Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

"I would truly loved to have the balls to do that, I truly would."

Call Women's Aid, cover your tracks, talk to them. He is controlling and you are clearly very unhappy.

"And if you would come and hold my hand I would give it a go"

Sweetie I'd love to come and hold your hand. Have you any friend who can support you, a colleague or former friend who you can get back in touch with and ask for help from?

"...my older DC have NC with their dad because of DV, which I massively suffered from. I have barely any contact with family as they have pushed me down so far," I am so sorry, this sounds so hard. I think you do REALLY need to speak to Women's Aid and get help fro them.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247 Freephone 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline
Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

Please look at www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

"I am so truly pathetic when it comes to confrontation it is ridiculous." STOP IT. You are not pathetic, you've been ground down by this man and the before, and your family. BUT you can find the strength.

STOP the negative talk, turn each negative to a positive.

"Coming to MN has taken weeks of courage building and yet now I am posting I am feeling stronger!

"But I am here and I know I need to deal and deal with it now." You do, and you can do it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

@Farfel my biggest biggest fear ... and yes I do think it would be a reality.

Like Merry, I too wish my DM had asked me how I felt about my SD, and had done something to make me feel protected and prioritised. 20 years on it still upsets me. You do not want your DCs to live like this, surely. They can't do anything but wait til they can get away. You can do something.

you will lose your kids if you stay with this awful man

All decisions about your kids have to be run past him?

Fuck that and fuck him.

You’ve swapped a category 8 abusive arsehole for a category 4.

Category 1 is still unacceptable.

You don’t do this to your own kids. You just don’t. Where is your MummaBear instinct? Has he lectured that out of you?

He’s awful.

And he won’t ever change. Abusers don’t. He thinks he’s entitled to treat you and the kids with contempt. To keep you all in you place.

Probably going to completely out myself here, I spoke to the big 2 this morning, they are very supportive of any decision I make, DD said when she comes back from Uni she wouldn't stay with me. So pretty much have my answer there. I have my big girl pants on went into work - we work together- he owns the company, I was 10 mins late from talking to the kids- he makes a smart arse remark - today is the first day he's been in before 9.45 this week. He asked if I had thought about anything I said yes, I want to finish up bits of work here and for us to go home and discuss this sensibly - I have been up all night and have it all in my head, so he proceeds to give her a 15 minuet lecture - I timed it! About everything- I said nothing, until he'd finished and then said 'you haven't respected me and the fact I want to discuss this properly, I am going to finish my work and go home, if you want to come and talk about there, feel free but I am not discussing it now.' Apparently I am disrespectful in what I have said and he's stormed off.

He sounds EXACTLY like how my step-dad was to me when I was in my teens.

Yes I think he's bang out of order with the big 2. If he would stop that he would be all round perfect bloke. But he just won't listen to me!

Perfect bloke? He has got rid of all of your friends. He is driving your eldest children away. He has tried to ruin your relationship with them.
Perfect? are you mad?

I’m so sorry. It’s exactly what I would have expected your daughter to say sadly.
As someone else said, you went from a catergory 8 to a 4 bully

Do not think this is in anyway your fault.

They do say that you should never go to therapy with an abuser. And sadly he is an abuser. I fear he will ramp it up as he feels he’s losing his grip.

Try and get some rest and get your head clear. I think your daughter has made it clear the damage is done. I doubt even if he changed (which I don’t think he will) that she would want to come home when she’s at university.

He’s never going to see that he’s wrong, abusing bullies don’t.

Make sure you have all of your computer and mumsnet logins on lockdown. You do not want him to find this.

Sending you lots of Internet stranger support x

And maybe you might want to get this moved to relationships. MN can do it for you if you email them, lots of really good help there and people who have been through similar situations, still lots of traffic.

He's stormed off because he can sense he may have pushed you too far and not in the direction he was hoping for!

@CommanderDaisy is so right.
"Choose your battles"
"He's massively overreacting about the small stuff, and when a large more serious issue arises - no one will ever listen to him because he has drained all their interest by banging on like a knob."

I suggested counselling before but now I think I agree with @Huntinginthedark

"They do say that you should never go to therapy with an abuser. And sadly he is an abuser. I fear he will ramp it up as he feels he’s losing his grip."

I do not feel this is your fault at all OP you were probably so happy to find a man who was not exactly like your ex, but your husband has treated you so badly, he is hurting you in a different way.

100% agree Make sure you have all of your computer and mumsnet logins on lockdown. You do not want him to find this.

