Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Other woman

244 replies

Lucky6266 · 08/02/2018 19:12

Please don't judge me but I'm involved with a man who has a wife and kids abroad.
Wife and kids know about us and gave given blessing as it's allowed in thier culture. We all talk on Skype. My guy says he loves me alot.
He is very committed to his family sends money to them etc but also appears committed to me. Am I doing wrong pls.
I know I'm probably gonna be slated.

OP posts:
parklives · 09/02/2018 10:33

Op get over yourself.
I've no idea why you posted this thread, if you know Mumsnet, then you know what response you are going to get.
It's up to you and your own morality as to whether you want to stay in this relationship.
I'm not judging, who knows what's going on.
I personally wouldn't touch a man like that in those circumstances, but again, it's up to you what you do.

SoleBizzz · 09/02/2018 10:47

He is using you. Surely you're not this desparate? Get out of this. He is incapable of considering his Wife and children's feelings. You are being fooled. He is a liar.

1forAll74 · 09/02/2018 10:49

I hope that everything goes well for you Lucky, although perhaps you shouldn't have asked for comments on here re your situation, as it could be an emotive issue with lots of people.

I guess that you will just have to wait and see if all goes well in your relationship in this unusual situation, as there seems to be a lot of stuff going on in all families.

SoleBizzz · 09/02/2018 10:49

A married man is not free to be woth you. But i guess you will learn the hard way. My goodness you will suffer. See a therapist and build yourself up from the gutter. You deserve so much more than this vile user.

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2018 11:23

OP your type of story has been heard 1000 times here. Married man playing around, side chick lands on Mumsnet desperate to get a reaction as she's hurting, scared of talking to him in case he leaves, knows there's no future so is dying inside. If you could talk it out with your man you wouldn't be here. When all said and done you're both cheating. You may as well go talk to your man. Nobody here knows you and will forget you and your story soon enough. Until the next one comes along.

Zebra31 · 09/02/2018 11:56

If he loved you then you would be his wife / girlfriend /DP and his wife would be his ex.

Do you even consider the effect your “relationship” is having on his poor wife and children?

Whether or not you like it currently you are the bit on the side his knocking off whilst his away from home. I bet you £1 that if he was to move and decided to live back in his country of origin he would not be taking you with him. He would drop you like a ton of bricks.

Wake up Op you really need to think about working on your self esteem and meet someone that can be with you. Not just use you whilst his away from home. I really do feel sorry for you.

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 09/02/2018 12:26

Really I don't know what to think because his wife doesn't appear bothered by any of it. Only time will tell.
Anyway let the thread die out now because nothing more to be gained.

OP posts:
Zebra31 · 09/02/2018 12:30

Have you considered she may be too afraid to say anything else or voice her despair?

Zebra31 · 09/02/2018 12:31

Or maybe you just don’t care.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2018 12:41

Islam is very clear on the topic of extra-marital affairs, and considers it as one of the major sins
So how is it part of the culture???
Islam respects women and cheating is an absolute NO NO so he's taking crap.
Basically, he's a cheat.
He will do the same to you.
He has a tonne of baggage.
Why would you want to be part of that?
If you were my DD I would be up in arms as well.
I'd want the best for you.
A nice LOYAL man, who wants to marry you and have kids with you.
Not THIS!!!!
Listen to your mum.
She wants what is best for you.
This is NOT best for you.
It's great for him though.

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 09/02/2018 12:45

Hells I hear u

OP posts:
EllenRipley · 09/02/2018 12:51

Ok, I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you've seen sense, but here's a constructive opinion:

If you're happy to settle for a partner who, for cultural or religious reasons (Angry), can have his cake and eat it, then go ahead! But don't expect a monogamous relationship or any respect on down the line because I suspect these same rules will be applied to you at some point. Personally, I'd run a mile from that kind of male mindset. Just because it's his 'culture' doesn't make him any less immoral than any other chump who thinks he's special enough or entitled to have a wife & family in one country and a girlfriend in another. I just don't buy it. His wife may we'll be happy because a) she's better off without him or b) she's living a subservient existence in a culture that frowns on divorce but really, it's him you need to look at, not her apparent endorsement. You could well end up in a situation that eventually makes you miserable and prevents you questioning what's actually right.

