Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

My advice would be get a job any job and start becoming more independent of him.
Your confidence will soar and you will want to lose the weight. I won't say it but start there and see where you end up

I left my marriage when it became apparent that our sex drives were wildly different and that was not going to change. There were other issues but it was the final straw. Lack of sex and even more so lack of intimacy which it can, and did, foster were the death knell.

My sex drive, it turns out, is higher than my new partners. However I’m not convinced mine isn’t somewhat related to feeling so badly undesirable before, it horrendously damaging my self confidence, and now feeling desirable and really liking that fact. Either way, this relationship is more equal and more naturally intimate even when we’re not having sex.

But how do you all not hate your dhs for being such selfish twats! I know I do I stopped loving him years ago because I couldn't understand why he'd put me through such a horrible time. As countless friends of mine said 'he's got a mouth and two hands' and his complete lack of regard for my needs and desires has killed anything I ever felt for him.

I was in your position 10 years ago OP. I still remember the feeling of total rejection and of crying myself to sleep most nights as he slept with his back to me and ignored me.

The only way that this will be resolved is if he's as committed to making this work as you are, but from what you've said this isn't the case. He's acting as if it doesn't affect him, and only pays lip service to your concerns just to keep you from bringing it up for a while.

This is no way to live and you deserve someone who values you and your feelings. He doesn't.

Working on the job situation. Have been for interviews recently but not got a job (yet.) I am gutted I no longer have a professional career.

Have read out a load of these replies to him. Not sure why really as don't mean to twist it in but a need to feel validated rather than just another "oh it will be alright. "

What I think will happen is tomorrow I will wake up. Put a brave face on and just keep on carrying on for the kids. I wish there was an easy way.

I think im trying to get him to realise my desires are normal rather than some unreasonable desire to leave the relationship.

I wish I could turn back time. Sulk.

Ager I don't think he isn't committed. He does so much practically for us. Like tons. I just don't think he gets it :( I don't know if after 10 years I can make him get it.

He just ends up feeling inferior for me asking for something of him he can't deliver on. I think.
He just doesn't get what a big thing it is.

is he on any medication that causes low libido?

But yes the rejection sucks. I have parents that are so far from maternal/paternal I've already got rejection issues.

So somehow, as I don't want to leave.

Get a job.
Build self esteem whilst being with someone who won't sleep with me.
Focus on the positives.
Focus on the kids.
Somehow deal with emotional eating.
Find time to use a vibrator/read chick lit... or maybe that just increases desire and the answer is not to and to try to suppress it.

Find some other way to deal with the loneliness and emotions?!

God knows how to deal with him. Carry on coparenting as friends I guess.

I don't feel I've been fair. He does more than me in our relationship and I feel I've just thrown this at him (again) this evening and it's not much he can do about. I wish he'd just say he has a low drive rather than a real doible-talk of "I do fancy you, I do want sex with you." When he blatently doesnt. I think he wants to have the drive, sort of wants to want to.

I feel such an evil ogre when he's kind of happy as things are and it's me upsetting the marriage.

Thankyou all so much for hearing me rant :(

No medication blue bell. Life's been pretty tough for us though.

OK. he's either asexual or his libido is so low due to medical issues that he never ever feels the urge for sex now that he done his duty of procreation.

So now you say to him "I realise that sex is distasteful to you. You surely realise how hurtful this has been to me, since you presented yourself to me for marriage that you were a hetero male. Anyway I still have needs, and since sex is unimportant to you, you won't mind that I'm getting them met by someone else. The only question is whether you want to hear the details or you'd prefer to use euphemisms like "I'm off to bridge club"

If he wants to hear the details then there's some fetish going on there and you could use that to reignite a spark (even if it's at 45 degrees from what you imagined)

If he doesn't then you are dealing with someone with no sexual drive toward you whatever. Treat him kindly and respectfully, but get your sexual needs met elsewhere.