My mother was in a physically abusive marriage and now she chooses to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive one. I tell her constantly how it has-and continues to-damage me, and have offered to help her escape many times. She doesn’t give a fuck, there’s only so long you can choose to stay in a sham relationship because you’re (general you) ‘scared’ or whatever, before it just becomes apparent that you’re choosing your shitty lover over your kids who don’t have the ability to escape your crap choices.
I have nothing to do with my mother or her choice of husband now, I’m hugely damaged by her awful choices and pandering to her scumbag husband, I’m done. I see her a few rimes a month, very briefly, you reap what you sow.

Have deleted all cookies and browsing history of computer, although if if saw it, he may stop to read? I haven't said anything entirely true, and have honest, not strings reactions back. By the by. He's just come back and asked what time he should be home for our talk, I've said 12, so to give me time to feed the littlest.

Thank you all for your support. We'll see what happens next.

*which isn't entirely true.

HAve you never ever said anything about his domineering, grim behaviour towards your kids? If you have not, and he has absolutely zero self awareness, brain, or ability to control his gob, then your chat might come as a total revelation and he’ll change every aspect of his personality instantly. If you have, then you know you this time, he’ll tqlk over you, bluster, flounce, argue back, deflect onto your kids, you, anyone. Same old shite. His thoughts and musings are irrelevent, your job as a parent is to keep your children safe and in a non abusive atmosphere while they are under your care as children.

He likes the little 2 children now because they are pliable and want to please.

This will change as they develop opinions and personalities.

He is trying to parent you as much as he is them.

Well done! Each step being brave and you will feel braver still. You're doing the right thing.

I hope you can get to a resolution without too much difficulty but look at everyone who is here supporting you.

He's a bully. I feel awful for your kids. And for you, you must feel like piggy in the middle. Always trying to keep the peace.

My step dad was/is like this. It damaged my relationship with my mum and I've never, ever forgiven it. I can't forget the feeling of my mum picking a man over me. It was a terrible atmosphere to live in and it changed my life.

I would leave in a heart beat. You sound lovely and you deserve a social life too op.

This sounds so tough on you, and your kids.

What comes across as you post is how much you’re isolated. It seemed bad enough when you said that you’ve lost all your friends but now you say you work together..he’s your boss...he’s got control of your whole life, hasn’t he?

I agree with pp, due to the difficulties you had with your ex, you’ve been fooled into thinking that he’s a good guy. He doesn’t listen to you, he actually refuses to listen to you! That’s not a healthy relationship.

Get yourself sorted, talk to Women’s aid, work out what you’re going to do. Do you all live in his house?

Sweetheart, your daughter has said she is leaving you when she goes to Uni - BECAUSE OF HIM, and how your home lives are so awful.

In my experience, we need a rock bottom, a realisation, a last straw.

This was it for you I think. All you have to do now is to have what your DD said to you on a loop in your head and it will give you the motivation you need. Even the oldest two saying we'll back you whatever you decide is a clear nod in the 'for the love of god mother, get us outta here' direction.

So he has a company/money. GOOD! You can get advice and see what you are entitled to and go for it hell for leather.

You will need all the money you can get while you put your life back to normal.

My ex stole almost my entire life, I had ONE friend, who he tried to get rid of too. I chose her over him. He left. Best day of my life looking back on it - although it was scary at the time.

The house is rented, he wanted to buy but I knew he'd be all over everyone with it, not in my house etc, but he's still like it here, so I was wrong. But at least I can stay.
I bit the bullet and called my mum, made her promise not to say anything to anyone- she has a history. Was nice to be able to vent, she was great.
I just to stop crying- I am dreadful like that. Have bought myself some hot cross buns- will butter both sides so I am strong enough to deal. Feel very shaky and my blood pressure is through the roof and heart pounding. I will deal with this today.

good luck
X

I also lost gave up my job because of my ex and we worked together on a project . OMG it was horrendous! 24 hours a day with him! and this was before we had kids

later he took me to live abroad... 3 years of it. That killed off the rest of my life, I lost my property, my friends, and actually my family too. The only person in my life was my solitary friend, and he tried to get her out of my life too. She is so important to me, even today.

Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends
This is just as worrying as the way he treats the kids.

The house being rented is actually GOOD! it means you can get the fuck out and leave him to it.

You were dead right about the way he would lord it over you all.

My love, I know how scary this is, but when you are through it you will look back and wonder why on earth you didn't do it sooner

Your kids will blossom in DAYS!! not weeks DAYS! it's amazing to watch.

I've seen it with my son, and with friends kids where he was vile to the eldest in favour of his own, i thought my friend would lose them, but they have come back to her now and are really close, because the ex has gone