, have come at a terrible price that I did not foresee. I thought I was staying together to give the kids a stable home (and in many many ways it has been.) But the price I have paid is that the DC see me now as an angry, bitter, snippy and unpleasant partner to the man they see as kind, undemanding, and tolerant. It hurts beyond words.

Gosh bucking that's identical to my situation. :( Down to the never criticising or anything just all round pleasant....

And the saying they love sex and it will change..... I wish he'd just say he wasn't that into it/gay rather than the double talk. I've said to him so many times his word dont mean the same as when a normal couple.say they love sex.

If I say I love cheese but there's cheese in the fridge and on offer every day and never eat but go around saying I love cheese it would be meaningless....

I think, Stick, that my DP is probably asexual to be honest. Have you looked at that? perhaps with your DH?

I just wish I wasn't such a coward - he's a lovely man in so many ways and I don't want anyone else, but oh my god it's been hard. The menopause did help me a lot - lost all my own sexual urges and can't be bothered to go looking for them any more.

So much heartbreaking posts on here. My time to escape has passed now as well bucking

Welsh

I'm in a similar position. My dh tells me he finds me attractive and wanymts to have sex with me but then gives a load of excuses why not, he's tired/stressed/worried. I sent him a funny text from bed offering sex the other day. He was downstairs and I heard him laugh. Then he texted back that he had a beer so not tonight. It's so lonely. We have young dcs so it's not easy to just call it a day.

This thread is also running at the moment:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3172879-Would-you-stay-in-a-sexless-marriage?msgid=75762515#75762515

Bookvan that is so sad to hear. Hate how the men minimise it and won't discuss or seek help.

When our DCs were very young we went without sex on and off for years. Once going 5 years without. I think when you have children and maybe work too, it’s hard to be everything to everyone, and you compromise. And usually that compromise is shelving sex. Your house needs cleaning, you need to go out to work, your DCs need lots of attention but sex just seems more like a luxury that you can do without. My sex drive returned once the DCs hit their mid teens and didn’t need my attention as much, and I just had more time to fit sex back into my life. Now we enjoy a healthy regular sex life again, and it’s better sex. So there is light at the end of the tunnel, depending on your situation.

Not exactly sexless but sporadic and I was so frustrated I basically told him I hadn't agreed to a sexless marriage that if he wasn't interested in that kind of intimacy with me I'd need to find someone who was.

I was fairly blunt but I think all my frustration came out, told him how rejected I felt how undesirable it made me feel that a man who professes to love me isn't seemingly wanting to enjoy a healthy sex life.

He was mortified and we embarked on that 28 sex thing...we got as far as day 3 but it did reconnect us of sorts and now we have sex at least once or twice week sometimes more.

Be blunt. Your needs matter.

What is the 28 sex thing? Is it a programme to follow?