Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

Glad it's sorted OP!

That's good to hear, OP. I'm glad you both will be able to work things out.

I would say. That he can go and find a better place, to live after that comment.

Thanks Lemon.

I cross-posted with Merville and Sparkletastic. Massive truth in what you said. I don't think I could have got past it if he'd done the usual. The fact that he didn't - that he showed he's capable of much better means the world to me. It's almost been a good thing for our relationship (weird!).

I studied Enginnering in college which was obviously completely male dominated. I guess in a way I spent many of those most sexually exploring years as one of the “lads” lucky me. From my experience of that (admittedly not a representative subset of all of males in society but howandever) I have come to the conclusion firstly there are an awful lot of really fabulous men, respectful, kind considerate, hard working genuinely lovely men. I am going to put a guess on this at about 50%.

There are also a cohort of misogynist assholes (my non statistical estimate is about 30%) who spend their time disrespecting women.

The really good ones never engage in this behaviour even though it is constantly going on around them. The bad ones constantly engage in misogynistic behaviour.

Then there are a perpherial few men who get drawn in from time to time into the banter but don’t really believe a word of it (the last 20%).

There is a sizeable minority of truely vile men out there but they are a minority IME and I would genuinely be shocked if you did not have a few other red flags along the way if your DH is one of them. Have you? If not my guess is your DH is one of the banterers and while still his words are absolutely vile and disrespectful but at least you have something to work with to try to get things back on track.

One thing I'll say OP is don't be afraid to bring it up when it comes back to your mind and you're upset. Part of healing from this will be you being open with him when it hurts and him comforting and reassuring you, that's the least he can do and a red flag if he gets defensive or tries to tell you to stop bringing it up. I would be surprised if some of the comments don't come back to haunt you for some time (the saggy tits one is vile and would make it difficult to be naked around him for me). It sounds like you're confident you can get through this and are on a high from 'solving' the issue and enjoying renewed closeness and honesty but there will be days when that wears off and what he said and did hits you hard again.

I think you're spot on, Yellowshadeofgreen - although I might argue that the percentage of men who occasionally act the sexist or misogynist (especially in exclusively male company) but don't believe what they're saying might be bigger than 20%.

LemonShark, I take your point. If he hurts me, I'll tell him from here on out and expect him to acknowledge, apologise and avoid it in future -
clearly he's able to, even if I've only just learnt this 20 years in.

As for this situation making me feel hurt in the future, I don't know if that's going to happen: this might be either the high of 'solving' the issue as you say, ridiculous deflection on my part or me being an utter doormat, but now he's explained himself, the sting has really gone out of the words. He acted in a really negligent way in respect of my feelings, but he said (and I believe) that he essentially wasn't writing as him, or about me - it was 'H the Tech Pig' mocking 'Ball & Chain Saggy Tits Wife'. Definitely a dangerous and pathetic thing to do, but if you view it as characters rather than his true self and real feelings, it makes more sense to me - especially given how good many aspects of our relationship are and how this whole debacle didn't fit in. We both have plenty of faults and annoy each other, but the guts of our relationship are good.

And frankly, my boobs might not be what they were, but he can like 'em or lump 'em. I was more hurt by the 'fuck you finger' comment - there was a certain viciousness about it, which I specifically asked him about. He couldn't defend it, but then on the other hand, I can't say I've never made the same gesture to his departing back when really frustrated .

I don't want to brush this under the rug and make excuses for him, so I'll keep what you've said in mind and speak up if he gives me reason to feel differently. I swear you never really know people, do you?

Glad it’s sorted OP and that he’s take. Responsibility for it

Glad the discussion went better than you thought it would OP. Abject shame seems like the only appropriate response he could make. He's certainly got a lot of thinking to do and you will perhaps see him through a different filter now. One thing that you said struck me about him not really having any RL friends. Perhaps if he surrounded himself with some better examples of mankind he wouldn't have been so drawn in to that online world?

I can see how your marriage could benefit from this OP. You have taken back a bit of power and that can only be a good thing! Showing remorse is a huge thing after something like this. So many men just launch into defensive crap that this is refreshing to read. Good luck with the future.

I'm so glad it is sorted out and that the two of you are doing well.

