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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think he stalked me online

153 replies

roastpotato87 · 08/02/2018 17:43

I have a tumblr account that I have used for many years. It probably dates back to around 5 years ago. There are things on there about an eating disorder I had, a bad relationship, issues I have with my father... I found it helped me to get it out there. None of my pictures are on there or any identifying information and I have probably less than 30 followers and these are people I don't know and I don't interact with them.

When I met my boyfriend he went on my iPad and saw the tumblr app and asked what it was. I explained and told him I didn't want him to read it as it was an outlet for me and it was personal, (plus I hadn't really used it as much for the six months leading up to meeting him). From that moment on he became obsessed with finding out what the URL for my blog was. I didn't want him to read it as I didn't feel comfortable with it, but on the other hand, it held a lot of memories for me and I didn't want to just delete it. So I changed the URL.

He got onto my iPad when I was in the shower about 8 months into our relationship. I can only assume he read the majority, or all, of my posts on there.

Shortly after this I was beginning to feel my old eating disorder tendencies creep back in / have bad thoughts about starving myself. This scared me and I began to use my tumblr again. Sometimes I would write vague posts about the ED, sometimes I'd reblog pictures of things I thought were nice or cool. It was an outlet and it helped.

I started to get strange anonymous messages on my blog. Things like "would you ever cheat on your partner", "will you post naked photos of yourself", "I am your secret admirer", "I saw you in town today you looked hot" and "I want sex with you". I ignored these messages but they did give me the creeps.

Then one day someone started following me and I received a message from that blog saying "Hi, my name is Ben and I love your blog. How are you?". I replied to say "Thanks and I'm fine thanks, you?" I then got this really strange message back asking for my number and if he could take me on a date sometime.

I don't know how but it just clicked that this person wasn't a stranger and I knew deep in my stomach that my boyfriend was behind it.

I messaged him saying I was getting strange messages on tumblr asking me for naked photos and that I had contacted tumblr staff. He replied and didn't seem to bothered until I said that tumblr staff had confirmed that the person's IP address indicated it was someone who was in the same town as us and that I was scared and going to contact the police. (none of that was true, I just said it to see if he'd confess).

He broke down and confessed it was him, all of the anonymous messages were him and the Ben guy was him too. He said he didn't want to lose me and he only did it because I wasn't giving him access to my blog and he expects his partner to be completely open with him and not hide things.

Since this I feel repulsed by him, I try to smile and act like everything is okay but I just can't, his touch makes my skin crawl and I don't want to be around him.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it?? Should I even try forgiving him??

OP posts:
Charmander123 · 09/02/2018 12:28

Well done op for sticking up for how you're feeling! Reading a blog post is one thing but to send you all that shit is just so childish and stupid! He doesn't deserve you x

windchimesabotage · 09/02/2018 12:32

Text him back and tell him you cant stop him entering the flat but that you dont want to see him. Then dont respond further. Lock yourself in your bedroom and make sure you have a phone with you and some food etc. Ring the police if he starts kicking off. And dont be ashamed or afraid to ring the police. He may have a right to be in the flat but he does not have a right to shout at you or intimidate you.

I cannot believe he has yet again just trampled all over your boundaries and TOLD you he was coming to talk to you without even asking. What an utter dick. Honestly you have done the right thing leaving this man. All of his behaviour is incredibly invasive and controlling. Just keep reminding yourself that this is what youd be letting yourself in for a lifetime of if you stayed with him.

Flowers
Onecutefox · 09/02/2018 12:42

OP, just tell him it's all over between you and him and that you hope he behaves decently and respects your wishes by not trying to intimidate you when back to the flat.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2018 12:46

Message him and tell him that yes, you can't prevent him from coming into his house, but if he intends to do that then you are very sorry but you will be contacting the police to report his stalking and online sexual harrassment, as you will of course be unable to remain in the house and feel safe with him now so you will have to leave temporarily and want to create a paper trail for the landlords etc. as you will have to argue reasons to end the tenancy.

Pity that you could not come to some sort of sensible arrangement but there you go...

It's likely that he will in fact then stay away.

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 12:57

Update.

Ive text him saying i dont want to continue our relationship cos the trust has been broken and i dont feel safe. i said i have no right to stop him coming back but ive sorted out separate bedrooms for us and will be using the locks on the door and that ive told the estate agency i want to end the tenancy early.

he said i have no right to contact the estate agent without his agreement and he isnt going to lose the house. i know he cant afford it on his own so i think hes just lashing out.

does anyone know what will happen if i request to end the tenancy but he doesnt agree? i know if he wants to stay he will fail the referencing as he doesnt earn enough to afford the rent on his own. the agent said because we are jointly liable i cant just end my 'half' of the tenancy unless the landlord agrees. but if the landlord knows that my boyfriend cant afford it on his own, he might not agree to letting us end it.

we have 8 months left on the contract

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 09/02/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thistlebelle · 09/02/2018 13:43

You are doing the right thing.

Remember he isn’t in charge.
You make your own decisions without reference to him.

I think going away for the weekend is an excellent idea.

It might also be a good idea to take any important documents or paperwork away at the same time so they don’t go “missing”.

