Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

Can’t remember how many years ago since my .h and last had sex. I found it so hurtful that he knew the physical side of our relationship was important to me - as it is, I think in varying degrees, for most couples - yet he made me feel in the wrong for even trying to talk about it. I also found it upsetting that he seemed to have no desire for me at all. Then I went past the stage of wanting to make love him with, and I was actually repelled by the thought.

Perhaps if everything else between us had been ok that would have been enough to work on but add that to his laziness around the house, his unwillingness to find a job (not to mention his willingness to live off me and spend without thinking about whether we could afford it), his rudesness to other people and some of his views (on race, Brexit, fat people etc) and there was nothing to make me want even stay and try. We are in the process of splitting up.

My advice would be to communicate with one another about how this makes you feel and keep talking. I know I just shut down after so many rejections and I regret that I didn’t try more.. I think you need to work out if this is fixable and if it isn’t, if it’s a dealbreaker for you.

Can't believe you put up with this but u did marry knowing this sex Is an important part of a relationship if u crave it and he don't u feel rejected all the time I would be worried of being in company of other people and someone shows u the attention u need that is how all affairs start it's clearly effecting u and he is doing nothing to better the situation maybe there's a reason behind him not wanting sex maybe he'd not confident enough at it how many sexual partners has he had

G1. I think there is a big confidence element. I was his first later on in life. Hes also got problems um finishing with piv. He can finish by himself but over 50% not inside me. So i think that adds to his anxiety. It makes every time he tries more nerve racking for him I guess as he puts pressure to finish quickly or just to finish and can't. Or sometimes it just loses it and goes limp.

So no quick shags. Maybe it means sex just isn't satisfying to him. It used to make me feel frustrated he couldn't just shag me and th at would so help build up his interest again I think but if the "reward" after mak ing an effort with me isn't there it's tricky isn't it.

He's not very aware sexually - ie will keep stroking a nipple way past when it's irritating or not turning me on - he doesn't seem to react to what does and doesn't turn me on. And yes in better times we talk about it. Lots. I say explicitly the things that work/don't work. I do the whole "I love it when you do x....can we try y..." and he then just stops after about a week. For months.

It would now be a dealbreaker if life wasn't entwined with kids etc. It's easy to say "oh I'd leave without sex" if youre in a sexually satisfying relationship and ideologically of course I'd choose a sexual relationship over a non sexual one but I'm already in the relationship with kids. We enjoy each other's company, have built a life together.

I wish I could solve his issues somehow. I think it's inexperience/not able to come piv easily/performance anxiety/low drive/perhaps being smaller than average/... So many things.

By nature he is quite passive (his calmness attracted me to him initially) but very unassertive and not very driven. It irritates me in a way that i guess the things that attract us have a flip side. Day to day I manage that but I think it's reflected in his approach to sex. I usually fancy type A types... he's probe to giving up

Arg. I'm waffling and it ends up being more explicit in order to describe a problem. I think it might be too much to fix.

middleage your reasons sound very similar to mine with the added bonus of illness.

My dcs will all have left home in 5 years.
I am. Hoping I will have left by that time. If not, there will be nothing keeping me there.

It's up to him to sort his issues, what is he doing to make things better?

you analysed him very well sticky. I hope you will find a solution. I think you are in a good path.

Another here, not had sex for about 2 years, and to be honest, though I’m rather sad that it’s got to this, I really don’t miss it.

I was his first sexually, so he had no experience and he never really got any better (not that I’m the best, mind), it was painful, but we got on so well at the time, it didn’t matter.

As the years have rolled by (27) things have changed. He is still a good husband, does his fair share of things, and we still go away together.
All that’s left is companionship. Like he’s my friend. He even calls me his best mate.
He said himself that we have grown apart in some ways, closer in others. And we only seem animated when making plans. But that’s it.
Even having a new central heating system installed was a exciting, as it meant we had something new to talk about.
I think the love has gone. I get irritated at some things that he does, same things from a long time ago, that at the time didn’t bother me as I loved him. I feel resentful.

Sorry to all going through this also 💐
Crap, isn’t it? Xx

Perhaps if everything else between us had been ok that would have been enough to work on but add that to his laziness around the house, his unwillingness to find a job (not to mention his willingness to live off me and spend without thinking about whether we could afford it), his rudesness to other people and some of his views (on race, Brexit, fat people etc) and there was nothing to make me want even stay and try. We are in the process of splitting up

That’s awful, @Giraffe1, so sorry. How does he feel about you both splitting up?

Dh and (fucking) MIL have those conversations about race Brexit etc when we go round to hers for Sunday lunch. Funny, he never talks like that at home. Like he’s a puppet. I have zero respect for him for this.

