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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i think he stalked me online

153 replies

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:43

I have a tumblr account that I have used for many years. It probably dates back to around 5 years ago. There are things on there about an eating disorder I had, a bad relationship, issues I have with my father... I found it helped me to get it out there. None of my pictures are on there or any identifying information and I have probably less than 30 followers and these are people I don't know and I don't interact with them.

When I met my boyfriend he went on my iPad and saw the tumblr app and asked what it was. I explained and told him I didn't want him to read it as it was an outlet for me and it was personal, (plus I hadn't really used it as much for the six months leading up to meeting him). From that moment on he became obsessed with finding out what the URL for my blog was. I didn't want him to read it as I didn't feel comfortable with it, but on the other hand, it held a lot of memories for me and I didn't want to just delete it. So I changed the URL.

He got onto my iPad when I was in the shower about 8 months into our relationship. I can only assume he read the majority, or all, of my posts on there.

Shortly after this I was beginning to feel my old eating disorder tendencies creep back in / have bad thoughts about starving myself. This scared me and I began to use my tumblr again. Sometimes I would write vague posts about the ED, sometimes I'd reblog pictures of things I thought were nice or cool. It was an outlet and it helped.

I started to get strange anonymous messages on my blog. Things like "would you ever cheat on your partner", "will you post naked photos of yourself", "I am your secret admirer", "I saw you in town today you looked hot" and "I want sex with you". I ignored these messages but they did give me the creeps.

Then one day someone started following me and I received a message from that blog saying "Hi, my name is Ben and I love your blog. How are you?". I replied to say "Thanks and I'm fine thanks, you?" I then got this really strange message back asking for my number and if he could take me on a date sometime.

I don't know how but it just clicked that this person wasn't a stranger and I knew deep in my stomach that my boyfriend was behind it.

I messaged him saying I was getting strange messages on tumblr asking me for naked photos and that I had contacted tumblr staff. He replied and didn't seem to bothered until I said that tumblr staff had confirmed that the person's IP address indicated it was someone who was in the same town as us and that I was scared and going to contact the police. (none of that was true, I just said it to see if he'd confess).

He broke down and confessed it was him, all of the anonymous messages were him and the Ben guy was him too. He said he didn't want to lose me and he only did it because I wasn't giving him access to my blog and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things.

Since this I feel repulsed by him, I try to smile and act like everything is okay but I just can't, his touch makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be around him.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it?? Should I even try forgiving him??

OP posts:
tafftum · 08/02/2018 18:13

Oh op he sounds like a creep! Please LTB! He's shown this early on how unstable and controlling he can be, huge red flag.
You can do better Thanks x

EllenRipley · 08/02/2018 18:21

Please end this relationship!

windchimesabotage · 08/02/2018 18:26

You need to leave this man. Disgusting behaviour from him. He has totally trampled over your privacy and headspace. And Im astonished that the only reason he spied on your extremely personal blog was to see if you were cheating on him... I mean how crazy is that? No hes not concerned about your eating disorder or any of the things you are going thru he just wants to know if you will send nude pics to a stranger. Get rid of him he doesnt care about you he is treating you like a possession. You deserve someone who respects you and genuinely cares about the things you are going through. Flowers

calmandbright · 08/02/2018 18:30

What a creepy cunt. No you should forgive and forget! I could maybe possibly vaguely understand if he’d looked out of some sort of concern for your mental health or ED or something - still pretty unforgivable but maybe something you could get through. But no! He just wanted to honey trap you. A big LTB from me!

orangewasp · 08/02/2018 18:31

and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things

Oh, the irony!

Total no brainer, get rid of him now. Creepy and needy at best, unhinged and dangerous at worst.

calmandbright · 08/02/2018 18:32

Well played on flushing him out though op!!

KikiTheParrot · 08/02/2018 18:37

Wow. He was quite happy for you to believe you were being stalked online by a stranger? This guy does not care about you.

And he blames you for wanting any form of privacy or any aspect of your life that's not under his surveillance, but he's quite happy to stalk you secretly online?

