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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying in a sexless marriage

217 replies

StickStickStickStick · 11/02/2018 19:12

I'd really love to hear from others who are managing to stay in a sexless relationship.

Advice on here is often to leave and that's not at all practical in our situation (low income, I've lost my career, etc etc.) We coparent fine and get on okay.

I'm really finding lack of intimacy hard. Tonight, after months, I tried to initiate and remembered why I don't bother. It's soul destroying .

I bumble along okay for a few months and then have a period of feeling so frustrated at the situation. It's so horrible. I assume he just has such a low drive it doesn't bother him if we "start something and it fizzles off and he goes back to doing what he was but leaves me feeling so frustrated. And then the bigger frustration that I even ended up in a marriage like this.

I know in can work if both partner have a low drive. But I really don't. I need to suppress it really. I have single friends who would love to be in a relationship and I do try to feel grateful for the fact I have a partner, and the kids.

But I was on so stupid getting into this in the first place.

Anyone else feeling the same? Is a rich fantasy solo fun the way forwards or does that just build resentment?

I'm so bloody envious of functional couples but I guess every relationship has it's story and every family it's difficulties.

OP posts:
LemonadeWithACherry · 12/02/2018 16:01

This thread is so close to home. I don't feel like talking about my situation at the moment but it mirrors that of so many of you. So sad that we're all in this lose-lose situation Sad

Sayhellogoodbye · 12/02/2018 16:15

Stick and Rhelili

You are both wasting your time. This isn’t going to change. Believe me! They will talk about it until the cows come home but won’t do anything.

As for viagra etc...won’t work if he hasn’t got the desire for you! This is the problem for both of you. They do not desire you.

Don’t waste your lives

GothMummy · 12/02/2018 16:50

So many of us in this situation. I'm wondering if it just means in my case that the marriage is dead. Its a very lonely situation to be in.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 12/02/2018 17:13

Don't think for a minute , ladies , that you are going to lose your desire with menopause. You may do but there are things that can help . I'm on HRT and keener than mustard ! I think a change of partner also definitely helps Wink

TheSnootiestFox · 12/02/2018 18:52

You've cheered me up, bloody Smile I'm so dreading getting to 50 and then losing all desire! Especially as it's taken me an age to get to grips with leaving Confused

HelenaDove · 12/02/2018 19:01

"Does your weight bother him, have you asked him if he finds you less attractive since gaining weight?"

Unfortunately im not surprised that this question has STILL been asked on this thread despite the fact that many women have posted that the weight gain came AFTER the rejection.

Because its womens job to remain decorative and fuckable at all times even when the men dont want to fuck them.

middleage3 · 12/02/2018 19:26

Hi
I will put my hand up - no sex for 8 years. Can’t see it happening anytime soon neither ........
I work in quite a challenging job
I have hobbies
My youngest DC is 11
I have a ‘rabbit’
I have fantasies about a man at work (nowt ever likely to happen - but it’s a nice thought and quite comforting in my imagination at times)

There’s a bit more to my situation in that DH almost certainly has ASD
I echo what a PP said about no interaction outwith managing the DC and DH never really wants to do or is enthusiastic about anything.

I have accepted this (mostly) and cope using the above .
My advice also would be get independent and start living your own life and accept what’s never gonna change

welshmist · 12/02/2018 19:30

Six pages of posts, still waiting to hear from a partner who has had a happy ending to this problem.

middleage3 · 12/02/2018 19:30

PS I am a size 8 - so any of you beating yourselves up over gaining weight can stop it.

Getoffthetableplease · 12/02/2018 19:37

Is there anything else going on? Our relationship was very similar but it actually turned out dh was totally addicted to porn and had no need for me in order to feel satisfied. Not that he admitted this for the first 9 years though. I honestly would never have guessed he had the time/space to even be watching often but he obviously found it! It might feel frustrating to talk to him if he is uncomfortable to open up, but I think you just need to keep trying. Either he needs to sort out his own issues or maybe you do need to face that you're incompatible, but either way he's going to need to talk.

HelenaDove · 12/02/2018 19:38

welshmist with each subsequent post of yours your H is emerging as abusive.

There is definately control there.............wanting you to get down to a size 6 and the "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" attitude.

Married3Children · 12/02/2018 20:21

Six pages of posts, still waiting to hear from a partner who has had a happy ending to this problem.

Maybe because the reason for no sex when there was some before has nothing to do with sex or weight etc..
Maybe it’s because it’s coming from deep relationship issues that are going unaddressed (I would include communication issues in there).
Whether it’s a man or a woman who isnt keen on sex, I suspect there are some psychological reasons behind it (when you know there aren’t any physical one such as hormones, illness, birth etc...)

middleaged can I ask, why are you still with your H?
I know why I am (I want time to recover from illness wo having the stres and pressure of a divorce and finances).
I have no idea why H is still with me - after all he is the one who is ‘deprived’.

Interestingly, I would H is also in the spectrum and for a long time, I felt guilty of leaving him in part because of that and also because he genuinely still hasn’t ‘got’ what isn’t going on. Not helped by a total lack of communication (as in he really doesn’t talk at all about anything personal or emotional).
Not anymore.

