Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

you're attuned to abuse

Based on what? OPer has never said that her DH is ever unkind to her in any way. She said their relationship is fine, and until she snooped, she thought he was her best friend.

The post are out of character for how he treats her to her face. They are banter. They are mean, and they would really upset me if I read them about me. But nothing in these posts indicate that the relationship is abusive.

I feel really sad for you Wish These words are so disrespectful and in no way jokes. What betrayal. What a nasty man he is. Worse, what a nasty man pretending to be otherwise. I am so sorry

Motherofyorkies, you missed all the bits where he is really good at deflecting...

I don't see why people are being mean to the op. I can only assume they are just looking for someone to lash out at due to their own lives. Who the fuck knows.

Public posts are public posts. Why the fuck should everyone else be able to read them and not her. That's not how it works. But I think the have a go folks know that full well. They just want to have a go.

COD has some very strange understated of the hierarchy of bad behaviour, where finding out someone is being awful, is equally as bad as the person being awful. Bit strange, that.

You’re not over reacting, you’re massively under reacting.

He has criticised and condemned you on every count - your body, your personality - and described your relationship as a prison sentence.

Dump the weak and worthless twat. Seriously. How can you even be in the same room as that?

Honestly, I think it’s both. I think he thinks he’s being funny rather than intentionally vicious, but it’s the kernel of contempt that kills me a bit.

Funny?

You’re boring? Comments about your body being inadequate?

Are you a complete doormat?

I've complained about my DH on a private chat forum in the past, and always felt uncomfortable about it - it was usually about a specific issue we were having, but I was never able to fully describe the nuances of the situation and feedback I received was very much one sided against du, which I felt was unfair. But it was my fault opening him up to criticism like that, so I stopped complaining about him online. I feel bad about it, but at least I'm no longer a member there so it's over and done with.

I wouldn't do it again, because the thought of him reading my words and the (harsh) reactions of others would wound him deeply. I regret ever doing it.

If he did come across those threads, I would immediately apologise and make amends as best I could. This is what people who love each other do - when a mistake is made, recompense is offered.

I've never admitted this to dh.

I don’t think any of it’s funny - I imagine that’s what he thinks. I’ll find out shortly. Cheesytoast, you’re right about emotional abuse, but not from my H (in my opinion).

"Wall to wall totty" UGH! If I caught DH saying that he'd be gone.

Here’s my prediction:

He’ll be outraged at your snooping and try to make the conversation about that.

He’ll tell you he was ‘only joking’ and you need to lighten up.

He’ll whine about needing an outlet for his stresses.

Somehow you’ll be the one apologising.

Hope I’m wrong.

He's being an idiot and will be probably be mortified at his insensitivity and betrayal.People often vent for no real reason and don't even believe what they say themselves .My mate was venting about his wife(how he loved her but was no longer in love ).The truth is ,he would be lost without her.

They just want to have a go

No, I'm just trying to make sense of this thread in context of a recent thread where snooping on one's OH's internet posts was considered abusive.

To me, it seems that either snooping is perfectly fine, or it's really not. Because one feels threatened doesn't seem like much of a reason to snoop because a lot of controlling, abusive people feel threatened if they aren't 100% in control and know everything, with the other person have zero space for a private self.

I agree that his comments were quite nasty. I also know that in the past, my DH has joked about me in similar ways and that when I told him how it made me feel, he stopped. He grew up with that sort of talk and hadn't considered how hurtful it was.

good luck op.

Acting like a twat trying to impress his geeky friends. I'm sure he'll be mortified you've seen it. Totally unacceptable though. But not ltb material imo. Have it out with him and DO NOT apologise for snooping. How dare he do this. You have every right to be angry

I've moaned about my XH on mumsnet but never been cruel or mocking. And I can also tell you I never snooped his phone until I had a funny feeling and I did...and I found texts from the OW. Sometimes you have a gut feeling for a reason.

