Ladies, when can a man approach you?

[BeerAndHummus]

I mean, what signals do you give to show a guy you want him to approach you? Repeated glances, smile, close proximity...etc? And how to know the difference between "I find you interesting but don't want to talk to you" and "please, come talk to me"?

How do/don't you want to him to approach you?

Do you also find guys' "signs of interest" confusing sometimes?

I misinterpreted signals in the past, and I know many of my friend (males and females) did too.

And no, you’re right... sometimes you go to the pub opposite where she works...

Sex pest. I haven’t pestered anyone. But it reads well and sounds good so you’ll get a lot of high fives for making shit up

Look, we get it... you think you are fine... you aren’t really interested in how your behaviour would make many women feel, as long as you aren’t pinching her arse whenever she walks past you think you’re golden...

Crack on then... you don’t actually have to listen to anything anyone says, but if you want marriage and DC then be aware hanging out in a pub feeding your alcoholism and lusting over inappropriate women inappropriately because you don’t have the balls to be up front is not likely to do you any good.

I haven’t even went as far as asking the woman out never mind pester her for sex. I do find it curious why people choose to just invent a story or make a highly speculative assumption and make it fact on very little basis.

Part of the problem is precisely that you haven’t asked her out...

You’ve just been creepily hanging out with her at work without being honest about why you are doing that.

I’ve probably made it seem to be bigger than it actually is. I do probably have an alcohol problem and go to several pubs. This pub isn’t even my main one so don’t go there that much. And I assume she doesn’t work everyday. Probably see her twice a week tops for a couple of hours.

I was getting ahead of myself because we get on. Certainly not stalking and sex pestering the woman

Perhaps, but again, precisely what many of us are talking about. Men super frequently get way ahead of themselves, read things into situations that aren’t there, ignore boundaries and power dynamics such as her being at work and being paid to be friendly in favour of their own ego, don’t say anything but continue secretly obsessing and then get really sad/irritated/nasty that they have been ‘led on’.

You are a self confessed immature alcoholic. You have latched onto someone who is professionally obliged to be nice to you. You read all sorts of justifications into her politeness, the creepiest of which is you saying that her making polite small talk is PROOF that she cannot possibly be feeling uncomfortable around you. You just wont allow for that possibility, in your head she has "green lighted" you to continue as you are, which IS sexpest thinking!

If she is interested in you, given she is at work, leave it completely up to her to change the boundaries from professional to social.
If she wants to she will.

However, given what you say you want out of life I can’t see that she’d be the right person for that, in the exact same way women of your own age aren’t going to be.

You also need to sort out your drinking etc ASAP in order to meet someone who is right for you as no-one capable of giving you what you want is going to be remotely interested in you while you are hanging out in pubs every day drinking and listing over 20 odd year old barmaids, that’s what 18 year olds do and it’s not particularly attractive at that age...

She would have to be in a pretty vulnerable/low place to go out with you given your current issues, in which case you would be an ass to exploit that vulnerable "window".

Back off and work on yourself.

offred speaks wise words. caucho, you'd do well to swallow your defensiveness and pride, and quietly reread what she's saying. she's trying to help you.

They can 'approach me' whenever or wherever they like as long as they jog on immediately without any type of aggression if im not into it!!
And as long as 'approaching me' doesnt include any disrespectful language or touching me unsolicited in any way.

I think you’re confusing me with OP. I’d never use the term green light. It sounds a bit juvenile even for me. Like I said I haven’t actually done anything. All talk no action. I do see the potential concern for power dynamics etc but do think she actually likes me and doesn’t think I’m a sexy pest. Probably doesn’t fancy me either. She’ll have to go in the friend zone

I think you’re confusing me with OP. I’d never use the term green light

You DID clearly demonstrate the sentiment!

You said that her making small talk with you about whether or not you would be in tonight was proof that she couldnt FEEL creeped out by you.

Thats you thinking she has greenlighted you (by being polite/friendly) to continue with your current behaviour so you dont need to rethink your motivations.

No mixing up posters on my part.

I'd say hello

OP, you are Swiss Tony and I claim my £5

OMFG!!! YES! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Omg forgot Swiss Tony!

Fantastic call and my night :D

Made my night

On phone dicky keypad

I now know why this place is sometimes called a hornets nest but put myself in there so can’t complain. I think I’ve been treated unfairly (naturally) but we are all bunch of strangers in reality and am not going to cry about it. It’s been an experience

I have no issue with the word "ladies". I am a woman and I often use it myself when informally addressing a group of other women. People will get offended at anything!

Re being approached by a stranger, I generally don't want to be.

I definitely don't want to be approached if the contact is intimidating and/or I can't easily get away. It doesn't matter how wonderful you are, if you're blocking my only physical exit, if it's late and there's no else around, if you ask sensitive personal questions (e.g. ones where the answers might make me trackable), if it's dark and/or if you're in a group of laddish looking blokes - no. Just no. I guess there's always a subconscious safety check and if the alarm goes off, nothing else matters.

Blimey, that's a bit grim, having expressed that feeling in words. As a woman, my first thought when chatting to men is to assess if I'm in any danger from them... Only if I feel safe about the environment will I entertain the thought of chatting to them like real people.

Caucho why are you even discussing this with the people on here? Every woman is different just ask her out for a drink.
You have seen each other on many occasions and she talks to you and hugs you so she is clearly comfortable with you at least.

I would also suggest

Say to her when you're chatting, would you like to go out for a drink some time

If she says yes, great
If she says no, say no worries, change subject, never mention it again, do not stop being friendly with her if you really are friends

So many men pretend to be friends with you when you're young but once they find out you don't want to fuck them they aren't interested any more. It's incredibly soul destroying, to realise that you have been treating them like a genuine equal nice friend for ages and they've just been seeing you as a walking vagina with some tits. Really depressing. It happened to me multiple times in close succession with some really good friends (so I thought) when I was about 24 and it really soured things, I was never really confident that men who were friendly with me actually liked me at all after that.

So if you can't take a no casually, smile and mean it, and not let it change anything, then don't ask.

I mean don't change the way you behave,

Will it change how you feel, if she says no? Will you still go over and chat with her and all of that?

If not, then don't ask.

I mean if it will then don't ask.

If you think that her saying no will mean you stop by less, then I would say, you don't actually see her as a friend at all just a potential fuck.