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Original poster

Dating Thread 128: the one without a catchy title

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 11/02/2018 11:15

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 20/02/2018 11:40

MissCatt Yes what you say...

This is me too " It's a bloody competition. And I hate that. I wish I could do the same but if I meet a guy I like, I tend to want to see how that goes. Anyway, it's so rare to find a guy I like, it's not much of a problem haha. Maybe I need to lower my standards too? I rarely fancy anyone I see on OLD."

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 20/02/2018 11:41

kin It shouldn't be so hard so early on .

Pavonia · 20/02/2018 11:42

Kin it really does sound as if she's keeping you at arms length. In some ways you don't really know her yet.

I wonder what she has told her daughter about you. Can't really see the problem with you going in the house. Obviously it's up to her to decide when she is ready to introduce you. Maybe that's another conversation you should have.

Does she come back to yours?

What is it that makes you like her so much?

Vistaverde · 20/02/2018 11:43

Kin This sounds like a very difficult situation. Does she give any indication of wanting to be more intimate or that she likes you as more than a friend?

pudding21 · 20/02/2018 11:46

kin well a physically abusive (and will have been emotionally abusive too no doubt) and two partners that have cheated have clearly left her with issues. Has she had counselling? I guess you need to decide if this is enough for you, and whether you have the patience to unpick it to get you in a place you can be both be happy.

I will say, I was in a emotionally abusive relationship for 21 years, and it has affected how I proceed with dating in the future. So much so that I don't really want a serious relationship, and if people show me they are too keen, I run. I am too scared of opening myself up fully fro the wrong person. Vulnerability is scary. I do however need the physical side of things, but perhaps she finds it very difficult to seperate the two.

You sound really kind, and a good guy. If she opened up to you at the weekend, then maybe more is to come.

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:46

Kin Ahhh, layers, you see. Hmm that's tough. Tough for her obviously, but also tough for you to know if you want to invest further in a woman who's clearly very affected by her past - emotionally and sexually, it would seem. It's no help to you, but understandable that her defences are up. She can't get hurt again by acting the way she is... Has she ever had counselling?

Pavonia · 20/02/2018 11:47

Kin just caught up on your most recent posts.

Maybe you should focus on getting to know her better and make it plain that you won't push her re the sexual side of things. She may be worried that inviting you to her house would be misconstrued.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:48

Pav She's been to mine a couple of times and met both my DC (they live with me) and I have met her daughter a couple of times so she knows I exist.

Everything about her - she's easy to talk to, hours fly by like seconds when we are together, I fancy her like crazy, we have the same view of the world, etc.

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 11:51

My date from last date has just texted to ask where we go from here - I will gently say nowhere.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:52

Vista She says she wants to be more intimate, has said she has a wild and crazy sex drive but this is all stuff to "explore in the future" Confused

pudding Strangely, she is very, very open with me and I have no doubts when she says she has told me a whole load of things that no-one else in the world knows about but.. that's the only kind of 'intimacy' I have with her.

Catt She hasn't had counselling as far as I am aware.

Pav my kids live at home all the time so they would be here unless I'd planned ahead and, despite what I say on this thread, I am not a pushy man in any way, shape or form.

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:59

Kin I suppose that leaves you stuck between hoping you're the guy who can 'change' her mind about waiting 2 years for sex (which may not happen), or walking away.

Sounds like she might benefit from decent counselling after going through what she has. It takes work though, and things often get worse before they get better. But without dealing with stuff, being stuck in 'safe mode' isn't really living.

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 12:04

Kin - you really do not come across as a pushy man in any way - quite the opposite. Thankfully I have not been in an abusive relationship but both my fairly long marriages (20 and 16 years) have ended because of infidelity so I know what it feels like. But I try very hard not to bring them into other relationships. Has she intimated how far in the future it will be? If you do not know how she would feel, discuss the possibility with her. You need to lay your cards on the table and let her know the impact of her behavior on you.

Pavonia · 20/02/2018 12:04

Kin that makes the fact that she thinks she shouldn't invite you in very strange then. Might be an excuse because her house isn't as nice as yours?

Are your views really so similar? She seems to act as though she's living in the past:

  • no sex
  • you can't enter her house because what would people think?
  • you pay for everything

I won't say any more because I don't know her and you do and this is obviously really tough for you. Take your time and don't feel under pressure to make a decision before you are ready.

