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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think he stalked me online

153 replies

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:43

I have a tumblr account that I have used for many years. It probably dates back to around 5 years ago. There are things on there about an eating disorder I had, a bad relationship, issues I have with my father... I found it helped me to get it out there. None of my pictures are on there or any identifying information and I have probably less than 30 followers and these are people I don't know and I don't interact with them.

When I met my boyfriend he went on my iPad and saw the tumblr app and asked what it was. I explained and told him I didn't want him to read it as it was an outlet for me and it was personal, (plus I hadn't really used it as much for the six months leading up to meeting him). From that moment on he became obsessed with finding out what the URL for my blog was. I didn't want him to read it as I didn't feel comfortable with it, but on the other hand, it held a lot of memories for me and I didn't want to just delete it. So I changed the URL.

He got onto my iPad when I was in the shower about 8 months into our relationship. I can only assume he read the majority, or all, of my posts on there.

Shortly after this I was beginning to feel my old eating disorder tendencies creep back in / have bad thoughts about starving myself. This scared me and I began to use my tumblr again. Sometimes I would write vague posts about the ED, sometimes I'd reblog pictures of things I thought were nice or cool. It was an outlet and it helped.

I started to get strange anonymous messages on my blog. Things like "would you ever cheat on your partner", "will you post naked photos of yourself", "I am your secret admirer", "I saw you in town today you looked hot" and "I want sex with you". I ignored these messages but they did give me the creeps.

Then one day someone started following me and I received a message from that blog saying "Hi, my name is Ben and I love your blog. How are you?". I replied to say "Thanks and I'm fine thanks, you?" I then got this really strange message back asking for my number and if he could take me on a date sometime.

I don't know how but it just clicked that this person wasn't a stranger and I knew deep in my stomach that my boyfriend was behind it.

I messaged him saying I was getting strange messages on tumblr asking me for naked photos and that I had contacted tumblr staff. He replied and didn't seem to bothered until I said that tumblr staff had confirmed that the person's IP address indicated it was someone who was in the same town as us and that I was scared and going to contact the police. (none of that was true, I just said it to see if he'd confess).

He broke down and confessed it was him, all of the anonymous messages were him and the Ben guy was him too. He said he didn't want to lose me and he only did it because I wasn't giving him access to my blog and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things.

Since this I feel repulsed by him, I try to smile and act like everything is okay but I just can't, his touch makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be around him.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it?? Should I even try forgiving him??

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/02/2018 16:54

he said i have no right to contact the estate agent without his agreement and he isnt going to lose the house. i know he cant afford it on his own so i think hes just lashing out.

If you have a joint tenancy then what happens about the tenancy depends on whether you are in a fixed term contract or not. If you are and want to end it early then all tenants and the landlord have to agree to an early surrender.

If you are in a rolling contract then any tenant can give notice and it counts for everyone! The other tenant can't stop you.

I wouldn't think you are tenants in common as that tends to be students or HMOs, rather than a couple sharing a property.

Stick to your guns. No matter what others here think, or what his mum says, you only have to please yourself and, if he his actions leave you feeling betrayed, stalked, etc then that is all you need to know.

He hasn't apologised, he has just turned it all back on you for being 'secretive'. Well bollocks to that! You are not his toy, his amusement or his property. After 30 years together DH and I still have 'separateness', including my own online blog that he has never shown any interest in because, well, it is mine, not his!

rowdywoman1 · 09/02/2018 16:57

OP - you are fully entitled to your privacy and his willingness to invade it is wrong. He doesn't respect you sadly and his actions in targeting you were beyond creepy. His 'stalking' behaviour on the blog is sinister - it's controlling and trying to catch you out. Let him go, ignore his parents. They don't have your interests at heart.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/02/2018 16:58

Cross posted

so maybe i should have let him read the blog in the first place?? No! Why should you? Your reason for not showing it to him for him to read was simply and clearly because i didnt want him to

He should have accepted that, rather than all that sneaky, weird crap! Who knows, had he given you time and room to think it through you might have chosen to share that information with him... but it wasn't his to take and it certainly wasn't his right to try to 'catfish' you!

That makes him an insecure twat, which he is reinforcing with his 'being in bits'. Pillock!

Yvonne1958 · 09/02/2018 17:00

It was your blog and it was up to you when he read it. His behaviour after he read it was disgraceful.
Just because he’s ‘in bits’ does not mean you have to salvage the relationship.
This is only 8 months in, if you forgive him and continue the relationship he will get worse
If I were you I would block his mum on your phone.
If you can stay with your brother please do.
Try and remember that you’ve done NOTHING wrong

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2018 17:09

so maybe i should have let him read the blog in the first place?? i didnt want him to, i didnt want him to read my posts full of self loathing, i was trying to be a stronger person, id never want him to read how much i hated myself.

No. Simple as anything, you didn't want him to read it. You didn't want to. You asked him to respect your wishes on something personal, and he couldn't. There is no 'should'. Your feelings matter. Start working from the premise that they don't matter as much as someone else's wants, and you're in trouble.

he has been texting all day, his mum says hes "in bits" and is sorry for what hes done, but i dont think this is salvageable is it?

Well no. See above. He showed himself unable to respect your wishes. And much much worse. His stalking and sending you anonymous messages is illegal, you realise that? He really is someone that anyone in their right mind would run a mile from after being treated like that. Frankly, if he's 'in bits' it's a. going to do him the world of good and teach him a sharp lesson before he ends up with a conviction for harrassment and b. absolutely of no interest to you. Unless of course you reckon you should carry on an awful relationship with a man capable of frankly fucking creepy unsafe behaviour just so that he doesn't get upset?

