Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

Gosh I'm so sorry, I really think there's no saving it, he's so stuck in thinking he's right that he won't change! Please leave

Thankyou OP sooo much, after reading your post I stood up to my OH tonight who is much like yours, with my daughter.

@Zazu44 wow, I am so pleased for you both! Wishing you all the best, and here with you.
I keep re-reading this and having it all written down with all the comments is truly helping. I feel like a new person.

Feels scary for the future but we will be fine, a long and bumpy Rd ahead I'm sure, Thankyou again x

He's an authoritarian. I'm glad you're not putting up with his shit now.

The father of my youngest was quite like this. He nearly lost me my job once. I used to work in a supermarket, and on my day off, I did the weekly shop with my mum. He never gave me cash for the shopping because "he didn't have time to go to the bank". Don't know why he couldn't get the cash out of one of the many ATMs he went past every day. So he would give me a blank cheque and his card. Anyway, security saw it on the cameras and hauled me in. Luckily, I got on well with all the staff and when I explained why I was doing that, he was understanding and just told me it had to stop.
When my ex got home that night, I laid into him about it. I was doing that job because he'd insisted I got a job outside the home (I had been working as a childminder) and his actions nearly caused me to lose it. He managed to give me cash after that.
He insisted on a lot of things and I grew to dislike him intensely.

Zazu44 well done! The road will be bumpy, but you'll feel so much better.

Im going to "report" this to MNHQ to see if it can somehow be pinned or something.

So little update, I spent a lovely day on Saturday with DD's sorting bits and pieces out, a long heart to heart with eldest DD and her wishes wants etc. Then again yesterday we got out for the day to blow the cobwebs away and a bit of a break from the intensity of what has been happening at home. DS has been out with mates, xboxing and wanting lifts here there and everywhere- which I have been doing, a lovely change for him rather than walking 3/4 miles in the back of beyond, as 'he needs to be independent'. I am in the process of booking a councillor, for me at the moment, but possibly the bigger 2 children may benefit from seeing them too. We'll see how it goes. I feel so much clearer and more positive. Long may this last.

Not sure what you mean by pinning the post? Am still relatively new to MN.

Just getting them out of there will help them greatly.

You need to focus on getting your family fixed, getting him away from you all.

A counsellor may help you, but make sure that they understand the abuse dynamic. If I were you I'd get out of there first, any way you can, and you can sort the counsellor out afterwards when you are living in a free, safe and healthy atmosphere.

I'd also look into the Freedom Programme. You can do it online, but it's FAR more effective in person. It's free too.

This is another step for another day - you have to sort you/the kids out first.

Well done so far, you are so strong and you know what to do now.

He sounds like a dictator. I couldn't live like this again. That's why I am NC with my dad.

It's horrible, your children will hate him.

Not sure what you mean by pinning the post? Am still relatively new to MN.

I asked if it could be highlighted or something to help future posters x

I'm a SM and am also quite a stickler for manners, following the house rules etc. The difference is though they are house rules of behaviours that everyone has agreed are appropriate - not one person dictating to the others. If my SC disagree with something I say because they think I am being unfair to them, they know they can approach me about it - and they do. I back up DP - he does the vast majority of the discipline as after all they are his DC. I will get involved if they are behaving in a dangerous manner, but the majority of the time a "What would you dad say if he was here?" is enough to make them rethink, and if he is there then I don't even get involved.

Having a hands off approach has meant that I have a really good relationship with my DSC and when I do feel the need to intervene it is heard, and respected.

Your husband is vastly overstepping.

Another thing - do not disrupt the childrens' lives by moving yourself. He needs is the one who needs to leave. He doesn't have any hold on the property - he can easily rent somewhere else. He is outnumbered 5:1 - he goes...

You write, "He hates people coming over....I don't have friends anymore to talk it through with.....I do feel battered down by the constant words". Your DH sounds controlling, and violent-(domestic violence is not always necessarily physical). Have you suggested marriage counseling to him? You need to take steps to preserve your sanity and your children's well being.

Have you suggested marriage counseling to him?

That's not a good idea.