Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

Gamer- I've thought about that so often. Especially as my drive is high and I'd love to experiment. However he doesn't want it and really I can't separate sex and feelings. I'd fall for the person I was having sex with and just be upset I wasn't getting that within my relationship!

Ok, you can't force someone to have sex they don't want, but equally you shouldn't have to stay in a sexless relationship.

OP, it seems to me that your DH isn't listening to you, after all, things are fine for him, aren't they? But your feelings and needs are being ignored. And they aren't trivial needs, the vast majority of us need intimacy and not just sex. Don't rule out leaving, and don't stay for the sake of the DCs. They'll be able to sense your unhappiness, even if they don't know why you're unhappy. It's no way to live, and isn't a good relationship model for them.

To give another perspective, I’m in a marriage where there isn’t enough sex and I’m the one doing the rejecting. My sex drive has just disappeared in the past couple of years and I have absolutely no desire to do it. In the past I’ve tried to make an effort for my DH’s sake even if I wasn’t in the mood but things have got worse between us in the past 6 months and I couldn’t pretend anymore. He has now had an affair and said it was down to the constant rejection and depression he felt and that he felt it meant I didn’t love him. So the lack of sex was obviously a dealbreaker for him although he is now desperate to save the marriage because he says he loves me.

I do love him and I can’t explain the lack of desire. I think he’s attractive but I just don’t want to have sex with him or anyone. I really wish I did and absolutely hate feeling this way. I felt so guilty rejecting him but it wore me down to have sex when I really didn’t want to.

Ask your GP if they can refer you to a counselling service.

Or both of you.

Hello ladies. I was in this boat too, for three years with no sex. I was so happy in many ways, we got on OK, he was good to me mostly. But no deep kissing, no touching my breasts or bum....nothing. He didn't even look if I passed him naked to the bath. I left after getting a new job that was 90% men. Literally within weeks.

The worst thing was re entering the sexual life actually. I'd thrown away my nice undies. Why I did that I'll never know. I guess I thought I'd not need them anymore. Well, now I do. I have been having amazing sex with this younger man. I cannot recommend sexlessness as a life experience. My thoughts are with anyone going through this.

To the OP tho, you are very sure you're stuck there aren't you. BUT?...he could always be that guy to you still, but you live in different houses? He could come round, help you out, see the kids etc. you could find a private rent, claim HB and start working part time. I know it's sad and not what you wanted but there is always life out there. Always x and in time you will meet a wonderful new man and be spread out underneath him calling his name out in joy x

Stick what is his family like?

You mention he might be repressed, is that something you could talk to him about?

This was me 5 years ago and I will admit I slept with a couple of people at the end of my marriage.Wed had problems for years going without sexual contact for nearly a year before I told him I wanted to separate.I wasn't happy and had to go it was scary as hell I had no savings and a low paid job but I managed

Another one here . We’ve been in counselling for 5 years over various things and I have said repeatedly I won’t stay in a sexless marriage but here I am. He says the right things , he’s changed his medication but no different. If I instigate things it happens but if I don’t nothing. We’ve gone about 6 months with nothing because I’ve just lost the drive to fight for the marriage now. It’s killed my love for him so that’s over 20 years together down the drain. I’ve got a job I love, friends, do charity work and have hobbies it doesn’t replace this need. I realise it won’t ever change and go back to how it was.

Like something2say I was also in a sexless marriage but for many , many years - it's too embarrassing to actually say how long ! We split up and I have been having THE hottest sex with a guy 10 years younger than myself for 7 months . It was initially very daunting of course and as something said you lose your sexy underwear, you lose your mojo, you lose your confidence ! Either get it sorted Stick or move on - really . I regret not doing it earlier when I was younger !

Stick

There are problems in the relationship though, he is ignoring your needs and only giving part of himself to you

You have raised this repeatedly with him and yet what does he do? He could try to be more intimate, satisfy you or anything really that acknowledges the problem but he chooses to put himself first and ignore you

A nanny ir a cleaner could do the same tasks, that doesn't name a marriage

You’ll feel lots better when you lose weight. Even just a few pounds will get you feeling much more in control of your life.
What kind of business does your husband have? Could you look at helping him with the admin side while you’re job seeking?
It would be something to put on your cv and you could maybe avoid any more mismanagement?
Then once you’ve got everything else sorted look at what you do next. The extra money could help with the sex therapy too?

Can you get back into your old career or if not yes to a new job. You will feel valued and get your self esteem back and also hopefully make new friends. I think ultimately you will need to leave but having your independence will give you the confidence to do so. Life is too short. You deserve to be happy

Stick- don’t waste your money. It’s not going to change. It’s either an accept it and deal with it or leave situation.

All this “but I do find you attractive” to all the ladies on here is bullshit. They don’t. If they did they wouldn’t be acting the way they do.

