Am I stonewalling?

[ftfwbb]

But if history- DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 3; DD17,DS15 and DD10 mine from previous relationship, DD 1 together. He has very set ideas about how life should be, nothing unreasonable, kids behave, get treats for good behaviour, respect adults etc etc. They must do chores, and whilst I am at work in holidays they should (big 2) clean the house- hoover clean up after themselves. Nothing untoward. He hates people coming over, I was very sociable before, now no friends.
We both work very hard for the family, he supports all DC without question, the are NC with father - court ordered.
Problem I have is he doesn't stop talking about 'issues' and I can't take it as he will not listen to me at all.
Last week DS was doing homework in the dining room- getting him to do it is a struggle, I have to make him, he'd left his coat on the dining room floor, DH came in 'I'm going to throw this in the bin, can't you put things away' so on and do forth, told him to leave it, DS will pick it up after homework and put away, we end up in a row, how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it. (2 glasses, a couple of pieces of rubbish on the floor and some dirty socks). I am disrespecting his thought don't back him up so on and so on.
I wanted DS to do homework, then tidy up after himself, yes it take badgering on my part, I make him tidy his room before going out with friends, homework is a massive issue, but we're getting there.
Later in the evening DS doing maths, DH asks are you meant to use a calculator, DS with bit of attitude says 'It's maths?'. DH takes XBox of DS and hasn't spoken to him since, this was last Wednesday. He keeps asking me what I am doing about it, him and his attitude. I am at a loss. I feel he need to pick battles and has completely over reacted. But I can't get a word in edgewise to say so, we did speak most of weekend because I am not shorting him, I am developing a problem because I am not dealing with the issues. He's disrespected in his house, he only wants what best for us so on and so on - for days!
This evening at 11pm I said I am going to bed, he said what are we doing about DS and his behaviour/ attitude I said we'd speak tomorrow I am tired, on and on and on he went. I have gotten to a point if I say anything contrary to what he says because we have to argue over it for 3 days I just agree with everything, but even then I am wrong because I haven't dealt with the issue (I sat and watched TV with DS, so have not back DH up) when I ask what he wants me to do I am being unreasonable. And so on and so on. I have got to the point I can't listen to the lectures anymore (neither can the kids- they go on for hours, which is why nobody apologises for rudeness etc).
So I left the room - I had had enough, he won't listen to anything I have to say, so I don't bother, if I try he interrupts me or pulls a face, so I walked out the room. Am I now stonewalling him?

Brilliant job OP. Stick to your guns.

Sounds just like my STBXH - I'm having flashbacks and its not good! You will never be right in his eyes. Never. He's a dysfunctional bully

Wow OP. You have been so brave. You must be feeling relieved and proud that you've managed to have such an effective discussion in which you said what you thought and didn't back down. Hold onto this feeling so you can continue to act courageously.

He sounds horrid-throwing threats at you and then backtracking when you didn’t get upset :(

Is he leaving?

Just read this, OP. You did brilliantly, well done.

It is so easy to move from someone who is abusive in one to someone who is abusive in another way. Isolating you from your friends is a huge red flag.

Forgive me for not reading the whole thread, the opening post was enough for me to comment.
My DS (now 20) has been a difficult kid, not in a crash bang wallop sort of way, just ‘quietly’ difficult. My partner who has know DS from 14, would’ve made life quite difficult had we lived together (we still don’t) because he has very draconian ideas, and lives somewhat in an ‘ideal’ world.

I could not live with the stress of that situation, whether he be the bio parent or not. As a Mum I would always be protective of my kids anyway, but equally I’d know if something needed addressing.

I’d find living in this environment intolerable I’m afraid, id hate my kids to be unhappy

Seems you’re looking out for all the DC, good for you OP. I hope you resolve things amicably

Wow op, you have just done the thing that scared you most you can be REALLY proud of yourself. You shouted back , you stood up for yourself and your kids. Well done x

Oh OP, you brave brave woman. Well done. You're doing the right thing, and I'm in awe of your strength of mind. Bloody well done.

Well done!!! Huge respect.

You are amazing. You are doing the right thing, I am so proud of you.

Do get a solicitor (it will be worth the money) and do talk to Women's Aid and any other organizations you can find. Keep telling him he needs to move out.

Do you have any sense he might become physically violent? Not all abusers will, but if you are concerned about the possibility, make sure you have important papers (passports, birth certificates, etc.) stashed somewhere that you can grab them in a hurry and find a friend or family member would would take you and kids in.