Pavonia · 20/02/2018 12:09

One more thing having caught up on the posts again - I find it really hard to believe that she has a wild and crazy sex drive in the circumstances. Now I'll shut up.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 12:09

Thanks Val, the only clue I have is she told me over the weekend that she made her last partner wait 2 years - I'm patient but not THAT patient!

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 12:17

Bloody Glad it's not just me thinks the same! I'm losing faith in OLD. It's the sweet shop mentality I dislike. I'd rather meet someone in real life, but most of my friends are in relationships or loved-up, so going out with 'meeting someone' in mind is tricky. I can hardly go and stand in a crowded bar on my own. I think I need to try more activities where it's OK to go alone. In fact, I did at the end of last year, which is where I met Mr MuchYounger haha. He's still up for it... but I'm reluctant as it'll go nowhere long term. He's 15 years younger and I feel a bit like his mother! I feel life is passing me by... alone.

esk1mo · 20/02/2018 12:30

honestly kin i think you are viewing her in a light that she doesnt deserve. do you think you would feel this strongly about her if she slept with you after 2 weeks, and was completely open? it might be the mystery thats making you feel so attached.

there are plenty of open, warm, intelligent women who are single and looking for a man just like you, and although you may have found it difficult previously to meet someone you feel so strongly about, is it really worth settling?

after 4 months she literally hasnt paid for a thing? thats not fair. she might have issues when it comes to intimacy, but i really doubt you will be the one to change her. do you really need a project at this stage in your life? id be having a lot more fun if i were you!

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 12:37

Oh Kin - What is so magical about 2 years? How can you put a timescale on feelings? Sorry perhaps I ought to shut up too - I am frustrated for you so god knows who you feel. If you reluctant to tell her the impact this is having on you, you need to imagine being in exactly the same place as now in 6 months time/12 months time. You have met her DD but not been allowed in - perhaps it is a bit shabby - so next time you drop her off, tell her you are desperate for the loo - another barrier could be let down - who knows.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 12:42

She knows the impact it's having on me Val - I told her over the weekend that I didn't feel that she was even that interested in me, something that provoked a tear - the first sign I've had that she may actually care

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 12:50

At this point, Kin, I think you'd focus her mind if you backed right off and walked away. Chances are she'd come running. I can't really say much more as I hate to see people being used...

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 12:52

esk1mo you're right, I definitely don't need a project and the mystery thing may be a valid point.

I'm not so sure about the plenty of women thing though - where I live on the outskirts of London I'd say around 80% of the OLD profiles are either very negative, blank or downright boring, none of which appeal to me.

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 12:56

Well that is something I suppose Kin. I hope this thread has allowed you to see that there are lots of honest, open, warm ladies out there. I know they are not the one that you want but only you know how long you can hang in there. Have you told her that you really don't think that you can continue with the relationship as it is. You never know, it could shock her into opening up about her issues. I really cannot decide whether she has very serious issues or is using you - I don't know her so cannot judge. I did read an earlier post of yours though about your last weekend away and she said "next time" ........ Good luck with your decision.

Mumfun · 20/02/2018 13:17

Yes Kin good luck with your decision. I would say I don't like that you have paid for everything. I think sharing of all sorts should go on :)

Anyway OLD going badly so decided to go to speed dating with a friend. Should be fun even if nothing comes of it.

Have been chatting to one guy online with a nice profile but he is so slow and reveals so little. Like blood out of a stone. Might have to go over to the dark side :)

VetOnCall · 20/02/2018 13:49

Well I'm off work today and had arranged to meet an iron for a coffee (first meeting). Been talking on WhatsApp quite a lot over the last week, nice bloke, lots in common etc. He messaged me at 11.48 to confirm the place to meet and I replied at 12.15 to say I'd be there at 1 (I'd been driving). And then, in between him receiving that message (blue ticks) and me opening WA again at 12.55 to say I was just parked, he appears to have blocked me! I actually didn't notice at first and sent the message but then realised I can no his photo was gone and the message is sat there with only one grey tick so hasn't been delivered. I've never been blocked before but I'm assuming that's what happens?

Nice eh?!

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 13:53

Vet that sucks! And yep, sounds like he's blocked you. What a twat. Sorry that happened... No doubt his wife wouldn't let him out to play... or some such.