There will be the odd exception but in the main the desire has gone.

Open relationships would solve a lot of these problems. If only people weren’t so closed off to the idea. There is very much a case of “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to either”

To divert slightly , is it likely a man who doesn’t want sex could be because they are having it with someone else so it’s like cheating ? Or they have lost their libido ?

Posh, in lots of cases they will be. In this one it doesn’t sound like it. A lot of Men can be very devious when it comes to sex though so it is hard to rule out anything.

Hi op,

Your posts sound so sad. Its clear you love your husband but you're just not sexually compatible. What did he say to the replies you read out?

As a previous poster said I think having as much non sexual contact is a good idea to try and bring some intimacy and affection back into your marriage.

Does your weight bother him, have you asked him if he finds you less attractive since gaining weight?

Also I think with relate they suggest £40 a session but you offer to pay what you can.

Stick imagine your OP was written by a 25 year old what advice would you give her? How will you feel 15 years on if the situation has not changed and you are still with him, will you feel bitter, cheated?

I was about to start a new thread here, about the exact same problem.

I'm 28, and I've been married for four years.

My DH is very thoughtful, kind, and intelligent. He does everything for me. I love him so very much. He tells me he loves me, and he wants to be with me sexually.

But we rarely have sex. He doesn't really talk to me unless I start a conversation. He can be quite negative about exciting ideas I try and get him to be enthusiastic about.

I feel repulsive. I've talked, cried, joked, ranted, and eventually threatened to leave. He makes the right noises, but then we settle back into the same patterns. I've told him everything about how I feel, and how humiliated I am that my own husband doesn't seem to want me. I feel like I have no dignity left.

I have put on 8 stone over the course of our relationship. I joined WW a couple of weeks ago and I've lost 4.5lbs so far. I feel horrendous.

I think about leaving him. But he would be so, so heartbroken. I know he doesn't actually want me to feel this way. And he is such a kind man. I think I'm just asking for something he can't give.

Is it better to be alone - potentially having sex and feeling desired, but ending up without any companionship - or is it better to stay in a marriage that is fully-functional in every other way except sexually? What a choice.

I bagged my dream job which I'm starting in summer. I daydream that this will somehow boost my confidence and set me in a different direction. I really really wish that my husband would come with me.

Rhelili I think perhaps you do need your own thread, to put on so much weight (a fellow SW member here) you need to explore why that happened. Is he encouraging in your WW journey for instance? Sometimes those we love can actually not be that helpful.

Going back decades, my OH and I went shopping in Chester, we looked in the windows of shops with beautiful clothes he said when you reach x size I will buy you those. Funnily enough running around after two small children I reached a size 6. He never said a bloody word about that. Never got the clothes or compliments.

Recently going through albums looking for lookalikes of our children in our grandchildren he found some holiday pics of me in bikinis, he said in surprise "you had a good figure in those days " head bangs in frustration. Should add, he has never been an oil painting himself.

rheleli that is so sad. I would focus on you and your new job, find interests outside your relationship and seriously think about leaving. You don't have DC yet(?). I'm being blunt but I can't see things improving especially if he just puts his head in the sand and hopes the issue won't come up for another 6 months. He doesn't want to change only an ultimatum that you are prepared to act on might jump start things but that feeling of not being truly desired will be hard to shake.

He is not a "kind man". He knows the situation is hurting you - you have put on weight etc but he is putting his needs and wants first - to keep you with him when he knows the situation is damaging you. It might be love but not the generous giving love that you are showing him.

Rheleli- at your age yes it is better.

The bit about him wanting you sexually too- he doesn’t. He is lying.

Don’t waste your life especially if you don’t have children.

He may be heartbroken but that is not a good enough reason for you to stay.

I was in this situation, tbh while the lack of sex was an issue, the lack of any intimacy wad a far greater one.

The rejection and loss of self esteem eventually put me in a really bad place to the extent that when I went to sleep at night I really didn't want to wake up the next day.

Eventually after many failed attempts to make her aware that our marriage wouldn't survive as it was, the penny dropped and she eventually took it seriously.

I remember a conversation when she said something about some event in the future and I said I don't think we'll still be together then, the shock on her face was a defining moment and the start of efforts to improve, communicate and work together to fix things.

A year on and we are doing well, still plenty of work to be done but getting there.

I think many partners will bobble along unwilling to address the problems in a relationship until that shock, alas that shock is often to late.

Brilliant Harmless Chap! Glad it's improving for you both. My dh is lovely but couldn't see how this had destroyed me. I've pretty much said the same, future events will be attended by us separately, talking about when I move out, etc and he looks so shocked. He's since tried a tiny bit of intimacy which is a start. I believe if you're like best friends, still laugh together (when you can) and can't imagine being apart it's worth fighting for if both people make the effort with simple touching