Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

Don't be sorry, op. It's great to see you moving on, analysing and thinking clearly.

Having been in a similar-sounding relationship, I think it's very hard to see what's going on when you are still in the middle of it all. Definitely think about a temporary separation to clear your head a bit more - he is very much messing with your mind with his behaviour at the moment.

Oh, and I'd be getting that Xbox cable back. Ignoring everything else that's going on, the balance of power in your household needs to be tipped back a bit more in your and your dcs direction!

Buy a new cable for your son's X box.

I'm proud of you OP. Standing up to close relatives and family is much harder than standing up to strangers.

I'd maybe invite him to listen to the silence of the house, that's what ahead of him if his behaviour and attitudes aren't addressed.

Good luck OP. We are thinking of you go get a bun and dairy milk.

Well done OP. Stick to your guns, don't let him undermine your determination. All of his behaviour is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You have suffered DV before and were no doubt on the lookout for that sort of behaviour but EA is just as bad. Had a read up about EA and Narcissistic tendencies. From your account it sounds like he has pushed away all of your friends and would do the same to your DC's and then any vestiges of the nice guy you thought he was would have vanished completely. As pp say he is great with the little ones as they are compliant but once the 10 year old started to develop more independence and character his love will diminish at amazing speed. Please don't allow him to convince you that he can change he is currently sulking because you won't back down. Not a nice characteristic in a man at all.

Grrr so cross again! Was brave and asked where the leads were (I need to stop avoiding things) he asked if I was giving them back right now, I said no - I want DS room tidied and half hour revision done (40 mins total didn't say this to him). He said so he doesn't need to say sorry to me? He's showing me no respect. I asked him again Do you want respect 'yes', do they respect you 'no' do I? 'No'. Do they respect me ' yes' - your way clearly hasn't worked!
He said that this is because I teach them not to respect him by going against his wishes! OMFG! I said but what if I don't agree with what your wishes are am I blindly meant to back you up? He said well I all want is the best for them and your teaching them to disrespect me.
Now he's saying he's right, so I said so I am wrong, he said well either he's right and I'm wrong or I'm wrong or he's right. But he's not wrong. That we need to book a councillor.
I can't continue to live like this for how long.
I am getting my ducks in a row ...
so cross!

I would say don't get sucked in to this kind of long, self-justifying (on his part) type of conversation. You will never win. Just calmly ask for it back and refuse to discuss it any further. If he starts with his twatty comments about "respect" just walk away and buy a new cable.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to get drawn in to a long " discussion" with this master manipulator.

Oh I have the cable back. I am at the end of my tether though.
I can't continue to live with this atmosphere and I am an adult, my poor DC!
So difficult not to be drawn into conversation! Especially when I am trying to be heard! But I know it's useless and he's not interested in listening to me, as far as he's concerned he's right i'm wrong.

He’s dug himself into a hole. He was annoyed by your ds’s backchat and felt you let that go. Although why he felt the need to poke his nose in in the first place is a bit odd.
When my ds is rude/sarcastic I will pick up on it but removing Xbox is way ott - but if he feels he’s not getting noticed/respected he’s gone big.
I think you do need a chat and try to agree your expectations of the children and sanctions.
Talk first about expectations. I have to remind myself that children and teens usually could not give a shit about having a tidy room. It is my priorities being imposed onto them (as well as a need to instil in them good habits. But I think often it just comes with age). Talk through what actually is so important and what is really not worth the hassle. Maybe communal areas have to be tidy and dirty pots have to be brought down when asked straight away. Apart from that the door gets closed on it.

Try and agree sanctions. Smaller sanctions are much easier for everyone.

I do think you need to talk to him and not just avoid the issue.

How are you on the practicalities OP?

Do you have your own single named accounts? Does he know the passwords/pins/where the cards are?

There is no negotiating or couple counselling that will work on this issue. He needs to move out because he is making you all unhappy and continues to behave the same way even though you have told him this. If one day after extensive therapy he finally accepts he is a controlling c—t you still won’t owe him a relationship.

I have tried talking to him about sanctions, even when DS has been rude with what resulted in the Xbox removal, he heard me tell him off for his attitude, but that apparently isn't enough. He goes ridiculously ott on punishments- DS caught watching TV at about midnight on school night, so Xbox and tv removed until ' He'd learnt lesson'. What the hell does that mean - when we know he won't do it again ... erm he has no TV of course he won't do it again! They lost front door keys, so they been removed permanently... ridiculous! DD 'expects lifts' to school - so now she's not allowed them ... ridiculous, if I disagree them I am not backing him up. She went through being a vegetarian for a while that annoyed him, she knew this and as an off the cuff remark said she knew it annoyed him so would continue to do it even when she'd gone off the idea, I wasn't allowed to buy vegetarian alternatives, or prepare anything different for her she was just allowed the vegetables we were having with our meals. The lists go on and I am rambling. I think I've reached a limit now.

