Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

Ok I the relationship I am the one who doesn’t want sex.
As for you it’s not practical for me to leave because I am a low earner (due to chronic illness triggered by stress within the marriage btw).

Now I will give you the other side of the coin.
Following several threads in here, I came to the conclusions that I really couldn’t nit have sex with my H. At the time, I wouod have said I still loved him and that I wanted to save the relationship. So I had sex with him, albeit infrequently.
Now THAT was soul destroying. It made me hate myself, destroyed my self esteem and self worth and didn’t help at all in a relationhsip side.

Nowdays, it feels totally ok to me because I’ve disengaged completely from the relationhsip (and yes that means no intimacy).
I suppose that H has an issue with it. For the first time in YEARS, he casually has started to take notice of me and make an effort around me. Too little too late.
But the reason why I disengaged is because that was the only way for me to keep my sanity whilst having the time to get back on my feet health wise. Which means being able to earn more than the pittance I’m earning atm. Until conditions have improved enough for me to leave.

If I was in your place, I wouod do the same. Disengage and look for a better job/a way to be financially ok. Or as ok as you can be.
Knowing that being in your own will bring you some many pluses that having a bit more money will not.

No. No children.

welshmist he's very supportive with my WW. If I'm not the one cooking I can send him recipes and he'll get the ingredients and follow the instructions exactly. I'm sorry your OH didn't see you. I wish mine would too.

When I get upset he does recognise I'm not happy and that he perhaps can't make me so. His last message (yesterday) when I told him (yet again) how down it's making me feel:

"I’ve been going over and over in my head about what to say for the past hour, but it all just sounds silly, or selfish, or things that I’ve said before that I haven’t done. I really don’t want to hold you back or make you unhappy any more. I don’t think you have unrealistic expectations at all, but I still don’t know if I can live up to them. You deserve a lot better than this, and me. I love you and I don’t want you to go, but I know I don’t make you happy."

It's hard to admit failure. And to leave such a good friendship. He is, genuinely, so kind to me in every other ways.

I don't really know how to leave when I love him so much. But I feel like an old hag.

I've told him that I'm thinking about renting my own place once I can afford to. The mortgage is in his name only (we bought the place when I was studying).

Sorry Stick - I should probably make my own thread. I didn't mean to derail yours!

rheleli Your relationhsip is NOT functional if he doesn’t talk to you unless you initiate.
You seem to have very different outlooks. What you find exciting, he is finding boring.
You tell him how this all makes you feel, what you need him to do to feel ok again and.... he does fuck all.
(Being there and done all that btw. It’s not a way to live)

That means that in your situation, esp wo children and being so young, I would move in from a relationship that is soul destroying.
Enjoy your new job, create a life for yourself. You are worth much more than what you are getting from that relationhsip.
And please don’t spend years trying to save things (I’ve probably spent 10+ years making mine work). It’s not going to work if HE doesn’t want to out the effort in too.

That's the thing though - you are very good friends and supportive to one another in lots of ways but you need more- you are not his sister or mother.
He is apologising in his text but he is not saying he will get help or work on himself. Will he not see the GP (does he get erections? so it is psychological rather than physical?) or a counsellor - is he prepared to do that - surely, it is not too much to ask?

You deserve to have a loving relationship and a family (if you want it) you are still young - get out. He is not offering to work on things, just to wallow in his self pity.

It also sounds from his text like he wants you to call time - he doesn't want to be the one to end things - no, he wants you to make that "choice". I would call him on it. Move on, slim down a bit and put your emotional energy into you not him!

Regular, long-term poster but have namechanged for obvious reasons.

Firstly, this is such an incredibly difficult topic to talk about because the reality is that society has so many expectations that men should be wanting sex all the time that when they don’t they are almost looked down on. And yet if a woman has no libido we excuse it under the banner of “but she’s been home with the kids all day,” or “she’s tired, or hormonal.”

Any woman coming on here saying she had no sex drive and that her husband had finally lost it and said that he would go off and shag someone else or that they should have an open relationship would be told that the reason she doesn’t want to have sex is so very obviously because he’s an abusive arse and to get rid for his comments alone. And yet if we as women are experiencing rejection from a man with no libido the above are seen as perfectly valid suggestions.

