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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think he stalked me online

153 replies

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:43

I have a tumblr account that I have used for many years. It probably dates back to around 5 years ago. There are things on there about an eating disorder I had, a bad relationship, issues I have with my father... I found it helped me to get it out there. None of my pictures are on there or any identifying information and I have probably less than 30 followers and these are people I don't know and I don't interact with them.

When I met my boyfriend he went on my iPad and saw the tumblr app and asked what it was. I explained and told him I didn't want him to read it as it was an outlet for me and it was personal, (plus I hadn't really used it as much for the six months leading up to meeting him). From that moment on he became obsessed with finding out what the URL for my blog was. I didn't want him to read it as I didn't feel comfortable with it, but on the other hand, it held a lot of memories for me and I didn't want to just delete it. So I changed the URL.

He got onto my iPad when I was in the shower about 8 months into our relationship. I can only assume he read the majority, or all, of my posts on there.

Shortly after this I was beginning to feel my old eating disorder tendencies creep back in / have bad thoughts about starving myself. This scared me and I began to use my tumblr again. Sometimes I would write vague posts about the ED, sometimes I'd reblog pictures of things I thought were nice or cool. It was an outlet and it helped.

I started to get strange anonymous messages on my blog. Things like "would you ever cheat on your partner", "will you post naked photos of yourself", "I am your secret admirer", "I saw you in town today you looked hot" and "I want sex with you". I ignored these messages but they did give me the creeps.

Then one day someone started following me and I received a message from that blog saying "Hi, my name is Ben and I love your blog. How are you?". I replied to say "Thanks and I'm fine thanks, you?" I then got this really strange message back asking for my number and if he could take me on a date sometime.

I don't know how but it just clicked that this person wasn't a stranger and I knew deep in my stomach that my boyfriend was behind it.

I messaged him saying I was getting strange messages on tumblr asking me for naked photos and that I had contacted tumblr staff. He replied and didn't seem to bothered until I said that tumblr staff had confirmed that the person's IP address indicated it was someone who was in the same town as us and that I was scared and going to contact the police. (none of that was true, I just said it to see if he'd confess).

He broke down and confessed it was him, all of the anonymous messages were him and the Ben guy was him too. He said he didn't want to lose me and he only did it because I wasn't giving him access to my blog and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things.

Since this I feel repulsed by him, I try to smile and act like everything is okay but I just can't, his touch makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be around him.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it?? Should I even try forgiving him??

OP posts:
category12 · 09/02/2018 06:04

Get rid of him. What he did was way over the line.

diodati · 09/02/2018 06:14

Scary as hell! Run.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 09/02/2018 06:43

Run. Also maybe report behaviour to police. Like don't phone 999 but ask for it to be logged. In case he then gets more stalkery once you've binned him.

Mrstobe90 · 09/02/2018 07:04

He invaded your privacy, sent you unsettling messages and is now blaming you?

You know what to do xx

Firenight · 09/02/2018 07:11

Get out. Anyone who would deceive you and mess with your head like this is not someone you want to trust and maintain within your life. Consider it an early wake up call!

Desmondo2016 · 09/02/2018 07:38

What a creepy fucker!

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/02/2018 09:42

Are you confused because it's an 'online' journal and therefore open to people who don't know you to read?

Imagine it was your written diary. You'd hidden it. He knew you kept a diary but kept on and on about wanting to read it. You said no. So he found it and read it and then wrote you letters pretending to be someone who fancied you...

Creepy.As.Fuck. I'm assuming he's very young and thinks that he owns his girlfriend's thoughts?

Atalune · 09/02/2018 09:44

He’s a wrongun.

Bin him.

Crocusqueen · 09/02/2018 10:06

What a friggin psycho

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 10:56

Hi everyone thanks for the replies.

I spoke to him last night and he went to stay at his parents as I don't want him in the house. He text me at about midnight saying he'd come clean to his mum and dad and told them everything, this morning his mum text me saying he was in bits and that they can understand why he did it because I seem 'closed off' sometimes and I'm hard to read??

I replied to say i didnt feel that stalking me online and sending me sexual anonymous messages was appropriate, well turns out he hadn't told her about that part, only that he'd read my private journal.

I have asked him not to come home and will be contacting our letting agent today about ending our tenancy early.

Oh and i dont think its fair to say i need to be more careful about my online activities. like i said, id had that blog for over 5 years with no problems and theres no info on there to identify me personally.

i am heartbroken that someone i shared a life and my bed with has done this to me.

i feel like he has taken something away from me but i cant explain what.

