Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

Genuinely think about this:
Child makes snarky comment about a stupid question
Steparent takes away xbox.

How is that a normal level of punishment, and then YOU get punished for it too. Hours of interrogating and lectures.

This is SO far from normal. I know he’s it hitting them, but honestly if you told me he was I would not be surprised

*i know he’s Not hitting them
It should say! I don’t actually know your DH!!

The horrific thing is if I could just talk to him, explain how unhappy I am, how doing such small things to change the dynamic of the house, it would help everyone. But he says he feels like they don't do anything he says so feels like one of the children and they have no respect for him as he thinks they view him that way - which is hog wash because they feel he doesn't respect me and any decisions made have to run past him - such as can they go for a sleep over I can't make a snap decision and have to say 'I'll think about it' and ask him. Then we have 'well do you think they've deserved it, did he tidy his room when I asked? Did she do so and so?'

No he doesn't hit them, or me.

Ok. My son is still very young so we’ve not anything like this to deal with.

But I’m telling you now, a normal reaction is not your husbands.

My DH (who is no paragon) would come in, see the coat, pick it up, say ‘DS - try and remember not to leave the coat on the floor, you know how much I hate it. Oooh, Maths? Let me know if you need a hand or want me to look over anything’.

I’ve been with my DH 12 years, we’ve had some rocky times, stuff to work through etc and have never argued about anything for 3 days.

You say you can’t discuss it with the children, but actually you can in way. Have you asked them how they feel? If they’re happy at home? How they feel about their step-dad? A really honest and safe conversation?

I wish my mum had asked me and cared about the answer whilst I lived in my shitty house in the middle of their shitty relationship.

I am also very conscious of the very loving relationship he has with the younger 2, and how this does affect them.
Not thinking for one second I could ever pick anyone of my children over another.

the more I read this. The more shocking it is.
You will 100% lose your children if you stay like this.
It’s total control. Who the fuck does he think he is. You can’t even make an adult decision about your children without asking his permission
Honestly. This is giving me massive rage.

I spent a long time with someone like that, it’s basically abusive and NOT NORMAL.
I couldn’t even see it until at least a year after I had left.

And so he’s already set up the golden children and the scapegoats??

@Merryoldgoat I have asked DD17, she despairs of the whole situation. She doesn't like him, I will be honest she's a bit of an odd fish and admits she doesn't really like many people. DS is a closed book in that he is happiest when everyone else is happy, but hates to open up. DD10 love DH but won't call him 'Dad'.

I have been buy myself and was massively happy, so not afraid to be alone. Yes I think he's bang out of order with the big 2. If he would stop that he would be all round perfect bloke. But he just won't listen to me!

I think as pathetic as it sounds I need to write him a letter to explain everything I feel, he then can't interrupt me and sideline me. And see what his reaction is to it. But this can't continue. We have no family life, and friends have all gone.

Thank you all for your comments, it has helped a lot.

Why aren’t you fucking furious? A letter?

What would happen if you sat down and said ‘you are making our lives miserable. I want a divorce and we’re moving out unless there are major and SUSTAINED changes in YOUR behaviour starting tomorrow’?

And people CAN change if they want to. I used to shout too much in frustration with my son and took myself in hand. I didn’t realise I was a summer until my DH told me how he hates it. I hadn’t realised and so I made some changes. I’m not perfect but I’m self aware. And I made those changes because my DH and DS are the single most important things in my life and a happy family for ALL of us is the big goal.

Your DH patently only cares about himself.

Sulker, not summer. Fucking autocorrect

And she might be a bit odd but it’s pretty important she likes her step-dad isn’t it?

Of course your kids are trying to like him: they're terrified not to!
Kids learn not to rock the boat too much in situations where someone has then walking on egg shells!!!

@Merryoldgoat I would truly loved to have the balls to do that, I truly would. And if you would come and hold my hand I would give it a go, but I will be honest my older DC have NC with their dad because of DV, which I massively suffered from. I have barely any contact with family as they have pushed me down so far, I am so truly pathetic when it comes to confrontation it is ridiculous. That is one of my massive failures. Coming to MN has taken weeks of courage building. But I am here and I know I need to deal and deal with it now.

Writing a letter because you have no voice just feels like more eggshell walking to me...

I will come and hold your hand! And I’ll take you for a drink afterwards!

I haven’t experienced DV so I won’t pretend to know what it’s like, but I know about family who can grind you the fuck down.

Think seriously about what support you think you need to make yourself and your children happy and then make plans to get it. Counselling, confidence, money etc. As I said, I’ve not been in an abusive relationship but I know you can escape. You’ve survived much worse that this shitty man, you can do it.

A letter? Have a word with yourself! This man is a horrible bully and your children are suffering. And you are letting him get away with it! A letter isn't going to cut it I'm afraid. You need to put your big girl pants on. I'd go fucking ballistic at him and lay it on the line that he does not get to treat the children like that. Either he cuts it out, or he moves out. This man isn't going to make any of you happy I'm afraid.

Oh op
Sending you
Glad you’re talking.
I feel so sorry for you all. It’s no fun bring the golden children too.
You don’t want your children to leave and never want to come home.
You’re going to have to stop being passive

Thank you
I am going to read through this tomorrow and I will act, I have to. I will talk. If he does love me and then then he will listen, if he wants it all his own way, he can have it without hurting my children, I am all they have and I them.

@ftfwbb

Well the good news is, your kids sound amazing, Really brilliant. Well done.

"I don't trust my own judgment anymore." Why not? Has your dh ground down your sense of yourself and your own worth, or has something else?

"I don't have friends anymore to talk it through with." why not?

"I can't discuss this with my children." Why not?

"I am at a loss." Do you feel depressed?

"Am I the unreasonable one, is he? I don't know anymore." He is.

I would take him out for a coffee, public place, tell him how unhappy you feel and ask if you can go to counselling together.

If he said no, I would go to counselling alone and work out if I wanted the rest of my life to be like this.

Plus I would walk away whenever he started lecturing me.

I agree with Huntinginthedark "the more I read this. The more shocking it is.
You will 100% lose your children if you stay like this.
It’s total control."

"I think as pathetic as it sounds I need to write him a letter to explain everything I feel, he then can't interrupt me and sideline me. And see what his reaction is to it. But this can't continue. We have no family life, and friends have all gone." I do not think a letter sounds pathetic at all, I think he does mean he will not interrupt you.

"Choose your battles" was one of the best pieces of advice re parenting a teen that I ever received.
He needs to learn this coz he's really picking the wrong ones.
He's massively overreacting about the small stuff, and when a large more serious issue arises - no one will ever listen to him because he has drained all their interest by banging on like a knob.

This must be awful, and I don't wonder your kids have no respect for him.

You are sociable but now you have no friends - once the kids have left the house, will you be isolated from them too?