IMO lack of intimacy within a marriage or relationship can be incredibly difficult to accept. But it can also be as the result to reaction to any intimacy, for instance if you become intimate then it can happen that the other party reads more into that and as such you become less likely to give cuddles etc if those carry an expectation of leading to something you’re not able or willing to give.

From my own perspective,I am a woman who has lost my libido due to a life-limiting illness. The medication I take doesn’t only kill my libido,it makes my skin incredibly sensitive meaning I am also sensitive to touch and as such intimacy is difficult also. That being said,I am prepared to do things for him,and am happy to give cuddles etc,but the problem with that is that he then feels guilty or bad that he can’t participate in terms of what he wants to do with me. So me touching or giving oral invariably leads to him saying that he wants to be inside me etc,and that in turn makes me feel as if what I am prepared to do isn’t good enough.

I don’t think he should have to live without intimacy. In fact I have considered ending the relationship over it but that’s not what he wants. But I do know that he feels rejected,and that I feel under pressure to do something about that. It’s taken a lot of communication to make progress on the issue, but I suspect it will ultimately cost me the relationship.

I don’t think anyone should have to live live in a sexless relationship. But I also don’t think that the one with no libido should accept that not being intimate should mean they accept their partner wanting an open relationship. If a relationship without sex doesn’t work for you, then it is clearly incompatible and you should leave rather than finding ways to make it work because you don’t want to give up the rest.

I wouldn’t blame my partner if he left me. But I wouldn’t be so understanding if he had affairs and claimed that it was because I didn’t give him sex. Even though I can actually see how that happens.

Fifty I have seen plenty of threads in here where the woman doesn’t want sex and she is told that SHE should leave to allow him to finally have a sexual relationhsip (as if he couldn’t end said relationship himself), that sex is a NEED not a want and that it is not acceptable to rREFUSE sex with your H.
Usually followed by a long list of things she can try or that he should help more with the cooking.

I know because these were the exact threads that sort of convinced me I had to have sex with H even if I didn’t really feel like it...

Well he's literally, just now, sent this:

"I don’t want you to go, I want to make things work and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. No more double speak, I swear, and no more shitting on your ideas."

But the thing is, he's said this before. And I love him so much I acquiesce and say ok. And then I end up going around in circles.

And he's not bored by my ideas - it's more like, he's overwhelmed about them and nervous about them. He had a very very sheltered upbringing and almost can't . . . imagine things, if that makes sense? It's always me who's saying "let's do this! Let's do that! Oh look, what a wonderful job/excursion/buying/holiday opportunity - shall we look into it?" And then I think about it/plan it/make it happen or it just won't and we'll spend every night in front of the TV.

Once I 'make my case', as it were, he is on board and gets into it. But he's always IMMEDIATELY unsure about anything I suggest. And I am so so so so tired of always having to generate the momentum myself, and think ahead about what his naysaying might be so I can counter it.

Which is absolutely fine of course. But it's not how I want to live anymore - I want my enthusiasm to be met with enthusiasm. And it's really not a surprise to him. I was exactly the same when we met. In fact he told me one of the reasons he fell in love with me is because I have such a different perspective to him and he likes how I introduce him to new things. But I want to actually live life and I don't want to be the SINGULAR ARCHITECT of it. I want a DH who also gets excited and suggests things for us to do and experience.

And, frankly, I want a DH who wants to fuck me.

Oh rheleli I could have typed that last post word for word.

He'll support anything I suggest but literally every weekend, every holiday, every initiative I have to plan and orchestrate. He has no ideas of his own and no ability to get enthusiastic about anything. It's lonely and bloody hard word.

And yes I don't want him to have to "try really hard and make an effort and overcome his issues and maybe possibly touch me in a sexual way." I want him to want to fuck me :(

Stick he is not magically one day going to decide he wants to fuck you though - you know that. The choice is to leave or get an agreement to work on things from him and make it happen together - see the GP, see a sexual therapist - work out a plan (small touches, building to massage, talk about issues etc) and stick with it.