See above - take advice on getting out of the tenancy and get away from this creep. And tell his mum that you're considering the police as he won't leave you alone.

Whocansay · 09/02/2018 17:09

Who cares if he's 'in bits'? Did he give one tiny shit about your feelings? Nope. He actually tried to make it your fault. Fuck him.

Onecutefox · 09/02/2018 17:22

But did he apologise or just tried to find lots of excuses?

TriniRedVelvet · 09/02/2018 17:27

Definitely get rid of him.

Desmondo2016 · 09/02/2018 17:47

You need to stop.communicating with either him or his mum for now.

category12 · 09/02/2018 18:40

It's not salvageable, no, because you had a clearly stated boundary - which he not only crossed - but he used the opportunity to harass & troll you.

In a relationship, you need to be able to trust your partner is on your side and that he will respect your boundaries. You can't trust him on either.

pog100 · 09/02/2018 18:45

no it's not salvageable. He cannot be a trustworthy partner to you. These are not the actions of a normal respectful man, which is what you deserve. Don't settle for less!

sonjadog · 09/02/2018 19:10

No, definitely not salvageable. He didn't just snoop, he sent you creepy messages pretending to be someone else. I'm pretty nosy and have probably read more online than a should, but I would never ever pretend to be someone else and send creepy messages to someone. That is not normal behaviour.

fireflame · 09/02/2018 19:45

Get rid he sounds like a freak!

Aminuts23 · 09/02/2018 20:00

Don’t let him guilt you. He has violated your personal space and your trust. My ex also did this. He denied and denied it but I knew it was him. It’s beyond creepy. It’s a sign of a very very disturbed mind. Watch out he doesn’t find this thread too. Mine had put spyware on everything. He found my threads on here and it was absolutely horrendous. Stay strong, keep firm boundaries in place and stick to your guns. You are worth far better than this creep.

heyhosilver · 09/02/2018 20:11

Leave him!! Leave him now!

eddielizzard · 09/02/2018 20:28

it's not salvageable. the trust is completely broken. he totally misjudged the situation and acted appallingly. stick to your guns.

stolemyusername · 09/02/2018 21:50

Ask the rental agents to start advertising the property again and that you will continue to pay rent until a suitable tenant can be found. Alternatively, start advertising for a lodger to cover half the rent so that one of you can continue to live there and see out the lease.

I wouldn't give your ex the time of day. He was using your mental health against you and testing you. How dare he read something so private that you asked him not to, would he feel that he had the right to read your diary also?

Charismam · 09/02/2018 21:56

Wow. Late to this thread but he thought nothing of causing u distress and he wouldnt allow you privacy.

KikiTheParrot · 10/02/2018 09:33

Hope you are OK, OP.

Chattette1 · 10/02/2018 09:37

End it. Please. That is a gross thing to do, not only reading it but scaring you and trying to trap you like that. That's unforgivable.

Appuskidu · 10/02/2018 09:38

How is he proposing to pay the rent on his own?!

Greypaw · 10/02/2018 11:08

I wanted to comment to offer my solidarity, OP, because my exH did something remarkably similar, though he did it continuously for six months before I caught him out. He also responded in a similar way when confronted. We had DCs together and I gave him another chance after all his pleas that he’d never do it again, that it was my fault really etc. Well guess what - six months later he was at it again. He also escalated in other ways. The bottom line was, he believed he had a right to do this stuff - to know my every thought and everything that went on in my head, as he put it. He said it was addictive and he couldn’t stop. He said it was my fault for not making my passwords secure enough. And then he said it was my fault for not “dealing with him properly” the first time he’d done it and being too forgiving and nice. It looked suspicious. And then he said that if I didn’t want him to read my emails, I shouldn’t have an email account.

You’re entitled to your private thoughts and words. You’re entitled to your own space. You don’t have to share everything with him because you’re an individual, and he’s clearly telling you he doesn’t agree with this. His parents probably see nothing wrong with what he’s done; perhaps their relationship is similar to this. But what they think is irrelevant if it’s not a relationship dynamic you’re happy with. You’d have to live with it; they don’t. Have the courage of your convictions and be kind to yourself. Maybe give Women’s Aid a call and chat to them about the coercive control laws, it might help when it comes to housing.

HellonHeels · 10/02/2018 11:17

If it's a 12 month tenancy, your contract may have a 6 month break clause, allowing you to break the tenancy at the 6 month point. Read your contract carefully to check.

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 12/02/2018 09:42

morning everyone, me again.

i have had a horrible weekend.

i stayed at my brothers for the weekend and when i got back on sunday my ex had moved all of the furniture out of the house, including the fridge. i have diabetes and my insulin needs to be stored in the fridge, he had left it sitting on the counter and took the fridge with him.

i now have a house with no bed, no sofa, no washing machine or fridge, no tv. its just empty. he told me his dad drove him over with a van on saturday and helped him empty the house.

we bought the sofa jointly but everything else was his. he said he will bring everything back if we get back together.

the agent emailed me saying the landlord has agreed for us to leave the property once they find someone else. its gone on rightmove this morning so i hope they find someone.

i dont have anywhere to live so im going to be sleeping on my mums sofa until i can sort myself out.

i cant believe he has done this.

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 12/02/2018 09:50

I cant - he was stalking you! He was not to be trusted. He is now bribing you to get back together. A manipulative bastard and you need to make sure you never get back with him.