I have personal accounts which he has no access to, currently organising a loan so I can leave if needed.

I agree that counselling would be a terrible idea and he just wants to do it to use it as a stick to beat you with. He will probably paint himself as the victim, he has NO interest in your POV or feelings so counselling is not really appropriate

Also:
He.does.not.like.your.kids
Theres no counselling that'll fix that!

This "I do things for their own good" is just him channelling his distain for them into actions he can justify and feel superior about.

He does not like them. Im sorry x

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this, @ftfwbb I agree with PPs that counselling won't work because he's abusive to you and your DC. It's good that you're preparing to leave him. The way he treats your DC is really not ok.

He sounds worse and worse with every post you write, OP. That thing with the open-ended punishment, that thing with the keys - your kids are not allowed a single moment of imperfection. He is a dictator. I would describe his behaviour to him as abusive. As for not allowing your DD vegetarian alternatives - words fail. My DD1 is vegetarian, has been for almost two years now. We supported her choice from day 1 and would not have mocked her if she had changed her mind. And cooking vegetarian alternatives means making sure she is getting good nutrition - clearly your H isn't interested in that.

You really need to get rid of this waste of breathable air.

He has shown, without a doubt, that he doesn’t get it. The black and white thinking is a crutch to lean on when there is zero social intelligence present. He has no humility, no empathy, no consideration for others; it is all about him saving face for his ego needs.

The Great I Am has found his foundation to be on shifting sand. He will argue his point until it wears you down into submitting to just shut him up. A common strategy, perhaps the only strategy he has left.

Don’t engage unless he is crawling to you begging forgiveness...and the window for accepting that is rapidly closing.

It is time to emotionally disconnect. You were there the other day when you said he was upset and you said that is his call. Stop caring. It will get you nothing but frustrated anger- stress you do not need. The holy grail is indifference. This is the perfect time for the most irritating word: whatever”. He is “right” (on his planet)- whatever. He is blowing a head gasket- whatever. He threatens suicide- whatever (then call it in).

I would buy your ds a brand new state of the art gaming system as a way of apology.
Your dd could get a new wardrobe for university. These things are portable in case you are the one to move. If he goes (and I doubt very much he will as that would give up his leverage) then a room makeover for ds&dd would be nice (and encourage dd to come home on break ). Yeah, spoil your dc for a bit, just because.

Agree with PP, he sounds like an absolute bastard who does not like your children. They could be the best behaved children on earth and he would still find something to punish them for.

Personally I think you should have given back the xbox without any conditions attached but I understand you couldn't (yet)

You need to leave.

X-post. No. There is no tolerating any form of this bloke. I agree- he hates your kids. I would dare say he hates people in general.

Do a Katie Holmes-make your plans privately, then one day do it.

Good luck! I’m thinking of you and hoping the best for you.

Oh OK. No he’s just a controlling bully really.

Well I was already convinced of his abusive and bullying behaviour, but then I read this..

She went through being a vegetarian for a while that annoyed him, she knew this and as an off the cuff remark said she knew it annoyed him so would continue to do it even when she'd gone off the idea, I wasn't allowed to buy vegetarian alternatives, or prepare anything different for her she was just allowed the vegetables we were having with our meals

So he denied a child proper fucking nutrition??
Just to control the situation??

He's a horrible abusive arsehole.

I know you are already, but for the sake of your kids and yourself you need to get the hell away from him.

He won't change.

He's controlling and horribly abusive, and all your kids will be damaged by him.

I know how hard it is, I was in a horribly abusive relationship.

Good luck.

Keep strong and safe op.

He will neve change. He’s sees no reason to. He thinks he’s perfect and everyone else fails to measure up! Please, please get yourself organised and get you and your kids out of there.

He’s actually cruel to your kids! Because he wants to be.

I see the scales have well and truly falling from your eyes. Prepare yourself get things sorted and get him out of your life

What is it to do with him what vegetarian food your DD eats anyway? He should not be trying to dictate to you on this at all.

My heart is breaking for you and your DC OP. I'm so glad you've seen the truth about this abusive man. Don't back down, you're definitely doing the right thing. It won't be easy to disentangle yourself from this relationship, things will be hard for you but the end result will be so worth it.

Wishing you all the very best OP