YY about having hobbies and a life outside the home, one that is full and fulfilling.
I have been thinking of a rabbit. I probably need to invest. Wink

FitLikeQuine79 · 12/02/2018 20:24

So many similarities with my situation although like other PPs it’s me that doesn’t want sex with my DH. Not that he seems terribly bothered by it and doesn’t instigate it either. We’ve had sex about four times in the last five years. We’re still relatively young (in our thirties) so feels too young to resign ourselves to a sexless marriage. I just can’t see how we get back to having an intimate relationship as I don’t desire him anymore; when he kisses me I turn my head so he gets my cheek and not my lips. We are like flatmates rather than husband and wife. We have two young children so not easy to call it a day.

Unlikely2be · 12/02/2018 20:29

Getoffthetable.

Mine too. Addicted to porn and then prostitures and then sex clubs.

Never assume that a man with a normal testosterone levels will not be getting his kicks some other way. You think they don’t have the time, but that’s a big mistake to make!

iMatter · 12/02/2018 20:47

As someone else up thread posted "he has two hands and a mouth" so even if he can't maintain an erection he can at least make an effort.

I hope you can work this out op.

Sounds like he's got used to playing the downtrodden failure and can't be bothered to make sure you are even vaguely satisfied even if he is incapable of intercourse.

middleage3 · 12/02/2018 20:50

Married3children
Smile
I am still with DH as;

  • DCs still at school and need me for the emotional support that DH can’t provide especially during teenage years
  • middle DC is going through tough time at school and is being referred for ASD assessment
  • DH like OP is good around the house and does cooking /shopping and appears to be oblivious to me doing my own thing a lot of the time . So I have a lot of freedom
-DH has no insight. Can’t help who he is and states he is happy in his own little world
  • I am scared witless of leaving. I tried before some years ago and DH went into full tantrum/ verbal assault mode which I couldn’t cope with at the time and still would struggle with
  • I have been with DH for over 20years and I am scared of change and have little faith life would be better on ‘the other side’ . I live like a single person now

Apologies- but it’s been quite therapeutic to write that downBlush

I’ll stick to the pet rabbit and daydream about the bloke from work who is totally oblivious and I would probably die and run a mile if he said anything. I think I have forgotten how to actually do sex Grin

I too would sign up for ‘shite marriages are us’ forum

Huntinginthedark · 12/02/2018 20:59

I have a happy ending.
I left.
It is totally symptomatic if deeper routed issues. Intimacy is a huge part of any loving relationship. Mine was dead and empty, only fear kept us together

I know so many people that say they make a good team for the kids etc etc
What the fuck happens when those kids have left home.
Is that the only point that some people start living for themselves.

GothMummy · 12/02/2018 21:39

The thought of what happens when the DCs leave home is terrifying.

unweavedrainbow · 12/02/2018 21:51

Just a point that people don't often think about.
My marriage is often quite sexless. That's because I was sexually abused as a very young child and for me sex can often bring up memories and feelings that I'm not in a position to cope with. I love my husband more than life itself and I know he can find the rejection hard, but the flashbacks are so frightening. He does know but it's still difficult.
I suspect that a least some marriages are sexless due to reasons similar to mine. Childhood abuse can be very difficult to bring up so maybe some partners don't know.

Iflyaway · 12/02/2018 21:57

I'm 48, and terrified that I will hit menopause in 3 years, and lose my libido.

Well, I'm 62 and haven't lost mine. (and not on HRT as mentioned by a previous poster).

But that's beside the point. I really feel for you all and hope you can resolve the situation, whatever it takes.

ConfusedWomanInHerForties · 12/02/2018 23:36

Iflyaway that is so comforting to hear!

I offered to sleep in the spare room tonight, as my DH has a very early start, and I want to listen to YouTube in bed. No arguments from him. Quele Surprise. This morning I woke up with my head on his chest and he moaned about finding it uncomfortable. For fucking fucks sake.

It would be nice to have a long running thread here about this, wouldn't it? Like the Stately Homes thread that just keeps going?

Summerberriesatdawn · 12/02/2018 23:53

How old are you dc op?
Apologies if I missed it

Wintertime4 · 13/02/2018 00:00

Take charge!

Honestly. Take the reins. However, don’t think of having sex. Off the menu. Start just being more intimate, friendly, flirty. Fun. Enjoy something as simple as a brief hug. Compliment him sometimes. Give him a quick kiss on his hand. Tickle him.

Just no sex. That has to come from him, when he’s ready.

Even tell him outright. That you don’t expect sex at the moment. But you just want to feel a little closer.

No pressure on him. Build it up. Worth trying!

HelenaDove · 13/02/2018 00:10

Winter with respect i suspect most of the women on this thread have tried all that and more.

Wintertime4 · 13/02/2018 00:16

I think it’s very hard to be intimate though if you really want sex / feel insecure / feel resentful. It comes loaded with emotion and with pressure.

I’m not putting anyone down! I’m sure most people have tried. Yet it’s worth trying again- and really taking off the expectations. Just reconnecting slowly.

If that is rejected. If it’s completely cold. After a while. Then what’s the point in staying?