Ladies, when can a man approach you?

[BeerAndHummus]

I mean, what signals do you give to show a guy you want him to approach you? Repeated glances, smile, close proximity...etc? And how to know the difference between "I find you interesting but don't want to talk to you" and "please, come talk to me"?

How do/don't you want to him to approach you?

Do you also find guys' "signs of interest" confusing sometimes?

I misinterpreted signals in the past, and I know many of my friend (males and females) did too.

Whether she is interested or not is pretty immaterial... this is NOT a basis for initiating a relationship...

I spend all my time in the pub. I am probably an alcoholic but do it to be social mainly otherwise I’ll be sat on my own in the house. I never drink at home

How do you not understand that this is really creepy?!

Also, you are an alcoholic who spends all of their time in the pub and lacks the ability to speak to women?!?!

FFS... you are the epitome of CF...

I have the ability to talk to women. I’m not good at chatting up women

But you don’t.

Why on earth do you think I am talking about ‘chatting up’ women?

You are hanging around in her workplace in your every minute of spare time covering up your inappropriate interest...

Do you know what it is like to have to deal with men behaving like this?

You don’t want to be vulnerable by actually saying ‘want to date?’ so you just hang around pretending to be friendly and being a creepy stalker...

I have a similar issue - I like the look of a man who goes to my local coffee shop.

I'm 41 & I would guess he's 30s - 40s.

We've smiled at each other & I would like to just say hello as a next step and see what happens.

I don't want to annoy him though.

Maybe I will say hello if he looks at me as I walk past his table. If he doesnt look up I won't do it.
Or say hello if we're both waiting for coffee at the till.

I definitely won't be deliberately walking up to his table to say hello as that's too scary for him & personally I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I spend all my time in the pub. I am probably an alcoholic but do it to be social mainly otherwise I’ll be sat on my own in the house.

There are loads of ways of being social without spending all day in a pub.

If a man wanted to approach me at a coffee shop or a pub then a simple smile, hello & how are you is tolerable.

If I liked the look of the man I would take that cue to smile & start a conversation.
If not then it would be a curt 'fine', then I would look away or even put my music on to show disinterest.

The barmaid situation is a difficult one as she is basically paid to be friendly.
Maybe she is just tactile to most people.

The only way to know for sure would be to offer her your number but then she may feel pressured to accept as you're a regular.

If she accepts but never messages, or doesn't accept it at all then that's life, find another local or suck it up & stay friendly but not too friendly.

I asked my dp out.

He said yes the rest is history.
He was polite and didn't try to touch me or make any lewd comments for quite some time, I liked that.

The trouble a lot of women have is that we have been abused in the past for politely telling someone we are not interested.

Thank you! But please, dump your emotional baggage somewhere else, preferably on the ones who actually mistreated you

Like the kinda men who lash out at women if they get an answer they dont like?
Yeah I dont think we're missing the mark here

I teach psychology at university and address my female students as 'ladies' sometimes (Some of them are a similar age as me). Never been slapped or challenged though.

So, enlighten us, please as to why this is inappropriate.

Be.cause.women.dont.like.it.
If that is not a good enough reason for you then theres your answer really: you ARE the kinda creep that makes "ladies" creepy.

But most women don’t chat up men and see it as their job to do. Happens all the time. Man has to to the approach. Man has to pay for the meal and if you go Dutch it’s a red flag and he’s a tight meanarse

Frankly caucho, that is bullshit. On what basis do you think that is true?

Well, it was true in the 50s when women still commonly had to give up work when they married....

But it is 2018 and I have NEVER met a woman who espouses those beliefs...

If you have I would suggest it is because you hold those beliefs and are therefore meeting the minority of women who still hold them.

Either way, if you want give and take and negotiation re showing interest and to set out being equal financially then date women who feel similarly...

Chasing a much younger, much poorer barmaid in the pub where you spend all of your time is not going to result in an equal or freely negotiated relationship.

OP is this some kind of understanding wimmin psychology project of yours? How could you be so ill equipped to even have to ask about appropriate social interactions? And why would one of your students slap you when they are there to further their educations? They probably just talk about you between themselves at break time.
Caucho, I implore you to take the advice you've had here. Don't make a fool of yourself. Maybe the woman doing her job squeezes your hand as she feels sorry for you? After all, she's stuck behind the bar as it pays her a wage, whereas you spend your days there as you're a self confessed alcoholic. Trying it on with her is only going to make the situation even more pitiful.

Well I propositioned DH and being that I earnt more than him at the time it made no sense for him to always pay otherwise I would never have been able to chose naice restaurants. So.

She definitely so an older personality though and is far more mature than I am. It’s my main attraction although shes pretty as well

Well yeah.
Shes sober behind the bar, and you're propping it up drunk
Her mental capacity will be superior to yours at that point yes.

I think I can confidently say that if you are picking women who are comparatively lacking in power and expecting equality then that is why you are not finding it.

Pick women who are more of an equal match and work on your own issues re alcoholism and emotional intelligence/vulnerability...

In reality the likelihood that you are aiming at this barmaid because she has less power and is therefore less likely to see your drinking and other issues as a barrier to a relationship is high...

But like many men you are quite keen to blame your issues on women as a group.

Why would a woman who was your equal consider the things you say you want (LTR, marriage, kids) with a man who is an alcoholic, has vulnerability/communication issues and is knocking on 40?

Make yourself into a person that better matches with what you say you want. Stop thinking it is a problem with women.

The amount of aggressive defensiveness expressed by some down here makes you want to jump in a ditch and cock your gun.

Well, that reaction didn't take long to appear...

Nasty loud wimmin wanting to defend themselves.
Probably all fat and ugly and noone would want you anyway..
Right?

P.s. when I said ladies I meant the pretty ones who dont make a fuss, not you lot

What an amusing thread.

Women are all different same as men, we are people, that's kind of the point.

Men seem to have no trouble understanding when / or not to get chatting with another man.

I like the idea that "approaching women "apaprently after all the responses has nothing to do with sex and anyway OP is married so why on earth looking for pointers around approaching women?

FYI

I have never wanted to be approached by men in situations outside bar / pub / club type situations. In fact I hated it and wanted them to fuck off and sometimes said as much. IME being approached by strangers on street, train, bus whatever never ends well.

In bar / pub / club when I was single there would be eye contact and lots of smiling and then I'd probably come and talk to you. So not much room for misunderstanding I'd have thought.

I hate being "pursued" though and prefer to pick for myself so I suppose my approach is the more "masculine" although I doubt I'm unusual in this. I don't want randoms talking to me really, only men I fancy, and if I fancy them, i will make it pretty clear.

Also why do men think being polite means you fancy them? It's boring. Also men you are friends with and then they try to shove their tongues down your throat, what's that all about? It's like for most men you are always female first, not person. Women are far more able to see men they know as people I think rather than sex objects.