We've tried the GP route with nothing doing. Testosterone normal. Viagra does nothing as it didnt affect urges at all.

I know it won't change really hence a thread for ideas living with it.

Kikashi - yes, he does get erections. Very easily actually. So I guess it's just me! And you're right, I do need more. Maybe I'm just selfish.

FiftyShadesOfNothing - I agree, it is very difficult. I can completely see what you're saying, and I'm sorry things aren't quite how you and he would like them at the moment.

And I also agree with you that the partner with no libido should not have to fear their partner having an affair. I would not actually have an affair, although in dark moments of desperation I admit I have yelled that I might. I am not particularly proud of that.

Married3Children - I think, for me, it's more the case that my DH insists that he does want sex with me and finds me attractive . . . and then it doesn't happen. He is the one creating the expectation, if that makes sense? I would never, ever force him to have sex with me.

As you are trying to find ways to ‘live with it’ i suspect you will get more and more resentful.
You will start to realise that, even though some of his behaviours are down to how he is, some aren’t and are actually chosen.
Respect will disappear as well as trust.

As you will hurt once more, you will pull back a bit more again so you aren’t feeling so crushed and hurt again.

Until there will be nothing left.

Because the bottom line is that you might want to try and do everyth8ng to be able to ‘live with it’, the reality is that it wouod be like asking you to live like a nun whilst sleeping with the person who shot of be making love with you. Talk about torture. And ime, impossible to do unless you detach yourself so much that actually it’s not important anymore.

Once it won’t be important anymore, the love will be gone.

I’m sorry. I’ve dealt with being the one who didn’t want sex and the one who has been denied the intimacy (bar having sex once a month and even then it was quick and unsastifying).
I wouldn’t recommend to anyone to try and make it work as a couple.

rheleli then if he DOES want sex, he needs to prove it.
Maybe it’s time to put him in a position where he can’t just fake wanting to have sex with you.
Either he does want to and is.
Or he isn’t having sex with you and he just doesn’t want to.....

At the moment, he is getting away with it with words. Words are cheap though and what is important is actions.
Not pointbtelling someone you love them and treat them like crap.
Say that you want to have sex but never do
That you care for someone and their well-being and always out yourSelf first
Etc etc

Stick - I have been reading books on how to cultivate a solid internal 'core' of base happiness so that external events and others' actions do not have such an impact on my day-to-day narrative. It has helped me - I try to meditate and look for fulfilment that does not involve my DH quite as much.

I started with Derren Brown's new 'Happy' book. I thought it was very good, and not at all a typical 'self-help' book if you're not a fan of those. I then moved onto William Irvine's 'A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy' which has suggestions for the practical application of Stoic theory to life.

Maybe that could help?

Also the other usuals - e.g. exercise (I hate team sport as I'm useless so I'm trying to get into jogging/running), and hobbies (photography? Joining classes?) - could be of use?

rheleli does he not want to explore why he says he desires you, can get erections but won't then act on them? I think he needs counselling. You are not selfish at all.

stick what is the minimum you would need to consider staying? daily touches on the arm, a hug in the morning? That can be enough for some people. has your husband ever explored what the problem is - or does he know but doesn't want to rock the boat?

Hi all. I am sadly in this situation as well. I don't have any answers, but I guess it's nice to speak to others the same.

I had a thread of my own, and one poster told me that I was abusive towards my husband, for asking for sex

I used to initiate often, and was rejected 90% of the time. I don't do that any more. He will initiate perhaps once every 3 weeks, however, I worry that he does this so that he can "tick me off" the jobs list for another 3 weeks. However, afterwards he does say how much he's enjoyed it, and how we should have sex more often. I feel like screaming, "yes, so you keep saying!"

I've tried talking about it, and he always agrees that things need to change. More recently, I actually broke down and sobbed about it. Twice. It's too soon to know if this outburst will bring about any change, as he's had a horrible cold, which seems to be lingering.

My first DH had a high sex drive, which I found a bit annoying, as my libido was lower then. Oh, the irony! However, he cheated a lot, which was horrendous, and sometimes I tell myself that the upside of DH not having a high sex drive, is that he's unlikely to cheat.

