Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

Sorry for essay and spelling/ grammar etc.

Sounds intolerable. How do you deal with issues as a couple, unrelated to children? Does he always overrule, or do you have a balanced view? (as if that exists... Just asking)
He sounds like a drag.

Generally we decide everything together, outside of the big 2 children everything is amicable and easy, he listens to my thoughts, and if I say. I go something he respects that. It's just the big 2, and it's so difficult, he acknowledges that it's an issue, but seems intolerably strict with them, which gets my back up, they went through so much with their father, but haven't seen him for 6 years.

I am exhausted by the days and days of discussions about such trivial things - but they are obviously not trivial to him.

This is no way to live! Not for you or your kids. Sort it out

He sounds like my DF. Very obsessive about things and would always over- analyse our behaviour as a family. Some kind of OCD I think but he has never been diagnosed with anything. He also would accuse my mum of not backing him up with discipline and stuff and would say she had an "indifference" to his opinions. Two very different personalities in one marriage.

So he's trying to be the big man father figure and be strong /strict when love would work better?

So he’s picking on your elder children
Normal teenagers

To some degree yes, he's very loving, but the teenagers aren't receptive to it- they're teenagers, so he can't get that balance like I can. It annoys him that they do what I ask, and not him. But I have that shout / cuddle ratio right I am their mum? If that makes sense?

And I would say what your son said, if someone asked me such s moronic question
Do you use a calculator ffs!!!

@Huntinginthedark in the dark - me too. And I would have thought normally he would have laughed or come back with a comment about it, but for some weird reason he over reacted took the Xbox away - it's like he made a mistake over reacted but won't give in. He's right I am wrong.

Cripes! Teenage boys are moody. They just about handle sentences with five words in, let alone long lectures every day.
He has to learn to pick his fights.
He has to learn timing.
He has to stop the spiral of constant criticism.
Respect has to be earned, it is not an automatic right.
Someone has to adult and it sure as hell isn't him right now
Yes, it is infuriating when they leave a mess everywhere. By the sound of it, dhs mess is ok but ds's isn't.
You are putting off the inevitable and you know it. If he won't give you the time to speak without eye rolling then you need to do the five minute stretch. You speak, uninterrupted by him for five, then it is his turn.
I suspect he will say he feels invisible and ignored.
Teach him positive parenting as this is only gonna get worse.
Then sit down with ds and explain the importance of self discipline in shared living spaces, basic consideration for your home etc.
Then sit back.
When this happened to me, I would wait In Silence for the end of the rant and then carry on with homework.support.
Eventually he would disappear back to top gear and leave us to crack on.
I would. then insist ds sorted his mess before disappearing into his room for post homework chilling.

Only thing I can suggest, like with everything is couples therapy maybe. So you can talk about the disparity in your parenting styles.
Things might be a lot deeper, but maybe he just can’t deal with teenagers. That’s giving him a massive benefit of the doubt btw.

If someone goes on and on, so you’re just too exhausted to bother fighting it, it’s a very very bad sign.

I’m pretty surprised your ds didn’t go a bit batshit at having his Xbox away as well.

jamies wisdom.

As a 'step kid', I can tell you that if you allow your DCs to be harangued and treated this way by your DH, they will feel like they don't have the support of either of their parents and it will drive a wedge. If it comes to choosing between your DH and your DCs, what would you do? Because he wants you to choose, and wants you to choose him.

@Jamiefraserskilt I am massively into positive parenting, and have said this to DH, he has this punishments are until they have learnt their lesson and have shown they have learnt it? Never understood it and has caused many rows in the house - to the point I hide kids bad behaviour - awful I know just can't deal with the stress of his dealing with it.
@Huntinginthedark DS so laid back and did have a stomp and moan but resigned to it. I said if he apologises and puts up with the lecture he'll get it back, but he just can't deal with the lecture. But I get the lecture about it daily, so I get doesn't want to have it.

@PastaOfMuppets he would never win, he knows that. He says we have a weird relationship, because I do back them on everything - probably not healthy either. But I give them telling offs and have expectations for them, they do respect them. And most importantly they are absolutely great kids, they have issues but don't we all?

Doesn’t sound like you have a weird relationship
I agree with pasta. He’s pushing your boundaries to see how much you can take

The constant lectures, is basically saying WHY aren’t you choosing me.
It’s childish.

I couldn’t take it personally. I fucking hate being lectured too. It gives me massive rage

Sorry, that sounds intolerable. How can you live like that?

He’s a nasty bully as far as I can tell.

You choose keeping him happy over your children’s well-being and you won’t see them fur dust after they are able to leave.

If I were your DS I’d be counting down the days I could escape.

I get a headache as soon as they start, like a nail through my skull!
However when I listen to them, he absolutely has their best interests at heart and wants only the very best for them, but it is all so restricted into his narrow view of how things should be.
No I don't want them to have attitudes or be rude, but it's like no one in the world is allowed to and must be always a pleasure to be around, jump to as soon as asked - except him.

@Merryoldgoat I am very conscious of that.
I have looked at all my options. But I will be honest, I don't trust my own judgment anymore. I don't have friends anymore to talk it through with. I can't discuss this with my children. I am at a loss. Am I the unreasonable one, is he? I don't know anymore.

I really do not see how he has thier best interests at heart.

I get that teeenagers are difficult. But the examples you’ve given sound seriously minor.
Honestly sounds like something from the 50s
As Merry says, your children will leave and you won’t see them for dust unless this changes one way or another

Your son actually rather give up his xbox than take another lecture?! And he may well be chilled out, but perhaps inside he’s just waiting till he can get the fuck out.

I know he's completely unreasonable with certain things and completely inflexible, but I do feel battered down by the constant words.
When I say he has their best interests at heart, he cares for them, he supports them, he used run around after them, pick them up drop them off. He wants then to do well, and have good futures.
God it all sounds so contrived doesn't it ...

Strikes me that his “care” of them is entirely conditional.
I think you can’t see the wood for the trees.
It’s like when someone says, I’m only doing this for your own good...(insert some massively overreacting punishment)

Sounds like a horrendous environment. Agree with PP, get out WITH your kids, or they'll leave and never look back at either of you!