So this guy is creepy and controlling and utterly selfish. I've never posted a LTB before, but this really deserves one. LTB!

P.S. He is also not the brightest bulb in the box if he thinks that you write a Tumblr blog with that subject matter IN ORDER TO PICK UP MEN. Seriously?! If someone wanted to pick up men then is that really how they would go about it?! He sounds obsessively jealous if that's the way his mind works.

Hidingtonothing · 08/02/2018 18:39

So many red flags here it's practically bunting, he's paranoid and controlling and you don't need that shit in your life. Lana's post is spot on, get rid but do it carefully, men like him don't let go easily.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/02/2018 18:46

Massive warning signs here. Leave him.

HairyBallTheorem · 08/02/2018 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyBallTheorem · 08/02/2018 18:59

Oh shit, wrong thread, sorry! Will get MNHQ to delete.

Oh, and for what it's worth, my input to your situation - LTB OP, he's not a keeper, he's a creeper.

Yvonne1958 · 08/02/2018 19:54

Hello Roastpotato, I’m new to MN and I’ve learned a few things from it. Gaslighting is a term that I’d never heard before, check it out because it describes your boyfriend’s behaviour. In your op you said that you were beginning to have bad thoughts and that your old eating disorder may be coming back. Is it at all possible that the bad thoughts were connected to stuff your boyfriend could have said, stuff he could have read on your tumblr account?
At the end of your post you ask “what is wrong with you” and “why can’t you just get over it”
There is NOTHING wrong with you.
If I were in your shoes I would end the relationship NOW
Manipulative people are very, very good at making you feel you are wrong.

Cricrichan · 08/02/2018 20:02

There is nothing wrong with you, just everything wrong with your boyfriend. To sneakily read stuff that you have asked him not to and then to repeatedly test you to see if you would cheat is terrible. He obviously doesn't trust you, even though you've not done anything to break his trust. He will never trust you and that means he either has issues or he's not trustworthy himself (which he's showing by what he's doing).

This man isn't good for you.

Shoxfordian · 08/02/2018 20:18

He's completely wrong to have broken your trust this way. Definitely end it with him

HairyBallTheorem · 08/02/2018 20:23

That's a good point Yvonne - a resurgence of your eating disorder, OP, could well be down to your boyfriend's behaviour. I suspect a hell of a lot of women's mental health issues are down to crappy partners.

georgeoutside · 08/02/2018 20:29

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it??

Because he is a creepy cunt who does not respect you?

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 08/02/2018 20:29

The guy sounds unhinged. Also obsessed with you, and not at all in a good way. I think he could turn out to be quite dangerous.

I'd get rid of him.

S0ph1a · 08/02/2018 20:37

He’s creepy, manipulative and paranoid. Please make careful plans and leave him. He won’t let you go easily so be prepared.

Yvonne1958 · 08/02/2018 20:50

I agree HairyBall, it’s a bit of a generalisation but I think that many women have low self esteem and can be vulnerable to gaslighters- if that’s the right term. I know I was.
I hope the OP is able to find her way out of this relationship

ICESTAR · 08/02/2018 20:54

Make sure he can't find your posts on here op! Xxx

Whocansay · 08/02/2018 20:54

He disregarded your boundaries, broke your trust, tried to entrap you and when caught, tried to blame you. And you think you should 'get over it'? Fuck no! Ditch him immediately! He makes your skin crawl because he is an utter creep. That feeling is your own gut, trying to protect you.

One text is all it takes to get rid of this piece of shit.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/02/2018 21:34

Nothing is wrong with you. Your gut feeling is spot on. He is trying his best to brainwash you into ignoring it. Go with your gut, always.

Why can’t you just get over it? Because so much is riding on your personal boundaries. Your ED is rearing it’s head because of him: no! Do not tolerate that: zero tolerance. You must protect your health. Dump him, then you will feel relief and getting over it will be a snap.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/02/2018 21:54

he did this to you? Bin him immediately. Ignore him when his mouth is moving and when it isn't. He's really a shit.

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 21:55

I'm surprised you need to ask!

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 09/02/2018 05:51

I'm guessing that you werent expecting the replies you got OP?