Staying in a sexless marriage

[StickStickStickStick]

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

I feel so bloody stuck.

Just been really horrible to him. He loves me in his own way and does so much practically for me and for the family it just isn't married love. He thinks it's fine. I don't. I feel I'm hurting him when it isn't his fault he just isn't wired sexually. He's do anything for me/his family.... except sex.

No point shooting myself in the foot and splitting up just because of a failed sex attempt but it stirs up all the emotions.

I need to suppress them and plod along for another 6 months into the next time. Maybe there's libido suppressants. Who knows.

What is he like otherwise? Is he emotionally intimate?

MTB. No no porn. He really doesn't get aroused. God knows what it is. Maybe it's emotional issues suppressing his drive. I think he just doesn't really have one.

I think I need to accept it won't change. I go through this cycle very 6 months or so hoping it will change/accepting it won't.

He's an amazing partner in every other way it really isn't worth throwing a relationship and breaking up a family over but I hate how I'm feeling about it all. I wish I could just deal with it.

Are you me? Am offering a virtual hug. Am still trying to convince dh this is a deal breaker for me. We have no dc yet, early 40s yet he maintains he loves me. I'm unsure if he's asexual, gay or has aspergers (shows many aspie mannerisms). It's tough isn't it? We've had no proper intimacy for two years, he only seems to get urges every few years (!) it totally destroys me and yes I'm overweight too. It does help to talk about it, I lost my temper many times with him and got nowhere. Now I'm starting to get dh to come to terms with we either go back to intimacy or I will leave him. I do believe his medication doesn't help. He's started to hold me occasionally in bed which is a step up. You really shouldn't put your life on hold op, I have done and it's unfair. Both parties need to be happy. I hope you can get your happiness back try to discuss this calmly, I know it's difficult as your emotions can be so raw x

Oh considering don't do it. I wish Id left before I became this entangled (kids.)

I'm not feeling calm. I think me initiating sex and it going nowhere and him just carrying like nothing's the problem or even like he wants to take it anywhere has really wound me up. And talking about it on this thread. I hate how I feel.

I've said well this isn't actually a marriage is it - I can't remain sexless from 40 onwards. We're going end up split up when youngest is 18. He's just shocked and hurt and upset.

I feel like either option is awful. I don't want to fall out of love with the man I've spent 15 years with and brought up 2 kids with. But a sexless future looks so bleak too.

Was he brought up Christian as well by any chance?

Yes but not strictly like I was - more liberal. He didn't have a girlfriend til late 20s and I was first he slept with. He just didn't see the need apparently. But he wanted a wife and family life like others had.

Unlike evo Christians I knew at uni who were so desperate to have sex they married young!

Oh right only my dh was brought up strictly Christian, no sex outside of marriage and all that, and we're in the same boat but at 35. Only have sex to conceive really.

Oh Pist im sorry to hear that - i was in that world a long time and can completely imagine. It was all the talks on how wonderful it would be once married and working on it together in a committed relationship that meant I didn't question it early on myself.

I think he needs some aphrodisiac.

Seriously bluebell? That's your answer to painful chronic marriage problems that are affecting the OPs self esteem and happiness, and have been for years? How helpful

I was blunter than you. I had enough one day and said look do you mind if I find someone else to have sex with as you evidently don't want to.

It did work for us but his wasn't a arousal issue more a priortising issue and that made him see that our relationship needed to be a bit further up the list.

Do you have other forms of affection still cuddles and kisses etc?

Would he consider you going elsewhere an option? Would you?

I don't see anything bad about it TemporaryNameChange13.
there are foods like that like oysters, etc.

they tried everything else and they want to save their marriage. you try anything- reasonable of course.

I suggested to DH a few weeks ago, in apparent jest, that we could have a more open marriage. He was deeply hurt.

I would have thought he would have taken the hint. I just checked his phone- no hint of porn.

My DH has a medical condition whereby he has no sperm but we told his testerone was normal. I’m wondering if this has affected his libido.

I read crappy chick lit fanfic books online as my fantasy which I realise is bloody pathetic!

Yeah because oysters will work where even viagra failed in my case I can't understand why someone would be willing to stay for the sake of a house, kids I understand. I have absolutely no idea how I'll manage financially but to be honest I don't care. My need to be held and wanted and desired far outweighs nice curtains - just as long as my kids are safe, warm and fed first.

It needs more than an aphrodisiac.

He's said he just doesn't know what to and get anxious he will get it wrong. There's elements of that but I don't think the drive is there to push through. He is really hurt at my talk of thinking this isn't at all normal for me to put up with/ending the marriage. And just apologises he's "useless."

He's genuinely upset. He doesn't want the marriage over and thinks it will magically just get better. I've been blunt and said normal relationships have sex and intimacy and me just calming down and suppressing it for another 6 months and then having the same discussions all over again after failed sex isn't how I want to live. I even said I was surprised he didn't want to end the marriage and find someone hes more compatible with . He's genuinely shocked at the thought.

I think he's just happy with a sexless marriage and I'm not :(

Ultimately i want a sexually intimate marriage and wont ever have it with my husband. I do t really want to look elsewhere who answer above. I really want an intimate marriage. It just sucks really. Although I'm worried I'm going to keep hurting him and lashing out at him for something he can't give.

Lots of single people don't have intimate marriages - lots of people have unhappoy marriages. It really can't be worth ending a marriage and breaking up a family over - especially as practically I doubt I'd fijnd anyone else and I do love him in his own way.

I'm pouring it all out to people on the internet, I know that won't solve anything but it really isn't what you talk about in real life. I'm beginning to feel I've failed at everything in life.

I'm sorry I'm waffling. I'm sad others are in or have been in similar positions but I am glad it's not just me if that makes sense.

It does make me feel very undesirable.

stick it’s not just sex though, it’s intimacy.

In a way your predicament is harder as things are otherwise okay. Do you laugh together; talk?!

I too say horrid things to dh out of utter despair, such as I will meet someone else....and bonk their brains out to make up for lost time. I thoroughly don't recommend being cruel but playing devil's advocate by mentioning that others may "fancy you more" may make him think. Counselling is a probably a more sensible route. Plus starting with hand holding, building up slowly.

The I'm useless is just a way of turning it round so your the bad person and he is victim. If he was so bothered by that why has he not tried to fix it.

You haven’t failed!! It’s not your fault. It’s not his fault. I really feel for you, could you try and be honest with him? Lay it on the line type stuff?

you haven't failed in anything. it is hard.
in your position people either end it or continue with a sexless marriage.
you are trying to solve it. if it was someone else they would leave. but you love him that is good.
can you go to a holiday, only to of you?

2 not to.