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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Transitioning from affair to main relationship

269 replies

niteandfog · 11/02/2018 13:31

Has anybody done it? How did you make it work? That's about it :)

OP posts:
brewsandbooks · 12/02/2018 09:24

Can you answer me this...

What is so special about this relationship that
1 you couldn't wait till you divorced
2 is worth disrupting your DC and having your DD worry more about your happiness than her own
3 worth losing your closest friends over?

It makes no sense to me

Historicallyinaccurate · 12/02/2018 09:25

You're right. As long as cheats continue to justify their scummy, selfish behaviour because they're 'in lurve', you won't be the last. Just because your last relationship was abusive it doesn't mean you behave like a cowardly b* in someone else's. (You married for a visa. Are you surprised it wasn't the relationship of the century?)

Stressedaboutthis · 12/02/2018 09:26

OP I have seen you on some other threads and I don't think your new relationship is going to last because clearly you are one wave short of a shipwreck.

Tattie bye.

Original poster
niteandfog · 12/02/2018 09:44

My relationship was beyond dead and didn't think about it at all.. in fact my ex was always very surprised about how I cared more about the other marriage than ours. My daughter doesn't have to worry about my own happiness, she only remarked how everything seemed better after I moved out.

OP posts:
Tablesturned · 12/02/2018 09:50

Did you take your daughter with you when you moved out?

MrPan · 12/02/2018 09:50

There does seem to be fairly rigid belief systems happening in the Rel section, and if you don't subscribe to them all then bad things will happen. The 'mistress creating a vacancy' is just one.

Original poster
niteandfog · 12/02/2018 09:54

It's split custody soon she spends 3 days with me some weeks and 4 others

OP posts:
user187656748 · 12/02/2018 09:55

The 'mistress becoming a wife and creating a vacancy' line is crap. Like it or not there are numerous marriages which won't last and the fact that sometimes the right person comes along and pushes someone to end an unhappy marriage does not then mean that a string of affairs will follow.

But clearly there are others who do have multiple affairs.

Each situation and each person is different.

WitchesHatRim · 12/02/2018 12:31

My side, well my family and friends who aren't local have been very welcoming of the whole thing. My mom is even grateful

Well each to the own. What a strange reaction.

Not sure my DM would be grateful that I was having sex with a married man and helping tear their family a part.

user187656748 · 12/02/2018 13:19

Presumably the DM is grateful because of the visa issue...

Original poster
niteandfog · 12/02/2018 13:31

No, my mom is grateful that thanks to my AP I finally divorced my ex

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 12/02/2018 13:42

GrinGrin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/02/2018 13:42

No, my mom is grateful that thanks to my AP I finally divorced my ex

No concern for the fact you helped break up another family then?

DotCottonDotCom · 12/02/2018 13:43

Your such an ignorant fucker, posting in a forum section littered with threads from those struggling to deal with affairs and infidelity.

PoorYorick · 12/02/2018 13:44

Your such an ignorant fucker, posting in a forum section littered with threads from those struggling to deal with affairs and infidelity.

I think she knows exactly what she's doing.

midnightmisssuki · 12/02/2018 13:53

OP - what did you want from this thread? Im confused - you seem happy enough with what's happened so far, so i dont understand why/what you are posting about?

yeahforfriday · 12/02/2018 14:25

Ok, so giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are that naive, there are certain things that you need to understand.

Regardless of what society thinks of you, it is you that has to live this new life.

In reality this is the lead on from an affair. You will never have a relationship that is just the two of you or even the two of you and the kids. You think that you have him to yourself but you are seriously deluded. You are looking at ears of him leaving you on your own or having to drop plans he made with you as there is an issue with his child, or parents evening etc.

You have signed up for a life of still coming last because his child and by default his first wife will still be able to demand his time (because quite rightly his childs needs will come first).

Once the anger and initial shock is over, she will get stronger and move on but will still have the power to ruin your plans and will feel justified in doing so and the more you complain about it to your new man, the more he will see you as the complaining woman who doesn't understand the pressures he is under.....

I am not saying it won't work between you as I don't know you and couldn't be bothered to look at your other threads but in answer to your OP - if children are involved, which they clearly are then you are never truly going to be just a couple, his ex will always play a part in your life, eventually things may calm down and you may all be able to move past it but you are all going to be connected now for as long as you are together.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2018 14:41

It's Assia Wevill reincarnated! That didn't end well.

Original poster
niteandfog · 12/02/2018 16:24

Yah, I know that in many, many ways the hardest part is yet to come. And we both have children, so in that way we're both very aware that we'll never be just a childless couple that's dating. And my ex hates his guts too but that's expected

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 12/02/2018 16:33

I really do not understand what you thought you were going to get posting this?? From your previous posts, all you have got is negativity.....and rightly so. You only comment on other posts that are regarding affairs and the OW - mostly to support the OW.

I still don't think you are genuine, I think you are extremely attention seeking and love getting other mumsnetters worked up.

There's no way someone who has been so ridiculed would keep coming on here asking for advice when they know they aren't going to get it.

I'm sure you will be back with another (or several) more posts in the future either stating that everything is wonderful and we were all wrong.....or it all falls to pieces and you will be looking for some sort of sympathy. Either way, I haven't fallen for your posts op.....

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/02/2018 17:51

Your affair partner's wife is or was ill, right? And he has no idea that you have major mental health issues?

OnionKnight · 12/02/2018 17:53

I hope that it blows up in your face.

Evenbetter · 12/02/2018 19:03

ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit [sic]
Gets a full house on the mistress bingo!
‘Not everything is black and white!’
‘You can’t help who you fall in love with!’

Nah love, when it comes to cheating, it’s very very black and white, you leave your spouse/boyfriend BEFORE starting a relationship with someone else. Anything else is total scumbaggery, no justification for it.

Surely you choose to conduct yourself in a manner that means you can control who you fall in love with, like, if you spend time and resources on a person and end up developing love hormones for them, you’ve chosen to orchestrate that. Or do you find yourself falling in love with random blokes in the shop or at a bus stop because it’s something you can’t control?

Fireandflames666 · 12/02/2018 19:18

"Gets a full house on the mistress bingo!
‘Not everything is black and white!’
‘You can’t help who you fall in love with!’

Nah love, when it comes to cheating, it’s very very black and white, you leave your spouse/boyfriend BEFORE starting a relationship with someone else. Anything else is total scumbaggery, no justification for it.

Surely you choose to conduct yourself in a manner that means you can control who you fall in love with, like, if you spend time and resources on a person and end up developing love hormones for them, you’ve chosen to orchestrate that. Or do you find yourself falling in love with random blokes in the shop or at a bus stop because it’s something you can’t control"

This time and time again. If you're too cowardly to say you're not happy then you're a disgusting person really.

FrancisCrawford · 12/02/2018 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.