Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

My OH probably knows my username on a forum I use often. I'm auto-logged in on my phone and tablet to it. And while I natter away under that user name, I would rarely if ever, vent about him. If he ever decided to read my messages - and he can- they are on a public forum, that's his prerogative, but while he might not like the occasional mention of an anonymous DP, there is nothing that would be making him rethink what I must feel for him.

I don't understand people who denigrate their partner behind their backs or derive humour from belittling them. It's not witty or clever and it feels very small minded even if it is anonymous venting.

I'm sorry that's happened to you. Don't feel bad for 'snooping' - that's the risk we run when we post publicly. That's a risk he chose to take. I suggest you get screen shots of his messages and have a think what to do next.

I know he's going to say I'm making something out of nothing

So, not only does he say vile things about you, you know him well enough to know, that when confronted, he won't think it's a big deal, or care how upset you are. That in itself, says a lot.

You poor thing. I'd be asking him to leave for a while, perhaps at least then he would get the severity of his actions.

I’m struggling on the part it’s on a public forum- is it really snooping?

Ohcalamity

My ex would belittle and be unkind about me, it took me rather a long time to work out it’s to make him “feel” superior. It’s very sad 😢

Agree with Huskylover him minimising your level of upset/telling you you're making a fuss speaks volumes.

I don't agree with posters who say you are overreacting. I don't think you are at all. I would be utterly blindsided if I found out that my husband was talking about me that way. It's just so different from how he speaks and what he says in real life. He doesn't "do" laddish bantz, neither do I sir and bitch about him over a coffee with friends. It's not how we do things, and public comments about cheating, divorce funds and the state of my boobs- I just can't even imagine it. I too would feel that I didn't know him at all.

I think you need to confront him. You weren't snooping or invading his privacy, you went on a public forum which anyone has a complete right to go on, and you were motivated by concern for his wellbeing. Don't let him turn this around on to you

Yes the OP has a right to go on any forums but there have been many many threads on MN where people have namechanged in case their ‘snoopibg’ soon to be ex partner reads posts. There are frequent posts advising people to delete their history/namechange/log out/lick down their PCs in case anyone reads their posts. The OP’s husband didn’t cover his tracks but if he treats the OP well in real life and her shock and hiurt at reading his posts leads me to believe he does treat her well, that this must be out in perspective.

*lock down

I think you're underreacting if anything!

He has contempt for you. Marriage counsellors often say that while they can deal with most issues in a relationship, one party holding the other in contempt is something that spells the end of a relationship. It's doomed.

I'd print it all out, wait until he's alone and then lay them out on a table in front of him. And stay silent. Let him talk. Stay very quiet and calm. Let him be terrified at how chilled you are and wonder if you're leaving him. Then based on what he says you can do what feels right. I couldn't stay but maybe you can.

Or maybe he'll be relieved it's out in the open so you can divorce as he's so unhappy.

What a prick.

Bibbity sounds like you are well rid of that guy. What a tool.

I agree with Lemon regards printing it all out. However, I'd snoop everything else first, because as soon as he knows that you know, he will start hiding things.

Contempt or laddish?

It isn’t that easy to walk away as a single mum of two from a twelve year relationship, even more so if the OP isnt minted and I’m guessing she isn’t. Only the OP knows what her relationship is like but shouting out divorce him is easy. Living with the aftermath isn’t so easy.

Asking for advice on genuine marriage problems is one thing. I would have had more time for op's husband if that had been the case. After all, all marriages have their problems and people often need advice from somewhere. That's a bit different from making repeated mean, nasty and childish comments about one's spouse, apropos of nothing

Thanks again for your replies, and I'm really sorry to hear others have been through similar or worse.

I don't know what should or will come out of this yet. Only that I feel completely floored - like I've totally misjudged who he is. I'll talk to him tonight and find out whether he simply wants out, or if this is more complicated.

You should confront him but I think when the kids are out the way, whatever you say remember if he says this to total strangers what does he say about to his best mates? Stand up for yourself even if you have low self esteem you need to show your kids what a strong Mum means, no woman deserves to be spoken about like that when she runs the kids house and still goes out to work. Xx

I think you were wrong to snoop. I'm baffled that there are so many posters here on another thread that think someone should leave their spouse if their spouse snoops (because its controlling and abusive), but don't see anything wrong with what you did.

How does he treat you? How does he talk to you? How does he make you feel when you are together?

To me, either you already knew you had serious marriage problems before you saw any of this, or you just can talk to him and ask him to knock it off. I just don't buy that everything was lovely between the two of you before this, but since he joked around about you with his little friends it should now be over.

Gosh my other half is on a hobby related forum, very close to searching his user on there.

Theship you might be right and it is tough to leave but I would rather live in a rotting caravan in a field full of shit than live with a twat that thinks things like this, especially when the OP is busting her arse trying to keep all the plates spinning. There are limits.

I think I was wrong to snoop, but I think he’s a whole lot more wrong to have said what he has, particularly on a public forum. You think me looking at the vile things he’s written about me for anyone to see is abusive? I disagree.

As I’ve said, he’s often great, and equally often hypercritical and negative. That may indicate ‘serious problems in our marriage’, but because it’s always felt like we have a real love and understanding for each other, this has come out of the blue, whether you buy it or not.

You snooped because he was obviously hiding something.

Bastard. I'm sad for you

It’s like reading a diary. Public - no one knows you.
You reap what you sow

You reap what you sow? I deserve the comments then.

OP - if my DH had wrtten that about me I'd have a real issue with it. I'd be very hurt. I don't care if he said he didn't mean it, I'd have those words ringing in my ears At times my DH is an arse, but I tell him that to his face - I wouldn't write anything I wouldn't say to his face, and I expect the same from him.

That's not just being laddy OP, he does hold you in contempt.

Plus the comment about getting some action does make me wonder if he is sleeping around.

If I'd read this about myself I'd sign up to the forum and post equally vile and personal comments about him so that he will recognise himself. but maybe I'm just childish

Of course you don't deserve any of this.

Posters like cod just delight in kicking someone when they're down. And those posts resonate with you because you're attuned to abuse.

Let me tell you loud and clear - what your husband has done is appalling. He sounds weak, immature and deeply unpleasant.

Trust your feelings OP. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, and to any other feelings you're experiencing.

Your husband - and some unkind posters in here - will delight in trying to minimise your experience, but that is because of their misogynistic tendencies and nothing at all to do with you personally.

I'm sorry you've been so hurt and betrayed. I'd really encourage you to find some real life support, and to talk this through with someone other than your husband, someone who actually cares for you.

Ok, so snooping isn't good, but there are times when snooping uncovers something that was so big or horrible that it's better that you found out. I think this is one of those times. At first I thought the comments were perhaps bravado, but there are seemingly so many and each one is truly insulting and horrible, not even remotely jokey. I'd be devastated and livid to read that about me.