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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 128: the one without a catchy title

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 11/02/2018 11:15

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
MinnieMul · 21/02/2018 14:06

Thanks Vistaverde I was in a long distance relationship for a few years which means I think I rely on Whatsapp too much. I was just out of the habit of it when this guy went away and now he's back I am constantly overthinking everything again. I think the 8 hour time difference made it easier not to overthink. I was trying so hard not to over invest too...

Keep us updated with Mr South Africa.

NewYear2019 · 21/02/2018 15:28

Oh lost very exciting! So you'll see him again when you get back? It sounds like I need to invest in some nice pyjamas Smile. In response to your question on stopping old and messaging others etc I had a brief chat with my iron and few weeks ago and he happily removed his profile and so did I. Although we're not an item I found it quite disconcerting to think he was still chatting to others.

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2018 15:53

Feeling rubbish about the whole dating thing today, not sure if it’s my hormones, stress at work or I’m just losing the will to live Grin.

I go on POF, look through profiles, everyone either looks like they are ready to murder someone (that evil look on their face), they are surrounded by young children or they have a cigarette in their mouth. No one looks normal and friendly, they all look pretty scary tbh. I rarely come across a profile where I think ‘oh he looks nice and friendly’ it’s got to the point where I think ‘he’s not too bad, maybe he will do’ when infact he won’t do at all. Almost all the people I have met on POF have turned out to be someone completely different, married, mentally ill or too full on, why can’t I find someone who is just looking to start a relationship (slowly) but also enjoys having a laugh and great sex? Grin.

I don’t think I will be going on a date this weekend, the clock is ticking and I’m getting nowhere. Maybe I should take a break for a few weeks and go back to it in hope someone new appears?

Kinunir · 21/02/2018 15:56

Based on what Love says above, I'm wondering, what makes a man's profile interesting to the women on this thread?

Asking as I may well be creating a new one for myself tonight...

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2018 16:03

Kin first of all I’m drawn to a photo, though at the moment I look at anyone’s profile if they are loacal (desperate measures). I’m drawn to a face that has a smile, just a head shot but I like to see a full body shot maybe doing an activity as a 2nd photo. I’m drawn to funny profiles, I do read them but I think some people don’t bother as much. For me it’s important to find someone with similar interests, someone that doesn’t look like they sit watching Netflix all weekend. I don’t like profiles that start with ‘I have 2 amazing children which are my world and always come first’, I’m gone in a shot, I don’t want to hear how amazing your kids are or what a great father you are, I want to know about you.

I think a short description of you, what you like doing in your spare time and a joke thrown in is plenty, keep it short and sweet.

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2018 16:05

And I’m always re writing my profile, I’m not really sure what men are looking for, obviously I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, I’m a bit quirky, very active and I don’t want to date anyone with small children. I’m not going to lie on my profile, I just want to get across who I am Smile.

Pogmella · 21/02/2018 16:07

Yeah kin kind eyes and something funny. Nothing negative (don't bother if you're crazy etc)
Clear pics. Not gym pics. If you want to show me your fabulous body put some holiday/sporting pics in.

Kinunir · 21/02/2018 16:11

Hmmm... interesting about the kids - as a single father I'd always given that a mention as some may find it strange/off-putting that a late-40s guy has two (almost) adults at home all the time.

I know what you mean about the rewrites Love - last time I was on POF it tweaked mine at least once a fortnight, from funny to sensible through crazy, though I preferred to think of it as split-testing.

Oh to have a fabulous photo-worthy body Pog Envy

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2018 16:19

It’s ok to mention kids but I find the whole ‘my kids are my world’ a bit off putting, of course our kids are are world, I would be worried if they were not. I mention having 2 teens and then say I’m looking for someone in a similar position with older children or no children (just because I don’t want to date someone with very young children). I also find bragging off putting, bragging about where you have been, owning your own home, cuddling a tiger etc..., that makes me feel like I won’t be good enough because I haven’t travelled much or done anything really amazing.

Mumfun · 21/02/2018 17:03

Love also losing the will to live on OLD with very keen then disappearing irons . And several scammers . And someone I was talking to that seemed promising and now seems like a scammer. Urghhh Does not feel good. :(

VetOnCall · 21/02/2018 17:11

I hate the 'my kids are my world' thing too. What do you want, a medal? I tend to avoid men who already have kids as I had a bad experience with this last year, and I'm still living in the (probably vain) hope that I'll meet someone in time to have one of my own.

Other than that I look for at least one clear, smiley close up photo and then a few more active ones. I always read the profiles - active, intelligent, interesting, upbeat and funny is the gold standard, but depressingly rare. Any hint of bitterness, sexism (or any -ism), laddishness or just being really dull and uninteresting is an instant no, as is really poor spelling and grammar.

A lot of it is horses for courses though - I travel a lot (as in extended backpacking type trips) so I tend to look for people who have done the same as it's something that's still massively important to me.

Love I'm feeling really down about it all today too. The chances of stumbling across anyone suitable and vaguely normal who I find attractive AND who feels the same way about me just seems ridiculously remote.

Pog thank you x Fwiw I think that if seeing Mr FWB makes you feel good then keep doing it, but if the angst starts to outweigh the good then stop.

I've always been a bit sceptical about Bumble, we've had the discussion on here before. In my area it seems to be mostly populated by the love children of David Gandy and the Milk Tray Man and I think most of the profiles are fake. I've had a lot of matches and a fair few conversations but precisely zero actual dates - Mr Douchebag Disappearing Act from yesterday was from Bumble so that may also tell you something! I'm pretty much giving up on it now.