You are so young. I was a bit older than you when this happened to me OH quite a bit older. I have cried an ocean of tears I ranted, raged, it took me ten years or so to come to terms with it. If I had known then what I know now and had the courage I would have got out...............

I read articles about great sex for the middle aged empty nesters and roll my eyes. The lack of cuddles, etc. is awful. On Christmas Day I spontaneously hugged him because my xmas present was just what I wanted. He flinched. I was mortified.

I once asked him what if I found comfort somewhere else would he mind? He said he would divorce me in an instant. He has stopped making jokes about women to his mates in front of me. He is worried I might spill the beans so to speak. He would not see a doctor at the time. He tried viagra, nope gave him a headache.

There really is no cure if they do not have the will to be helped.

I'm like a stuck record on these threads but I think sexual relationships can run their course and so either think about an open relationship or consider that the marriage will end. There comes a point when the logistics and disruption of separating are less awful than another year of misery. I'm sorry, it is hard. I hope I'm wrong and you can work through it. Everyone deserves intimacy and affection. Without it we die from the inside out.

"Die from the jnside out. " insert tear smiley.

Oh and forget about being overweight, I suspect you could be physically perfect, it would not make a difference.

You do die from the inside out Stick, tearing up myself here.

Overweight certainly isn't the issue with us. I wasn't when he met me and it just hasn't got better.

I just mean I terms of going it alone I've not got great prospects. And the thought of starting again. I don't always feel this low about the relationship, just on days I've tried to initiate sex! I think the weights tied into self esteem/rejection issues though.

I have crap family, have moved a lot and don't have many friends really and a cold marriage. I feel really alone. (Ha, hence asking mumsnet for advice!)

Yep. Die from the inside out is how it feels

I feel.like a toddler having a tantrum though. I just don't want it to be like this. I want it to be different. I want to manage to cope with this somehow.

Same boat here
I don’t know if he finds me repulsive or if he is cheating on me with someone else

If you can, my advice would be to have as much non sexual contact as possible. I expect the issue has become a battle ground. If you can really turn your head off the sex part and work on the affection part - you may find that in time this will lead on to something else. Try to get back to totally non threatening touching. A hand on a shoulder when returning to a chair, making sure you kiss on the cheek a goodbye etc. Sit together on the sofa - all little things that disappear with time but mean such a lot. But if it doesn't improve - seek professional help - on your own at first, possibly without even mentioning it to him. a counsellor at this stage may be able to help you without your husband getting het up and cagey about it.

I'm sorry to hear that posh. Has it always been that way?
Mine isn't cheating and apparently doesn't fund me repulsive. Just doesn't seem to have normal urges. Or if he does they're so far repressed.

I know I would leave

Reading all these posts makes me smile wryly when you think you cannot open any newspaper or magazine without reading of a straying husband or on this forum for that matter. When the truth of it is there are a lot of men who are just not behaving in this way. I sometimes think they just swap one mother for another sigh...

Sadie - the lack of sex is only talked about every few months when I bring it up as an issue. I'm not even mentioning sex or suggesting it as I've got so past believing there's even a point. I get what youre aaying but non sexual contact is the normd just doesnt lewd to anything in his brain.

Professional help is 40-50£ a week which we currently don't have. (In debt due to his business mismanagement). I can see it would be cheaper than divorce...But currently we're counting every penny. (Literally with a budget app.)

You could ask him to ‘open the marriage up’ find a FWB arrangement.

Lily - I'm stuck - there's nothing else wrong with the relationship and the alternative would be currently worse (completely on my own, benefits, no real future.) We parent together well. I thi k it's easier to say leave when not in the situation (and always what is advise people in this situation pre kids . It's complicated after.)

Welsh. So many difficult relationships though. One could end up in a shit hit sexual relationship but not a great father or good around the house etc

My partner is so committted to us as a family he really does do tons around the house, with the children etc. All the other areas are fine.