But the fact he shut the laptop sharpish would have any normal thinking person suspicious surely? All these people calling the OP out for snooping. Are you saying you would just let this go? Don't any of you have a spidey sense of self preservation? I would snoop like you did OP and I suspect an awful lot of people would. We all want to check that all is well in our world, it's a natural human instinct and because he is not lovely a 100% of the time, you were led to check. All this you reap what you sow stuff is bollocks in a case like this. Reaping what you sow is not snooping but not finding out the truth and then staying with a bloke who,it seems, can only tolerate his oh so shit life if he has an outlet. Fucks sake.

To me, it seems that either snooping is perfectly fine, or it's really not.

Rubbish. Things just aren't that black and white. Most people would snoop if given reason to. If you thought your dc was getting in with a bad crowd, taking drugs etc - wouldn't you snoop? If you thought your DH/DP was up to something wouldn't you snoop?

But most of us would also think it wasn't fine to snoop on our dc/dh/dp's phone without any reason.

While it’s not nice, I suspect it’s a persona too. A lot of people act differently online, some completely different.

I would of course have a word with him about it, but I’d try to remember some of it could also have been similar to pub talk after a disagreement etc.

If my DH did that I’d probably roll my eyes at him and move on

If my DH did that I’d probably roll my eyes at him and move on

If my DH did that I'd probably roll my eyes and tell him to move on.

Some of the comments are worse than others. I think he’s probably just showing off.
But it’s upsetting for you to think he really means all that stuff.
The worse one for me would be the wall to wall totty. Like he has his beer goggles on as surely not every single girl there can be his type.
Not sure it’s leaving material but it’ll certainly be hard to get past it without saying something.
If it were me I’d have to pull him up on it all

I think how you respond is in no small way connected to how robust your self esteem is. I couldn't tolerate knowing about the contemptuous and misogynistic view expressed about me without taking action. That action would be a no holds barred discussion and if a sincere and heartfelt apology wasn't forthcoming then I would take action to divorce him.

What stands out for me, aside from the comments he posted, is how he manipulates the op when she tries to challenge him on something that's bothered her - dismissal, denial, minimisation .. Actually sounds to me, alongside how she feels she has to keep everything up in the air, and his telling divorce/financial comment - that the relationship is not entirely without abuse & manipulation but op hasn't seen that clearly before (tho she knows she'll 'lose' any attempt to challenge him abt bad behaviour). It's about more than 'just' this forum/venting/persona (?) issue.

Thank you again, all. I spoke to him about it last night, and it was kind of awful and kind of brilliant.

He asked me if I was ok, and I told him what I'd seen. In the first moments, he was confused and a bit defensive (what? when??), so I gave him the printout and he took it away to read it. I fully expected him to come back raging about invasion of privacy, but it was the opposite - I don't think I've ever seen him like he was. He was completely mortified - kind of a bit broken. He said he was so sorry, he meant none of it, it was just a stupid internet persona thing done for 'popularity' on the forum because lots of them make 'wife jokes' in the same vein as 'your mother...'/mother in law jokes and that it was pathetic, misogynistic and that there was no excuse for it. He said it was over months, but that he completely understood how hurtful it must have been to read.

I told him that if there was any part of him which wanted to leave, he should do it, but he swore blind that he loves me, his kids and his life, and that it was a load of posturing nonsense.

I apologised for snooping and invading is privacy, but he wouldn't have any of it. He feels it's a public forum and I've every right to read what he writes there. I still don't entirely agree with that, but the fact that he wasn't throwing it back at me to deflect from his words/how hurt I was meant a great deal.

I get that for some people, none of this would be enough to get past the words he wrote, but for me, it totally is. I don't recall him ever accepting total responsibility like that before - or showing so much empathy instead of getting defensive. And I accept it was a load of screwed up nonsense - it didn't fit with how we are somehow.

Later in the evening, he was hanging his head again and told me that he kept feeling massively protective of me, like someone had done something awful to me - and then remembering it was him and wanting to beat himself up. I still feel a bit battered by the experience, but I think we're good.

Again, thanks - the balance of your views (how awful what he'd done was/how it might be meaningless/whether my snooping was worse) all really, really helped.