Lalimerente · 09/02/2018 13:29

As the daughter of an expatriate serial womaniser I will just tell you my bit and leave it there. My dad has a lovely wife and kids from
His second marriage in a lovely home in a European country. They are are you would say from a different culture although I would not say that she or they are indifferent to his galavanting but they are at least polite about it because for financial reasons they have No choice

My dad has at the same time has lived as an expatriate in asia. I went to meet him there and met the local woman who he was temporarily shaqqued up with. Mainly because he needs sex and adoration and an ego boost most days of the week. It was really sad because he had no remorse the n telling me that she was an ugly desperate woman who was in love with him and would get dumped promptedlly when no longer required. He also constantly made fun of her looks and stupidity in public in a language she could not understand. I had a row with him in a restaurant about this with get in attendance. He was so rude and she clearly had no idea because he kept spending money on clothes and presents for her to keep her sweet. He basically called her a diseased whore and a human detritus.

I flew back home and never spoke to my dad again. Apparently he has no idea why !!!!

I am just worried for you op, that
Like this poor lady you are being taken for a massive ride.... I cannot face my step family to this day either to be honest.

Yet he is this charming pillar of the community who everyone Loves and respects... He makes me sick to my stomach 😡

Good luck op. It s never pleasant to be at the end of a scammer, especially a wealthy one. I hope you find peace and a man who is worthy of you one day

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 09/02/2018 14:24

U seem nice lali.
That is bloody awful but despite the fact my guy may have done some wrong I don't believe for a moment he is like your dad.

OP posts:
Charismam · 09/02/2018 17:35

I know it's not about shagging lucky but i think it is about 'resonance' on yr part.
My parents just werent that in to me so i went for men who just werent that in to me. Anybody who wanted to commit to me turned me off or stifled me.

Love can spring from a place of feeling a familiar dynamic (from childhood neglect or ambivalent parenting).

Gemini69 · 09/02/2018 17:42

why did you ask people on Mumsnet if you are dong wrong ? Hmm

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 09/02/2018 18:18

Explain this charismam

OP posts:
Youngmystery · 09/02/2018 19:15

OK since you want an opinion and clearly want a slating here goes.

You're a cheap easy target for a guy who wants sex and companionship while he is away from his wife and kids. His wife says she is happy with it probably because he has her under his thumb or maybe is abusive to her so she stays out of it out of fear. But probably still cries herself to sleep every night knowing he is with another woman. His kids will be hating their dad is away with another woman as well, and being away from them at all. You are there for one use only, and once he wants to go back home, he'll drop you instantly and go scuttling back off home to his family.

You happy now?

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 09/02/2018 19:29

Nobody can be certain do I take everything said with a pinch of salt.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 09/02/2018 19:36

What do you want him for though?

If it was no strings sex and everyone was genuinely happy then that’s fine, but you say it’s not sex.

If it’s just for the sheer joy of his company that’s great for now but are you storing up future pain for yourself?

If it’s for marriage and kids that’s impossible - he will never truly or completely be yours.

I couldn’t do this, because of the lack of future in it, but it doesn’t matter how I feel about it - what do you want?

Charismam · 09/02/2018 22:01

Lucky read mr unavailable and the fall back girl. Xx

Historicallyinaccurate · 09/02/2018 22:47

And I think it's evil for somebody to wish misery on a person and end with a laugh Whiska but then again that's the sort of people we get on mumsnet lately.

And I think it's infinitely more evil to have a relationship with a married man just because his wife and kids are overseas. Which is what you are doing. I note you didn't actually reply to my q about how you actually find this to be okay. So, bearing that in mind, I don't really care what you think about me hoping a person involved in a morally reprehensible relationship has the same happen to them. If it's good enough for his wife, why isn't it good enough for you?

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 09/02/2018 23:06

So she was essentially expected to marry this man, bear his children, stay where she was told, do all this with no help, put up with him working away, put up with him fucking someone else, not do it herself because OMG a woman!!! And you think he's a catch and it's all OK because 'his culture'. Is she stuck somewhere where her doing the exact same as him would have horrifying consequences for her?

^ This is why we need feminism.

RedForFilth · 10/02/2018 10:11

Oh come on it's not all about shagging.
This is the problem isn't it everybody thinks sex sex sex that's all it is in these circumstances
Doesnt anybody here think it's possible to actually be in love.
So you don't have sex then? In Islam you're not allowed sex before marriage you know.

I'd really question why she's encouraging him to stay with you. It basically says she's happier on her own with the kids than with him being there which should tell you all you need to know.

He'll be expecting you to just accept him "falling in love" with the next woman too btw.

Original poster
Lucky6266 · 10/02/2018 10:35

So I carry on with the relationship based on my interaction with her and his family and I don't sense any resentment.
This is why I am still with him.

OP posts: