Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

No, you’re right. It wouldn’t be ok and I agree that I shouldn’t have done it. If anyone did the same to me though, they wouldn’t find anything like what he’s written time and again.

That's awful. I can't believe anyone could say their husband slagging them off like this on line wouldn't bother them. It's intimate too, he even talks about your breasts.

I also don't think I could come back from that. However I'm the sort of person who would let all our friends know what he did and shame him.

For me, I do think this would spell the end. I'm usually the one on here who tries to see it from both sides and urges caution and patience, but this, no way and no how. It's just too damaging and demeaning.

And who gives a shit if you snooped. There are some real arseholes on here who will bend over backwards to blame the woman. His posts are public. It's not some secret diary for his eyes only.

I will read the other thread, but I don’t see things posted in the public domain as the same as a private journal, email or letter. When you write those things, they’re not intended for an audience of thousands.

Ask him how his divorce fund is coming along.

there's a big difference between snooping in a happy marriage by a loving supportive wife and stalking by a controlling abusive husband as in the other thread, and before anyone says it, it isn't gender.

Everyone has thoughts, private thoughts, and some we share. Everyone has negative thoughts they keep to themselves, it's impossible to have complete transparency. But he has made this public. Why is it ok for everyone other than his wife to read them?

Honestly, after 20 years of being together, I still struggle to understand him. He’s so lovely and funny and kind one minute, and stroppy and shitty and short-tempered the next. My daughter’s started commenting on it.

When he close his browser yesterday, I saw ‘OCD’ on the thread and for a minute, I wondered whether there was something he’s struggling with which explains his moods. That’s what justified looking, from my point of view. When it didn’t immediately turn anything up, I should have stopped looking.

I love that idea Karigan 1 😜👍😆🤭😱
Great advice x

I am going to stick my head above the parapet and say that he has at least been faithful to you for 12 years. It sounds as if he's putting on a laddish persona in that particular geeky/techy context. I think LTB is perhaps a bit extreme in response: perhaps a bit of gentle questioning? Though I am not one for conflict...

"Ask him how his divorce fund is coming along"

This!!

You are NOT overreacting. Those are horrifying things for him to say about you, he has absolutely no respect for you. I'm sorry OP but I would be re-evaluating the whole relationship

Thank you, to everyone who's taken the time to respond to this thread - whether you've echoed my feelings or pulled me up for snooping. I think my head would have exploded if I hadn't been able to get some kind of feedback.

I imagine the partners of many people posting on forums like that and this would be devastated by what has been written, but much of it is venting anonymously. You definitely need a discussion and if he has to realise it's not OK.

However, people vent about their parthers all the time. The women in my DW's office are constantly moaning about their OHs I hear the words useless, lazy, mean etc. repeated from her office gossip frequently. These are not anonymous people they are colleagues and their partners, most of whom have met each other.

I've pulled DW about this, its clear she says things about me to them. One time she text to ask if I'd remembered to do something with regards to dinner that evening. When I said of course I was told that the whole office had given me a round of applause, I was really pissed off by that; it was hugely patronising, I don't have a track record for forgetting things but there was clearly an attitude that I should be congratulated for not having screwed up.

So for those people espousing divorce, can you honestly say you've never said things about your OH, either online or in RL, which could have upset your them if they knew?

Wish That is awful. What a jerk.

HarmlessChap, fair enough, other people do vent, anonymously or otherwise. But I don't. The closest I've come is talking to one of my closest friends about something my husband's done which has upset me, but even then I've never called him things like 'useless, lazy, mean'.

He's grumpy and moody often, to the extent where our 7 yr old daughter has raised it a few times recently, but I don't go to my friends calling him whatever.

I really thought the backbone of our relationship was love, respect and loyalty, but his comments have made me question whether the same is true for him. He seems to have taken opportunities on the forum to bad-mouth and belittle me, even when it's not relevant to the thread - and not said a single positive word. Maybe 'just for a laugh', but if that's how he gets his kicks, he's not the person I thought he was.

I think you should sign up to these forums and masquerade as a fellow chap and join the conversation to get the real truth..

It's more about the deception than the actual comments, as unpleasant as they are.

Had you gone on this site your dh was looking at and found out he was confessing to an affair then you would have reason to be upset/angry

Er, well what do you think this comment was alluding to :

"I've been married 12 years and I'm still getting some action. Just don't tell the wife though. Boom boom!"

He is talking on the forum about how saggy Op's boobs are, how he's getting some action, but not from the Op, how he has a divorce fund, and how stupid she is.

How could anyone minimise this to harmless banter? That's setting the bar "limbo dance" low.

I think it's a scary insight, in to how he is feeling.

Op, I couldn't get past this. Is there a facility on this forum he is on, to send Private Messages? I think I'd be tempted to create a female profile and see if you can strike up a conversation with him....see if he flirts...

Stop apologising for snooping. You had very good reason. Personally, I'd also now be checking all e-mails, texts and every App he has, like FB messenger, snapchat etc. You have a right to self preservation. Knowledge is power. Don't let him pull the rug out from under you.

I'm so sorry, it's rubbish. And how dare he complain about the breasts that fed HIS children? Fucking prick!

Speaking of unpleasant comments, I'm not even sure what this one meant:

[another poster talking about fingerprint sensors on phones]
H in response: "...they could include speed dialling from the lockscreen for different fingers. No bets for which finger my wife would be assigned to."

Presumably his middle finger as in 'fuck you'?

Or possibly a crude sexual ref? Delightful, either way.

Sounds like Fuck You.

Seriously, I'd get snooping everything else you can today.

Are you going to leave him OP? He sounds vile. You could do so much better.

I don't know what to think. He's either two different people, or he's hidden this side of him very well for the past however many years. My daughter's home from school today with a bug, but I'll probably just share this thread with him tonight. That probably sounds weird, but he's very good at deflecting on the rare occasion that I challenge him on anything - I want him to see that it's not just me.