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 10:58

Well done for being so strong! Flowers

Yamayo · 09/02/2018 11:01

He's such a creep and so are his parents! I can't believe they were excusing him because 'you're hard to read'.
If you wanted to know you better be should have asked you about the blog and then respected your boundaries.

Poor you.

S0ph1a · 09/02/2018 11:17

He has taken something away from you! He invaded your privavcy, broke your trust , lied to you and harassed you.

And now he he’s lying to his parents who are blaming you.

I’d be incandescent with rage.

Ellendegeneres · 09/02/2018 11:23

Fuuuuuuuuck that’s so creepy. That’s beyond anything I’ve even read before.
I thought you were going to post saying your ex had stalked you online but your own boyfriend (hopefully now ex) and he’s trying to justify it??

I’d go one step further. I’d contact the police, explain what’s been going on and show them. Tell them your now ex has admitted to being behind all of it and ask what can be done to protect you from him. Because I have a feeling that having read your personal thoughts, feelings and fears etc, he’s not going to let go that easy. I think he’ll either do it for years to come or try to blackmail you with his knowledge on you.

Please please protect yourself. He is 100% wrong, you’re so right to get rid of him and not forgive. It’s unforgivable

octoberfarm · 09/02/2018 11:25

Your tumblr account, it sounds like, it sort of like your diary. You were open and honest with him and explained to him it was personal, and you even explained why, even though you didn't need to justify yourself, and he still persisted. Relationship or not, he has no right to demand access to any part of you or your life, especially to something so personal.

I don't think you're overreacting at all - he broke your trust, invaded your privacy and then got super weird and inappropriate with those posts/messages, which were totally unnecessary and creepy. If it were me, we'd be done. Sorry you're having to deal with this Thanks

windchimesabotage · 09/02/2018 11:28

Well done OP Flowers Flowers

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 11:38

im sorry to keep posting here but he keeps messaging me saying hes coming back tonight to talk. we are joint tenants so I cant stop him coming back to the house, he has as much right to be here as I do. Ive already moved all his stuff into the second bedroom, is it childish if I lock myself in the main bedroom and ignore him?? The agency said they need to ask the landlords permission for us to cancel the tenancy and he is under no obligation to say yes :cry:

OP posts:
KikiTheParrot · 09/02/2018 11:39

Sounds like his parents have a lot of problems with privacy/appropriate boundaries as well - which may explain why he's grown up like this. Unbelievable that they would try to turn it around onto you, even on the basis of the (partial and probably inaccurate) information he chose to give them.

Thank God you're out of there. Doing this in the first place was appalling, but attempting to blame you for it is (if possible) even worse.

I don't think I've ever seen a more unanimous Mumsnet thread. Usually you get at least a few people putting an alternative spin on things (if only to play devil's advocate or be 'controversial'). I know we're only a lot of random internet strangers, but when EVERYONE goes, "Fuck, no, that's scary and you should leave," it really does say something.

Well done, OP, and good luck.

KikiTheParrot · 09/02/2018 11:43

He does not have the unilateral "right" to talk to you. Of course you can ignore him; he shouldn't be trying to force you into this.

Can you get someone you trust (preferably big and strong) to be with you?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/02/2018 11:43

What have you replied to him? Have you told him not to come over and that you have nothing to say to him?

You wouldn't be childish at all to lock yourself away. Just keep yourself safe!

I don't think you need to be more careful about your online activities, its him with problem not you.

x

TheEmmaDilemma · 09/02/2018 11:46

No. Just no. It's a warning signal.

Feelings · 09/02/2018 11:47

Well you don't need to stay in the house if he does say yes, just give notice on your part of the tenancy.
He's lied to protect himself several times, he's only looking out for himself, not you.

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 11:49

i havent responded to him. im trying to get hold of my brother to see if i can go stay there for the weekend.

i dont want to see him because i know hes going to try and convince me to get back with him. its like i can see a different side to him now and how manipulative and convincing he can be.

i just need to keep reminding myself of what hes done. its hard to focus when i keep bursting into tears. i thought he loved me.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 09/02/2018 11:52

There is nothing wrong with you locking yourself in your bedroom if you don't want to talk to him - just make sure you have your phone with you. (if you are worried make sure you are registered for the text based 999 service.)
Or have a friend around this evening.

Don't panic about the tenancy - maybe one of you can take it over and get sub-let a room for the remainder?

Onecutefox · 09/02/2018 11:55

I may have forgiven him if he was reading the blog and that's it but he was intimidating you. It's like he was having a laugh writing those messages pulling a trigger. Selfish c**t.

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