NewYear2019 · 21/02/2018 17:14

Kin when I was on Match I was contacted by quite a few guys with nice profiles so maybe I've had a different experience to others on here Smile I'm quite laid back about number of photos. I liked a couple of paragraphs describing who they are, some interests etc. I like someone intelligent and articulate and they were easy to identify. I was happy to see they had children, read books, but fussed about gym etc. Had some dreams and ambitions and came across as kind and decent. The guy I'm seeing was all those things, hence I removed my profile! I'm SW London outskirts and there was a good choice Grin

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2018 17:18

I feel a break coming on Sad, I keep going back to POF each night in hope someone amazing has signed up only to find the same old faces. I get messages from people but they seem keen at first and then slowly disappear. I have been doing this for so long that I don’t have much hope in finding anyone remotely normal and I’m beginning to not find anyone atractive. I get a lot of messages from older men that look older than they say they are, I’m 36, happy to date older but as long as they don’t look like they are 50.

Today is the first day I have gone all day without a text message or a POF message from anyone.

Kinunir · 21/02/2018 17:26

New Match was terrible for me - loads of messages I couldn't read, I signed up and then... no messages!!! Only about 12 women within a sensible distance too and I'm E. London Confused

Thanks for the tips everyone, especially about photos. I'd used some that may have made me look a bit arrogant before so I'll rethink those as that is something I hope I'm not.

ignoringthechoc · 21/02/2018 17:47

The young one that was messaging me had on his profile ' if people get too chummy I like to call them by the wrong name just so they know I don't really care about them' and I have a slightly warped sense of humour so that made me reply :) Never met up as he is too young but got my attention.
What I am trying in a roundabout way to say is just be yourself in your profile Kin as I think that's the best way to attract people who will like the real you.
Shame some people are having a low day, it can get stressful and depressing sometimes, try and stay positive, I get myself lost in a good book for a few days if I need a break from it all then it doesn't seem as important when I log back in as I have distanced myself a bit.

CoverMeLads · 21/02/2018 17:48

I have to admit, I hope by the end of next week I’ve got a RH sitch (my money’s on MrMoves) as I’ve done another search today and the pickins are slim (unlike me).
A mate recognised one guy I was chatting to as she’d seen him twice a few years ago. I’m not chatting to him any more Confused

Kin I’ll be honest; the very first thing I look at (if the photo makes me want to, so put that tablet down and exit the bathroom Wink) is height. Then I’ll look and see if they want slim/athletic women (I’m neither) and what age they’re looking for. If they’re 55 and looking for 25-40 I will judge them. I will judge them hard.
If I fit the bill then I’ll read the profile.
Funny wins, always.
If you do set one up then ping any of us that are happy to look at it a DM/PM and we’ll critique, if you want that.

Love I think men are as bad as women at lying about their age. I see some photos and am like “man, you either smoke 40 a day or you have had a seiously hard life”. I mean saying they’re 47, looking 67. It’s bad.

RoseNarene · 21/02/2018 17:49

Kin probably echoing what others have said but I look for fun profiles that set out exactly what a guy is looking for - so I can discount myself immediately if things clash! No point me going for men who are looking for a travel partner when there's no way I could join them. Like Vet said, I absolutely hate poor spelling / grammar but then I'm an English teacher! As for pictures, those low angle selfies are horrendous so avoid those. I like smiley, happy pictures that show the guy having fun and not just posing. One pose photo is ok but when a guy has literally nothing else I kinda assume he's vain or doesn't have any friends or ever go out anywhere 😆

And "my kids are my world" - oh fuck off.

Kinunir · 21/02/2018 17:51

Cover I may well ping a profile over, thanks... just don't judge me for liking my women older Blush

Now... where's my tablet? I have a newly installed bathroom to show off Grin

CoverMeLads · 21/02/2018 17:53

Oh and just had one guy mansplain a word, so I told him (truthfully) I’d written a paper on the subject; I just didn’t see how it fit his context. So he had to play top trumps with his education and mansplain some more. Knobend.

RoseNarene · 21/02/2018 17:54

Love I took an OLD break for several weeks and it was quite refreshing actually!! I've gone back on now and nothing has changed but I think it did me good to get away from it for a while. I've since deleted Tinder and Bumble and sticking to POF; I have eHarmony for a couple more months and that has been a TOTAL waste of money. I get NOTHING on there AT ALL. They say they have such a sophisticated matching system and then I got matched up with a bloke whose profile was simply about looking for sex and I had to report it. Really, eHarmony? Really??

Pogmella · 21/02/2018 17:54

Cover OMG yes about age! "33 years old" Well what the fuck happened in those 33 years, son?! You're 40 if you're a day...

CoverMeLads · 21/02/2018 17:58

Kin well you’re bucking a trend in the 40s category that’s for sure Wink

All my photos are headshots (not obvious selfies) so I guess I really should get a full body of me in doing my favourite activities: pointing at shiny sports cars going “ooooOOOOOooooo”, pointing at Robert Smith going “oooooOOOOOOooooo”, staggering around stately homes in spike heels and sitting in a gastropub with a wine glass the size of a bucket.

pudding21 · 21/02/2018 18:00

Just spoke to architect again, he seems a bit stressed am freakin' out its me and my slightly suggestively texts. Didn't ask him for dinner either! Bright ideas anyone?

Leave it?
Text asking of he has time for dinner?
Leave it?

Jesus. I don't remember it being like this first time round in the 90s!! I was so cool back then 😂

Kinunir · 21/02/2018 18:05

pudding she who dares...wins. she who doesn't...regrets.

NewYear2019 · 21/02/2018 18:13

pudding if he seems stressed I'd leave it until hes finished your job and then ask him for dinner.