There really aren't any excuses, however, recently he blamed his weight gain, and said that he was embarrassed by his beer belly. But, he makes no effort to lose weight, and it feels out of my control even more, knowing this. The thing is, he carries the weight well, as he is of large build and tall, so I couldn't care less, I still fancy him!

I don't want to leave him, I love him and everything else is fine. I have no desire to sleep with another man. There is intimacy, lots of kissing for example, and whilst this is good, he would be happy to have a really long deep kiss, and then go about his day, whereas it leaves me wanting so much more. It isn't an intentional tease, but tease me it does!

Occasionally things will improve. Last year on holiday for 10 days, we had sex at least 5 times. This is the only holiday we've had where sex has been frequent. But once home, everything was back to normal. It was like being on Bullseye..... "Here's what you could have won".

I'm 48, and terrified that I will hit menopause in 3 years, and lose my libido. And then regret the lack of sex, when I really wanted it.

Sorry, not helpful, but you aren't alone Op.

don`t know about you guys, but this is raising issues for me that I thought long buried. The hurt and rejection never really goes away it seems even though I am 15 years down that road now.

Confused - it's so shit, isn't it?

It's made me cry, sat here thinking about it all.

I wondered just now, as I was upset, whether part of it is that maybe I don't really want to have sex with him anymore. I feel so strongly that he must find me repulsive - I mean, for god's sake I feel like I'm begging for sexual attention - that I wonder whether it's killed my desire for him a bit.

So maybe if/when he does ever make efforts to change I'm not really accepting them?

Maybe I've made it too scary/overwhelming for him? Like, it's become this thing.

When you really unpick your stories there is more problems in the relationship that you first thought

It takes two to build a marriage, one person initiating everything, where it be sex or activities, just doesnt work

I have been there, turned out he had a whole other life

I got out and at least now I have hope and control over my own happiness

Rhelie

He is an adult, stop blaming yourself, what is he actually doi g about it? Talk is cheap

Confused - it's so shit, isn't it?

It's very hard, yes (excuse the pun)!!

Like, it's become this thing

I know what you mean. Sometimes I get angry and moody with him, and yes, it makes it a thing and then I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. Because then he won't initiate, in case I say that I know it's only because I got mad at him.

So the better option is to keep quiet, and hope.... But honestly when I feel neglected and sexually frustrated, I don't handle it well. I become moody, snappy and end up making snipey comments, along the lines of feeling like his sister/mother/flat mate.

He is tall, dark, handsome, very manly....imo always the man in the room that women would be attracted to. e has a job women seem to find sexy (think fireman). They would have no idea that he might leave them "wanting" in the sex department. I find it torture when I'm ovulating and super horny, and lying in bed next to him....I imagine it would be like being on a strict diet and going to bed with a chocolate eclair

''To give another perspective, I’m in a marriage where there isn’t enough sex and I’m the one doing the rejecting. My sex drive has just disappeared in the past couple of years and I have absolutely no desire to do it. In the past I’ve tried to make an effort for my DH’s sake even if I wasn’t in the mood but things have got worse between us in the past 6 months and I couldn’t pretend anymore. He has now had an affair and said it was down to the constant rejection and depression he felt and that he felt it meant I didn’t love him. So the lack of sex was obviously a dealbreaker for him although he is now desperate to save the marriage because he says he loves me.

I do love him and I can’t explain the lack of desire. I think he’s attractive but I just don’t want to have sex with him or anyone. I really wish I did and absolutely hate feeling this way. I felt so guilty rejecting him but it wore me down to have sex when I really didn’t want to.''

This ladies post, I could have written it myself. I am now 56 and just 'don't feel it' . Combined with finding out about an emotional affair from years ago and secret porn habits, I am now 56 and plainly not that interested. I do try and make an effort every few weeks and I do know my H gets upset about it (even though he has messed up) . In my case I think its partly menopausal stuff and partly resentment that I'm dealing with feeling somewhat betrayed at this stage of life. Then again at what age are we allowed to not be constantly 'up for it' ?? or is it one of those things you should feel till in your 80's etc.!