Transitioning from affair to main relationship

[niteandfog]

Has anybody done it? How did you make it work? That's about it :)

francis yes 6 months is a very long time in OP book considering she's met the love of her life and destroyed 2 families within 4 months. I reckon 6 months leaves him a decent amount of time to fill the mistress vacancy too

I know 5 couples whose parter had an affair and left their marriage for the other person. In every case that person is now single and has no DC and are in their 40's, nearly 50's. The partner they cheated on, in every scenario, has gone on to remarry, have DC and is happier. One of my best friend's wife dumped him for someone and he went on to marry someone drop dead gorgeous, 10 years younger than him and she is now a good friend of mine. He is not bitter at all because he was the one who came off better. My SIL dumped her DH and he is now married with 3 DC and has very poor privacy settings on his FB. SIL (single, no DC in mid 40's) often gets upset at his pictures when she stalks him on Facebook. She also dumped her pets when she left and her ex has lovely professional photos of his beautiful family and pets uploaded for everyone to see.

Please don't think that all affairs end up happily ever after because they really don't. When I think of the people I know who were abused by the very people that made vows to take care of them it reminds me that there is some karma in the world.

So you've been shagging one of the dads from school whilst his wife was ill ? (Have I got that right ??).

I think you're in denial OP. Your attitude stinks and whilst I think some affairs end happily (due to the state of the previous marriage and not just out looking for fun from OM/OW) your cavalier stance doesn't sit right.

So you've been shagging one of the dads from school whilst his wife was ill

Exactly
Piece of work this one. She’s worried about everyone knowing?

Have fun on the school run for the next few years while everyone looks at you like a piece of shit.

Of course you don’t care what anyone thinks, as long as yourve got your new man fresh out of cheating on his sick wife .

A friend at secondary school's mum had an affair with another kids dad (who then left the girls mum). Your kids are younger so hopefully this wont happen, but the other girl was eventually perminantly excluded for bullying and attacking my friend. Nothing to do with either of them what their parents did. Very sad.

This woman is clearly a wind up merchant. Why are you entertaining her?

In getting more and more worried about op MH issues.
I'm sure there was another thread on here last night asking whether the wife deserved to know.
I can't find it now.
Op your threads are full of contradictions, I'd otherwise say utter BS, but I'm trying to be bice.
I'm not sure I believe any of your stories, you are so strange.
If you have both left your partners where are you both living, what have your children been told so far?
Your story changed more than most people change their underwear. Is any of this actually true?
Aren't you the one who got pregnant and married so you wouldn't be deported?

I've never posted before under this username because I knew i'd get flamed for telling the truth about my relationship. I'm a longtime user of Mumsnet. So for those of you who questioned me there is your answer.

When I said my husband gets what he needs now I wasn't just referring to sex like you all assumed. Attention, affection, interest in his work/life/day, intimacy of any kind. The list goes on. He wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. I believe everyone has their soul mate and it took me a while longer than most to find him.

So you can call me whatever you wish. It won't change how I feel about my DH. I trust him, after all, I also had an affair with him as my ex hadn't 'left' by then!

His children, and my children have adjusted brilliantly to the change in life. His DD was my Bridesmaid, his son his Best Man. All I was saying was that it can happen and turn out better for everyone in the long run! Not everything in life is black and white. We need a bit of technicolour now and then.

We need a bit of technicolour now and then

I don’t think the betrayed feel that way

We need a bit of technicolour now and then.

Watch Gone With The Wind then. Filmed in glorious Technicolor that was. Or go and watch Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Credit to you for openly posting OP. Knowing the type of threads which exist on this board. I can see you clearly have no shame.

That said, no-one should stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage. I wish you both well but it will not be easy.

He wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. I believe everyone has their soul mate and it took me a while longer than most to find him.
But why not just leave Happi? That’s something I just can’t get. If you really truly meet someone and think ‘yep, this is the person I’m supposed to spend my life with’ you’re unhappy anyway, then why not leave give it sometime to sort out house/kids whatever, let your ex begin to heal and then start your new relationship?
Like I said before what’s a few months or even a year, if you’re going to spend the rest of your life together?

My grandad was engaged to someone else when he met my grandma. He’d said not more than a few sentences to her, but says he feel in love and just knew she was the one. So he ended his engagement and he waited until his ex had moved on. By that time my grandma was dating someone so he kept quite. More than 18 months after he first met her, they were both finally single and he asked her out! They’ve been married 50 years. That to me is true love, not sneaking around, edging your bets, playing it safe while you decide who you want.
That’s why I could never be the other women for even a day. I know my worth and I’m worth more than that!

Happiwifey How did it turn out for your soulmate's wife?

When I said my husband gets what he needs now I wasn't just referring to sex like you all assumed. Attention, affection, interest in his work/life/day, intimacy of any kind. The list goes on. He wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. I believe everyone has their soul mate and it took me a while longer than most to find him.

None of this is at all relevant.

Nobody judges people splitting and moving on. Nobody judges folk who divorce. Nobody judges you making a mistake in who you marry/have a relationship with.

People judge affairs, and quite rightly. Because NOBODY needs to have an affair. Nobody. There is always, always the option of being decent - of splitting up with your partner and sorting it all out (especially if there are children involved) before you get together with someone else.