He'll probably give you a big sob story about how hard his life has been and how he's just been trying to do his best and how much you mean to him, you can't do this, blah blah blah. IGNORE IT. They always say that shit. And they always had a million chances before to be a decent human being and a loving partner to you and they blew those chances. You are under no obligation to give him another chance or even to listen to his tedious, headache-inducing rants!!

Well done. Now stay strong and stand up to him. Hie behaviour is not acceptable.

How are things?

FOUR HOURS of that??

The worm has turned now, you know what you are dealing with and have seen his attempts to upset and destabilise you will come at any price.

He needs to leave. You're done here. You and your DC deserve better than this

I feel completely empowered, it's amazing! The struggle with working together, I am trying to get things sorted so I have complete control over myself and the children, which I am achieving. He tried yesterday with the i feel like I am being take for a ride, I think he saw a side of me he's never seen, I was LIVID! And I told him.
So we've had all sorts, he think he needs to see some one so they can listen to him, because all he wants to do is the right thing. I agreed he needs to see someone because he's royal fucking things up and he isn't right.
He's insisting he's black and white about stuff, I told him he talks so much everything is muddy and no one has a blind idea what he's after!
I asked him you want respect 'yes', do they respect you 'no' do I? 'No'. Do they respect me ' yes' - your way clearly hasn't worked!
I told him I won't continue and that's it.
He was massively sorry for himself yesterday- all woe is me.
I went home spent time with the kids, booked a manicure day for me and the girls - never been allowed before. Took kids to school - all off them DD was apparently too rude to take, dear lord it's ridiculous isn't it!!

The kids are brightening, I am lighter - but exhausted, but emotionally feel so much stronger!
He's in cross mode today, fuck him, his call. He's making everyone unhappy including himself- we aren't doing that!

Again thank you, everyday is getting brighter and I feel your handholding in spades!

You weren't allowed to have a manicure? That's not up to him.

I'm so glad you're feeling empowered, your lives will change so much for the better (well, his won't, but that's his own fault!).

I can have manicures as I have said, no problem there, but taking DD was a3 day discussion before whether she deserved it etc, then after 4 day talk about how she'll take advantage of the fact she had had it, not just a manicure- days out etc.

I’m glad you’re seeing the wood for the trees!

I’d like to know what you’re dd had been so rude about she should have been excluded from the manicure. Somehow I doubt it will be much.
I would turn the tables whilst he’s there. Order a pizza and then have a 5 way discussion with the kids in front of him analysing if he deserves any because he’s been moody and rude. Then decide he doesn’t.
Twat

Ah, I see. What a nightmare way to live. She's your daughter, if you don't mind her getting a manicure, you obviously think she hasn't done anything to warrant a punishment of not having one.

Rock on - upwards and onwards.

Fantastic update! I am so happy for you. You are a great role model for your dc.

He’ll be speaking to the hand from now on.

Oh yay, this is such a great turnaround!

Just reading your thread OP and wanted to throw in my love and support. You're brilliant

Stay strong.

how I don't respect him, he's just trying to get thing tidy (he does no housework) how he's told DS to tidy his room 5 days ago he still hasn't done it.

This is at the heart of everything about him. This is why he needs respect all the time, because he knows deep down that there is nothing TO respect. His entire sense of self is tied up in forcing others to give him the respect he cannot give himself.

A grown man who cannot make himself do any housework bullying children to do what he cannot. It isn't just a question of them not respecting him, deep down they must utterly despise him. When you leave him they will relax enough to tell you this. For now they must be terrified that you will go back to supporting him.

You are never going to help him by backing him up in any of this behaviour - it just feeds the madness.

He is broken, OP. I am sorry, it would take years of really intensive therapy to even start to fix what is wrong here. And that won't happen unless it comes from him, from his being truly desperate to heal himself.

Time to look out for yourself and for your children.

My stbxh did this - demanded respect without earning it. I am glad you are standing up for yourself and your DC but I can't really see a future for your H without major therapy.

Have been to the gym this morning and it's given me a huge opportunity to have a think, I find it a real head clearer. So he's just carrying on as normal, ignoring the kids, shutting himself in the sitting room looking ever so sorry for himself, saying he's thinking. Hold up! Whenever anyone else does anything wrong, he says unless you change your ways, sorry means nothing ... well that's exactly what he's doing!
I am still too afraid of the lecture to ask where DS Xbox cable is, pathetic I know.

But am going to say to 'D'H I see a change in the next 24hours where he's making efforts, or one of us moves out, he can move out with a view to repairing our relationship, or I move with kids and we're done, finito!

Sorry for keeping on with my ramblings... as I say just me and my kiddos.