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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i think he stalked me online

153 replies

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:43

I have a tumblr account that I have used for many years. It probably dates back to around 5 years ago. There are things on there about an eating disorder I had, a bad relationship, issues I have with my father... I found it helped me to get it out there. None of my pictures are on there or any identifying information and I have probably less than 30 followers and these are people I don't know and I don't interact with them.

When I met my boyfriend he went on my iPad and saw the tumblr app and asked what it was. I explained and told him I didn't want him to read it as it was an outlet for me and it was personal, (plus I hadn't really used it as much for the six months leading up to meeting him). From that moment on he became obsessed with finding out what the URL for my blog was. I didn't want him to read it as I didn't feel comfortable with it, but on the other hand, it held a lot of memories for me and I didn't want to just delete it. So I changed the URL.

He got onto my iPad when I was in the shower about 8 months into our relationship. I can only assume he read the majority, or all, of my posts on there.

Shortly after this I was beginning to feel my old eating disorder tendencies creep back in / have bad thoughts about starving myself. This scared me and I began to use my tumblr again. Sometimes I would write vague posts about the ED, sometimes I'd reblog pictures of things I thought were nice or cool. It was an outlet and it helped.

I started to get strange anonymous messages on my blog. Things like "would you ever cheat on your partner", "will you post naked photos of yourself", "I am your secret admirer", "I saw you in town today you looked hot" and "I want sex with you". I ignored these messages but they did give me the creeps.

Then one day someone started following me and I received a message from that blog saying "Hi, my name is Ben and I love your blog. How are you?". I replied to say "Thanks and I'm fine thanks, you?" I then got this really strange message back asking for my number and if he could take me on a date sometime.

I don't know how but it just clicked that this person wasn't a stranger and I knew deep in my stomach that my boyfriend was behind it.

I messaged him saying I was getting strange messages on tumblr asking me for naked photos and that I had contacted tumblr staff. He replied and didn't seem to bothered until I said that tumblr staff had confirmed that the person's IP address indicated it was someone who was in the same town as us and that I was scared and going to contact the police. (none of that was true, I just said it to see if he'd confess).

He broke down and confessed it was him, all of the anonymous messages were him and the Ben guy was him too. He said he didn't want to lose me and he only did it because I wasn't giving him access to my blog and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things.

Since this I feel repulsed by him, I try to smile and act like everything is okay but I just can't, his touch makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be around him.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it?? Should I even try forgiving him??

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 08/02/2018 17:45

Why have you not binned this creep yet?

Battleax · 08/02/2018 17:46

Seriously? LTB (of course).

littleorange · 08/02/2018 17:46

No your reaction is correct

He is a sneaky controlling liar

You dragged the truth out of him

Find someone who can be honest and allow your to have parts of your life not overseen by them

Battleax · 08/02/2018 17:46

Maybe stop blogging about your innermost thoughts too.

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:46

what does LTB mean? sorry.

and he makes out like its my fault and i should have shared my blog with him in the first place and i shouldnt be ashamed of my past. is he right?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/02/2018 17:47

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He makes your skin crawl; you are uncomfortable. It won't work. Cut your losses Thanks

VioletCharlotte · 08/02/2018 17:48

He's a controlling arsehole with no respect for your privacy. Get rid.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 17:49

Ditch the creepy fucker.

Not one bit of that is acceptable.

He's a massively abusive cunt, with the potential to be very very dangerous.

DriggleDraggle · 08/02/2018 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 17:52

No he's not right.
Nothing he has done is alright.

Look up "gaslighting"

Also look up the fact that vulnerable women (ie those who have had an eating disorder) are a classic target for abusive men.

Leave....carefully.

And please look into the Freedom Program....it helped me understand a lot.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 08/02/2018 17:53

LTB= Leave The Bastard

middleclasstwat · 08/02/2018 17:54

LTB means Leave The Bastard

AngelsSins · 08/02/2018 17:56

He's a controlling, jealous creep. Why would you want to be with someone so manipulative?

JesterA · 08/02/2018 17:58

As a writer I find this revolting and so exposing. I leave my journals all around the house knowing my partner would never pick one up (except to put them back on the book shelf where they belong), if you can't trust him with your most guarded place, then you can't trust him at all. LTB just be as safe as you can about it as he sounds a little unstable. Good luck to you

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 17:59

He's a creep and doesn't respect you or your privacy. He tried to trick you and has shown he is capable of a level of deceit that I would not be comfortable with.

Honestly, that sent chills down my spine. What would he have done had you not sussed it was him and continued to talk to "Ben"? It looks like he was trying to trip you up so he had an excuse to invade your privacy....ie; "oh but you talked to that guy online and I classed that as cheating so I need to have access to all of your online communications".

Please get rid, you deserve better x

Battleax · 08/02/2018 18:01

You can be unashamed of your past without sharing it with him (or publishing it online).

He's a wrong'un. Dump and move on. Then improve your internet privacy before you meet anyone else.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2018 18:04

"he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things"

It seems like he doesn't apply the same standards to himself though eh?

LTB = Leave the bastard

Strippervicar · 08/02/2018 18:04

Agree, he is a tool.
For the future, you can set the privacy of the individual posts on your tumblr to private. And if you get a second tumblr you can password protect it so that no one can read without pword.

Also, get statcounter. You will need to log on via a laptop. Once the code is installed it will log the ip of each visitor. It also flags your ip the device.

Tricky these days posting on tumblr, esp about issues like you describe there are so many people who try stuff like your (hopefully) ex bf and use it against you. Speaking from bitter experience.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/02/2018 18:06

Awful man. Dump him immediately.

MistressDeeCee · 08/02/2018 18:09

Weirdo. Why do you even need to ask the question? I couldn't even sleep in a bed next to that I'd be afraid of what the creep might do when I'm sleeping

bastardkitty · 08/02/2018 18:09

Seriously, leave and block.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2018 18:09

Leave leave leave. Block his number. And of he scares you call the police

Notsooriginalwerther · 08/02/2018 18:10

It’s not just the pushiness to read you’re blog or the sneaking in to your iPad that’s out of order but it’s the level that he’s stooped to in order to snare you into revealing if you’re a cheat? He’s completely disrespected your wishes that he not read that blog yet as you felt it was maybe too heavy for so early on into the realationship but that he immediately assumed ‘she’s prob alt using it to cheat’ - that’s what he thinks of you, not that you’re just being prudy about your blog but that you’re probably using tumblr to cheat and he’ll catfish you into proving it? Seriously leave him, you can do a lot better. Good luck.

Haffiana · 08/02/2018 18:10

The reason that he needs dumping is that he hasn't apologised at all, has he?

Instead it is your fault for not being open about it. You 'made him do it'. Hmm How can you forgive someone who is only sorry that he got caught?

He is a shitty, creepy fuck, and he has no bottom line, OP. He will do anything he likes in your relationship, and he will always blame you for driving him to it. You are right to find him repulsive.

Mom2K · 08/02/2018 18:12

What he did was perverse and creepy and I would NOT be getting past it. Dump him and run. And he has absolutely no right to your blog. He is controlling and abusive