The feeling towards people who choose (yes, it is always choose) to have affairs doesn't just come from the disgust at the deceit and the lies and the breaking of vows, you know. It also comes from the fact that to have an affair, you also have to be a coward. A coward who isn't sure that what they think they might have with the new sqeeze is the real thing - so they hedge their bets. They don't have the guts to say, my existing relationship isn't right, so I will leave it, if I feel like this about another person.

No, they won't jump ship until they've sampled the goods potentially on offer elsewhere, and checked that the other person is going to jump too - or, they might be left with no relationship at all. Absolutely crappy attitude to life and love.

So there you go, Happiwifey - not comfortable reading, I'm sure - but, well.

Maybe I should share my story on here....

I was with my ex 7 years, 2 dcs together. Throughout the 7 years he cheated, lied, had secret phones, registered himself on sex websites looking for discreet sex (fabswingers)....the list goes on

I was so ready to be out of that relationship, I was desperate. All I wanted to do was join a dating site lol. Just to get some attention. Some to chat too, someone to tell me I'm was pretty (even if they didn't mean it) I stared looking after myself better, lost weight, not for his benefit but mine. Made myself financially stable as I could for myself and dcs.....by this point the ex started making more of an effort with me. He knew something was up....I didn't care, I couldn't wait to get me and dcs a new life....I ended it.

A few days later I joined a dating site (ex had moved his stuff out but was desperate to reconcile) and actually got chatting to someone I liked. The ex found out and went mad, he was gutted. Did I care? Yeah I did but he treated me like shit for years and the difference was....I ENDED MY RELATIONSHIP FIRST. If I would of secretly joined a dating site while he was still with me, I would of been as bad as him. I wasn't prepared to start hiding my phone, changing the passcode on it etc...there was no way I was going to let myself get down to his level.

But even then, I still felt bad for my ex even though he was a massive twat. I'm married now and expecting dc3, the ex still finds the fact I've moved on hard. I did what was right for him as well as me. End it, then do what the hell you want.

It's women like you, who really piss me off. Don't give a shit, how much you've torn the wife's life apart. But your happy that's the main thing

Happiwifey...I am still waiting to hear how well this worked out for your soulmates wife? Is she as "happi" as you two were? I am just interested. Further, you say you're a regular Mumsnetter but also that you have name changed for this..why? If you're so secure in what you did and it was all OK, why would you name change? Is it because you don't want people to judge you for what you are?

From my perspective of being up against a "happiwifey", our lives were utterly destroyed and we're still dealing with the aftermath years later, for me, divorce has been the gift that keeps on fucking giving....how on earth I am still dealing with this as the cheated on party is beyond me...it really is...I did fuck all wrong but am going to lose my home, be forced to relocate to somewhere without the support of my family/friends, and I am STILL expected to just smile and nod at the OW and exh while they fuck me over with maintenance and laugh in my face. People who do this are hateful, evil bastards. I have an SEN child, you live my life while you're so "happi". Urgh.

divorce has been the gift that keeps on fucking giving....how on earth I am still dealing with this as the cheated on party is beyond me...it really is...I did fuck all wrong but am going to lose my home, be forced to relocate to somewhere without the support of my family/friends, and I am STILL expected to just smile and nod at the OW and exh while they fuck me over with maintenance and laugh in my face. People who do this are hateful, evil bastards

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time, MrsC. If you'll forgive me asking, however, can I ask if it would have been different if your ExH hadn't had an affair and just left? I just think so much of that pain such as the house move, relocation etc sounds like it's divorce, not the fact another woman was involved.

Oh fuck off Snow. You don't know the circumstances, go find my threads. I am nearly 5 years on from this, I have a SEN child, I have been in and out of court ALL of that time. In the meantime, I've had to deal with the fucking cunt of an OW who makes false reports to the police, instructs solicitors, instructs my ex-h, controls everything. If you're trying to make yourself feel better about something, I am the wrong person to ask. Why my life has been fucked up to the extent it has for the whims of others is beyond me. This the the other side of divorce. All the "happi's" of this world can conveniently ignore the impact on the previous family.

Um. I'm not and never have been an OW. Not especially in need of making myself feel good about anything in this area. Although I think you've probably provided a good counter to FizzyGreenWater's claim that no one judges anyone for ending a relationship and moving on and it's the affair they judge. You clearly resent your ex for ending your marriage full stop.

No real agenda on my part in making this post. Just an observation.

To answer your question, his ex joined match.com 2 weeks later and met the man she now lives with. She agrees it was the eye opener she needed to realise how unhappy they had been for so long.

I didn't leave beforehand because I couldn't do. Financially and mentally I wasn't in the position to do so. My now DH gave me the push I needed to let go of my abusive relationship and move on.

You are all entitled to your opinions as I am. It may not be the best way to end and start a relationship but it's happened now and everyone is in a much better place.

Resent my ex for ending this marraige. Um, no. I resent my ex for fucking somebody under my eyeballs, I resent the fact that that woman then talked him out of supporting me while our 2 year old autistic son was undergoing assessment, I resent the fact that she persuaded him that we "deserved nothing" and had to "prove his love his love for her" while leaving us in the utter shit. I resent the fact that he told her I had forced him into having a baby. I resent the fact that he withheld the fact that he raped he. I resent the fact that I gave up everything for this utter prick but that the children and I continue to pay and pay and pay for his shit decisions that have impacted on us in ways you wouldn't even comprehend. So, thank you for your observations.

So sorry MrsC, that's a bloody awful way to be treated by your exh and what a coward to be controlled by the OW. People who have affairs are so utterly selfish, as the op and others have just demonstrated..