Well, I'd be worried that you've forgiven him far too quickly and easily. Not much of a deterrent to stop him from slipping back and doing this again. It wasn't just funny Banter. I think I would have kicked him out tbh. I have a feeling that his words won't be easily forgotten. I'm happy that you're happy though.

That all sounds positive the only exception being I would only take it forward if he didn’t go back to being a chatty member of that forum. I’d want that persona gone.

Thanks all. If I'd spoken to one friend about this instead, I'd never have got the wisdom and breadth of views I have on this thread.

I understand why you'd think that, Husky. I'm absolutely certain I'd think the same if I read this thread and wasn't in the relationship. To me, his explanation made so much sense, whereas before we'd talked, his behaviour really, really didn't make any sense. We're a 20 year team - we still laugh at stupid stuff and love spending time together.

And I really can't emphasise enough how well he handled it. Which when you're generally crap at taking responsibility, means all the more.

Unarguably, the stuff he wrote was horrible, but more so if he actually meant it about me, plus there's context which we talked about last night (yep, he squirmed through every post to explain what he could of them). The one about a 'divorce fund', for example: that was in response to a guy who was complaining that his family finances meant he had to clear tech purchases with his wife, and she didn't 'let' him buy things. On that forum, they throw around the phrase "that's grounds for divorce" over the most ridiculous stuff e.g. wife not caring about one phone model over another etc. - a bit like 'LTB' on here when it's meant as a joke rather than seriously. So yes, it was a grim thing to say, but H didn't literally mean he has a divorce fund himself. Anyway, it's just an example that there was some context which I didn't pick up at the time - not excusing the bollocks he came out with and how hurtful I found it. But I honestly believe his failing here was stupidity, negligence and immaturity, not spite.

I probably am forgiving him too quickly in one sense. My mother was one to ignore me for days or even weeks for minor offences, despite multiple apologies, and I'll never forget how that made me feel. So if someone I'm close to screws up but takes responsibility and genuinely apologises, I make a point of accepting it and moving on, probably too fast. For what it's worth, he said I should read anything he posts or has posted on that forum or any other, and would share his email accounts with me if I wanted - I appreciated the gesture, but it's enough in itself.

I don't believe he'll do it again. Not because he might expect me to look - hopefully because he's genuinely sorry he hurt me and doesn't want to repeat it. That's what I took from his reaction last night.

It's sooo refreshing to read a 'happy' ending or at least a resolution that hasn't resulted in complete misery.

So glad this has been sorted and that it may have even brought you both closer

Hear hear, CabbagePatch. I have been following this thread, and was hoping it would work out ok. So glad to hear it, WishIHadnt.

Genuinely glad you sorted things. I think @yellowshadeofgreen response takes on both sides and is one to be listened to

Really happy for your positive outcome. It's nice to hear 😊

If you’re critical of your spouse you end up looking the tit for being with a loser.

How exactly is this helpful, Browtox?

I think his response is hugely telling too. What he’s said does make sense.

A few high profile men have spoken out recently about the pressure to be laddish and how corrosive it is. Their examples of things they’ve said to fit in - and felt sickened by afterwards - are very similar.

Well done for tackling this so adroitly OP.
I think you’re right and your relationship will be better for it.

Sometimes people exaggerate but none the less these things are hurtful have it out with him he will obvs say he didn't mean it but it's still there as he said it so it's upto u weather u can forgive and move on or leave x

Another mother once said to me, when we were talking about how upsetting it was to have arguments with our toddlers, that "it's how you make repair that matters".

I still think that's so so true, and so wise, in lots of areas of life!

Happy for you and your DH that you've both been able to tackle this and come out on the other side with a deeper understanding and more emotional connection.

Thanks all for the thoughts, input and good wishes.

SleightofMind, that's really interesting re. the 'pressure to be laddish' - like it's some kind of basic bonding ritual! On the other side of the coin, I really felt for PP HarmlessChap who described his wife's office giving him a round of applause. This kind of thing is probably rarely malicious but brings loyalty into question if the partner becomes aware of it - I think that's the most damaging part of it.

MagnaWiles, that quote is brilliant. I'll be passing it on to my kids! Your comment about reaching a deeper understanding/emotional connection strikes a chord too. Despite having been together years, neither of us learned to talk 'feelings' as children and we still struggle with it now - the experience the other night made us address that and made us talk without the usual reticence. Just have to build on that now!