Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

I agree with a PP, you’re going to lose your kids as they fly the nest one by one. You need to act and remove this person from their lives.

Good luck with the talk.

But honestly? He needs to go.

Over the 8 years he has chipped away at you, so gradually that you haven't even noticed it.

You were sociable, and now you don't have any friends. Your eldest DD is refusing to come back to you, the other two clearly don't like him either.

He is so rigid and set in his ways, and he has controlled you and forced you as much as he can to do what he wants you to do. You have lost so much, don't lose your DC. Please.

I don't think your DS's attitude is unreasonable in the circumstances. If he wants respect and to be treated nicely he needs to do the same to DS. DS is old enough to know you don't have to treat someone who treats you like shit with respect.

Next time he says you have to deal with his attitude tell him he has to deal with his.

One more thing I will say now.. then I promise I'll shut up...

We fall into abusive relationships for a reason, because we are taught we aren't valuable, we are not worthy of a good partner. Very often it's the messages we are given during childhood that make us the person we are. In many cases, victims of abusive partners have dysfucntional upbringings - not saying neglect or anything as dramatic, but criticism, lack of care/attention/love or negative messages - or indeed abusive/unbalanced parental relationships.

Beware too - as in my case - that someone has a bad relationship/life, but your's is worse, so they have to keep you in your shit relationship at all costs otherwise THEY will have the worst relationship/life they know.

My DM actively pushed me back to my ex when it looked like I was finally getting free of him...

You know your mother better than anyone, just be mindful that what is best for you, may not be perceived as best for some others.x

You sound fab ftfwbb - you've started to do something about this and that really took courage. You said you were happy when you were single, your husband is controlling and abusive, and you know that your daughter is being driven away by him. I'm honestly not seeing any reasons to stay with him. Get him out if your lives and I suspect everything will really improve.

Hi all,

We're just moving this over to relationships at the OP's request.

Your kids sound like normal teenagers and your husband sounds like my dad. Absolutely best intentions but really annoying to live with. Even now when I go and visit, it's really stressful because everything has to be put away and everybody has to behave perfectly. My mum is different because even though she instills good behaviour and tidiness etc she's not obsessive like him.

And teenagers are bloody hard. They don't reason like normal people because their neurological pathways are shut off in the empathy etc areas whisky they're going through puberty.

And how come he doesn't do my housework?

• Any not my housework

Oh god. Sounds exactly like my ex-husband and my two eldest children, also from a previous marriage. He wouldn't listen to me, simmering resentment from him whenever I didn't back him up.
And worse, much worse, my children were miserable.
they hid their misery from me as much as they could and I only found out how bad it was after I had finally told him to go.
You need to sort this out NOW for the sake of your son

Good luck OP - protect your children and yourself. He's controlling!!!
He may not see your points of view - don't despair - this is who he is - or he may say he will change - it's very very unlikely.

He is controlling, bottom line. If that bottom line isn’t bold enough, he is also angry. The lectures are not about a coat on the floor or you not backing him up. Going on for three days(!) shows it is to do with him and only him. This is about his masculinity and ego. He operates off his lizard brain and shuts down any attempt at anyone using their thinking brain. There will be no reasoning with him. My sister has one of these.

I agree he has problems with teenagers because teens can think for themselves. The younger kids will get there too...age 10/11 they will start getting that gut feeling to avoid him but can’t articulate why.

At birth, a parent has 100% influence over a child. That goes right down to zero at age 16. The train has already left the station for your older two and he can’t do a damn thing about it. Cue frustrated anger. And he is really really angry to go on for three days over basically nothing.

Get out for the sake of your own mental health. This kind of stress affects your physical health as well. It may seem a lesser evil than what you have previously escaped, but still be mindful of it. That stress also affects your dc. Getting out will protect their health (mental/physical too) as well.

Good luck.

Oh, you are not stonewalling. You are putting a boundary in place. There is a difference. You are not refusing to speak to punish him. You are placing a boundary to protect yourself from the hammering verbal assaults.

how's it going OP?

Hi
He came in the house, sat down and said nothing, hanging his head in his hands; so I actually had an opportunity to say all the things that had built up, I spoke for a long time.
He responded with lots, we went around in some circles, he threatened counselling I said yes please, he said he'd move it till I sorted it- I said fine he back tracked and said he's stay I could move out, he's going to see a solicitor, I said fine I'd give him details of mine, which he seemed shocked by - I don't have one, but said if he's seeing one I should too ... he back tracked.
He shouted - I shouted back ... I think shocked him. Lots has been said back and forth more calmly. I have said things need to change and if he doesn't accept it he can leave. He said he comes after all the kids and I said yes. But I am a mum that's how it works.
This went on for 4 hours at which point I said I'd had enough and needed a break, he's left to give me some space. I have sat down with the kids and ordered pizza. They have asked questions and I have answered as much as I can, I have said they come first and I mean it.
I am exhausted now, going for a bath and early night. My chest has stopped hurting, my blood pressure is down. I feel raw and tired.

Thank you all out there for your support to me over the last day, it has helped, I am creating a happy family for my children and me, and you guys have a hand in that.

Well done op. That’s very brave of you

Well done ftfwbb. Stick to your guns. He changes or he is out.

Sleep well.

Really really well done you

"He said he comes after all the kids and I said yes."
This is the best bit for me. You have told him where he stands. Just remember that when you are feeling less strong. Your kids come first.

You are fantastic! Well done. I hope you get the happy life you deserve. Your children will be forever grateful for the steps you took and you will look back on today as the day you took control.

I think everyone following this thread will be very proud of you.

Seriously your responses make you a hero! MN should pin your post as a "how to" stand up to a bully!

You are awesome! I’d leave a few coats and socks around just for fun.
Stay strong

Well done op! :)

You are amazing.