Good luck Flowers

KikiTheParrot · 09/02/2018 14:10

There is an advice page here on joint tenancies - there is a section "Relationship breakdown" partway down the page with some links which may be useful.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancies

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2018 14:26

I would contact Shelter for advice.

It may be that you would need to think about reporting the stalking/sending explicit messages to the police, for the purposes of 'proving' relationship breakdown and justification for getting out of the tenancy - that you do not feel safe with him. This may be possible as you don't want to keep him out, you just want to get out yourself.

Again, I'd tell him this - or maybe, say it to his parents? That you are very sorry to hear of his opinion on this but you will be doing everything you can to end the tenancy and you will not be living with him any more. If he wants to engage with that and eg try and find another tenant, that would possibly be far better and easier for him than him leaving you with no option but to report him to police in order to be able to leave safely.

His parents may in that scenario put pressure on him to agree, offer to have him there etc. Anything which gets you out!

Talk to Shelter though.

Onecutefox · 09/02/2018 14:42

Stay safe OP. Seriously. He is a bit creapy and has a big ego.

cakecakecheese · 09/02/2018 14:49

Oh gosh this is awful, is there anyone who can come and sit with you so you're not alone?

tafftum · 09/02/2018 15:07

Thanks for the update op, I was thinking about your thread this morning. I'm glad you've decided to move out and leave him. I hope you're ok and you get everything sorted as smoothly as possibleThanks

Lizzie48 · 09/02/2018 15:13

You need to make sure you stay safe, OP, he sounds very creepy. Stalking you online is just so wrong.

Bumshkawahwah · 09/02/2018 15:20

Well done, OP, stay strong.

I’m a bit gobsmacked that his parents think that you being ‘closed off’ means their son has the right to snoop into your background. Unbelievable.

There are all sorts of alarm bells ringing around this guy. To be so desperate to snoop into your bsvkground. Then to send you such horrible messages. He clearly doesn’t trust you at all. Who on earth thinks this kind of behaviour is normal? Does he think that if you can’t end the tenancy, you’ll just say ‘oh, okay then, let’s get back together’?

What a creep. Thank god you found out what he is really like before your relationship went any further. I’ll have everything crossed that you can end this tenancy and get out.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 09/02/2018 15:29

You might want to say 'fair enough, I will move out then and you can take the tenancy over. Of course I might then need to report your harassment and stalking to the police to prove that the relationship has broken down so the choice is yours.'

nc101abc · 09/02/2018 16:17

Am I in a small minority thinking he hasn't done something as bad as everyone is making out?

OP said she had a tumblr account and blog and refused to let him read it.

If he'd been in trust breaking relationships in the past he might have been thinking what are you trying to hide? Then he read it, and maybe wondered if you were chatting with people as part of it as well. So posed as someone interested in flirting to see if you'd bite and his worries would be right.

You caught him, it is not a normal thing to do, but is it really so bad?

tafftum · 09/02/2018 16:21

@nc101abc I understand where you're coming from, but I think it's more the making various accounts so he could message her and try to "catch her out".
Also, it was only 8 months into their relationship if she wasn't ready to talk about that sort of stuff with him, she simply wasn't ready and he should have respected that

Figgygal · 09/02/2018 16:21

I can't help with the legalities of your lease but I think you are doing the right thing. Total breach of trust and screaming controlling pig.

AnaWinter · 09/02/2018 16:24

She asked him not to read it nc101abc.

Not only did he read he sent her creepy anonymous messages. I don’t know any person who would do that to a partner. Your bad must be set really low if you think it is not that bad.

AnaWinter · 09/02/2018 16:25

Your bar not bad

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/02/2018 16:29

What a weirdo!! Can't believe he actually sent you anonymous emails.

So glad you are getting rid of this freak. Flowers

nc101abc · 09/02/2018 16:32

tafftum yes true about the 8 months in, he should respect her more and trust her I agree.

AnaWinter I'm ashamed to admit I may have done something similar to what OP's OH did. It was in relationships after my trust had been broken and I was at a very low point in my life. I didn't think it was such a bad thing to do but reading this thread I can see I was in a very bad place then and just hope I don't go there again

Lizzie48 · 09/02/2018 16:32

The OP should have the right to keep certain things private, @nc101abc an eating disorder would surely qualify as being something she's not yet ready to open up to him about. I'm speaking as someone who suffers from PTSD and an eating disorder. I share my feelings on private forums, my DH wouldn't dream of intruding.

As for the online stalking, that really is creepy.

Original poster
roastpotato87 · 09/02/2018 16:46

so maybe i should have let him read the blog in the first place?? i didnt want him to, i didnt want him to read my posts full of self loathing, i was trying to be a stronger person, id never want him to read how much i hated myself.

he has been texting all day, his mum says hes "in bits" and is sorry for what hes done, but i dont think this is salvageable is it?

OP posts:
HairyBallTheorem · 09/02/2018 16:53

Ignore the "he's in bits" attempt to guilt trip you. Reading the blog might have been just about salvageable (though unlikely) but creating the anonymous accounts to cyber stalk you? There's no coming back from that level of creepsville.

Oh, and ignore NC - there's always one poster on any relationships thread who sets the bar so low you'd have to dig half way to Australia to get to it.