On a plus side, we have a cuddle on the sofa after tea every night, which is nice, and we greet each other with a hug when we get in from work.

Oh Blue have you got kids? If not at 27 if really really suggest you think about a differ ent relationship. 27 is too young to spend the rest of your life celibate.

In true "don't end up like me" form.

.

Stick- I think she meant she has been with him 27 years not age 27. That’s how I read it anyway

Ah sorry @Stick, my fault, I meant been together 27 years, and no kids. We are early 50’s.
So it’s just me and him, just wandering aimlessly...
I feel sad at how we could talk about everything and anything once.

The last few times we had sex, it was clumsy. He fell asleep once while inside me, along with fumbling about beforehand, so I get you when you say he is not very aware sexually. He is the same.
So I won’t initiate it, because I know how painfully sad it will be.
Sorry you are going through this also xx

Oh sorry I completely misread. It would be hard to give up on 27 years "just" for sex woudlnt it.

It seems there's so many of us :(

It’s grim Blue isn’t it. It’s like the end of your days are fast approaching and the passion is all gone and you know it will never come back.

I had an affair. I couldn’t stand it any longer but still had a child at school and didn’t want to leave until they had been through all of their exams.

Bluemazda that is so sad. I think you are right - you want sex and intimacy but overtime you become nervous in case it does happen and it is horrid or just makes you feel sadder because of all the emotions that have built up around the issue.

I do know someone who says she is successfully living without sex in her marriage. Her husband gave up on sex after several depressive episodes but she decided due to her Christian faith that she couldn't leave so has carved out a busy completely separate life for herself outside of the home - lots of craft groups, church volunteering etc. She has agreed boundaries with her husband - he gives her a hug and kiss each morning and night, will accept hugs and she tells him if he spoken "out of turn" (sarcastically usually). She feels she has taken back "control" as his decision not have sex/affection had made her feel she had no control in the relationship.

@Lalaland, yes it’s grim, and yes the passion is definitely gone.
Regarding the affair you had, did it make you feel desired again.
Desperation, or human nature, calls on us to find something that is missing from our lives. It’s not right or wrong, is it?

I feel so sad. I’ve been on the verge of tears a few times at how we were once, even if the sex wasn’t particularly great, at least we had intimacy.
He moans at everything now (not necessarily at me), just all sorts of things, chuffing grumpy Victor Meldrew.
Whinge whinge whinge. Which obviously doesn’t help.
He’s turning into his parents.
I wish I could turn this around to the way it used to be. I fear that part of our life is over.

@Kikashi, sometimes I wonder if that’s the way to go, having separate interests.

I mean, we do have them, but they’re mainly home based
I sew and grow veg in the summer, whereas his bobby is car/motorbike related. I need to find something else.
Our friends have families, so to get out with some of the girls for a coffee etc to get out of the house is hard work these days.

*hobby

Everyone deserves intimacy and affection. Without it we die from the inside out
Couldn’t have put that better myself @Talith.

Blue - yes it did. He was divorced And had his own place so it was good. It lasted 3 years and it got me through the bleak marriage I had. We only saw one another now and again but it gave me a feeling of being alive.

My DH didn’t come near me for 5 years prior to that.

The affair ended sadly but I have now ended my marriage as my youngest is out of education.

I now live alone through choice but have a male “friend” who I see a couple of times a week and it’s all good.

The affair made me realise that I was too young to give up on passion.

@Lalaland, glad it has worked out for you in the end 💐.

Both sad (lack of desire/intimacy) yet glad (clumsy dry sex) that we don’t have sex anymore.
It’s a vicious circle, really.

It’s never too late to change your life Blue. I was with my ex for 29 years too.

Well I've just had a devastating lunch with my DH during which he made a song and dance about booking a doctor's appointment.

I asked him why he hadn't done this before, in the last five years I've been so unhappy.

He told me it's because he's embarrassed.

I pointed out that I have swallowed my pride and dignity to tell him I feel like a hideous fat hag around him. That it is embarrassing to beg for intimacy from my husband.

I left the restaurant. That's just it isn't it. His pride is his priority, not my feelings or this marriage.

I am so angry on the train I don't know what I'll do.

Calm down Rheleli, you don`t realise what progress this is for him. I cannot get mine to go to the Dr. Years ago he said he was talking to a mate who told him we were too old for that nonsense. The mate is 80!!

Be glad he is going to do something about it, support him, I left my dignity behind at my first gynae. appointment. Men don`t go through this. He must love you if he is prepared to do something about it.

You have no idea how happy your post has made me.