Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

Nasty cuntweasel

I’m not sure I could forgive this

What a nasty cunt

However, what comes across in those posts is that he seems boring as fuck. Like he has no life, and all he can talk about is you, like he's trying to relate to other people. He also seems a bit weird, who the fuck says 'totty'?! It seems like something jay from the inbetweeners would say

I bet WishIHadntLooked77 is actually a man who doesn't care for what his woman has posted about him here on Mumsnet.

I've never heard of a man hanging out on message boards and venting about his spouse. Men get caught looking at porn, women get caught venting.

Nope, motherofyorkies, I’m a wife and mother. I know he looks at porn and it’s never bothered me as I thought he was loyal and otherwise respected me.

He’s a great father generally - grumpy at times but otherwise really loving to his kids. And he does plenty at home too. He can be really supportive, kind and romantic, but he can also be terse and snappy. His worse failing (I thought) was being crap at taking responsibility when he messes up and causes hurt. Which is partly why I haven’t brought this up with him already - he’ll get angry and throw it back at me rather than seeing how disrespectful and disloyal it is (in my view at least).

Thanks again for all the food for thought.

I bumped up another thread where women were talking about how they feel when their OH reads their posts.

I've never seen women on here slagging off their partners' bodies or comparing a perfectly normal marriage to a prison sentence.

You aren't being serious? I certainly have seen it many times.

Id end it if I'm honest but then after an extremely shitty relationship with a complete arsehole who used to slag me off to his mates I have a very low threshold for shit like this.
My bar for respect and kindness is now very high so no way would I be putting up with that.
Some may think I'm overreacting but I absolutely demand respect from those I choose to enter into any kind of relationship with or there isn't a relationship to be had.
I give it why would I not expect it.
For me, I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that he had made such personal comments about me and our relationship in either a virtual or rl environment.
How will you honestly feel next time your std and he goes for a feel if your boobs, I know if be conscious of his remarks and I'm sorry but no one gets to make me feel shit about myself and stick around.
Your husband has made derogotory, sexist and damn right insulting remarks about you and your marriage in a completely inappropriate arena, I don't think that's kind or respectful or nowhere near acceptable.

Your dtd not std ....whoops massive typo lol

I think I would find it very difficult to get past this. What he said was so personal and uncalled for. Being annoyed at you after an argument and saying online that you’ve pissed him off is normal. Being critical about your appearance is totally disrespectful. And making out being married to you is like a jail term is uncalled for. Everything he’s said about you is disloyal and that hurts like fuck! Please don’t let him turn this back on you. Stay strong, don’t back down and make his squirm. He should feel ashamed of himself.

You should join the forum and make a user name he would know is yours and givr a few choice words of rebuttal

Did you namechange for this thread so you couldn't be AS and caught out saying things about your DP?

By way of defence, he’ll try to convince me and himself that I’m over-reacting about a load of ‘jokey’ comments - sod how terrible I feel.

I suppose it was all such a shock to read (given how good I thought we were), it’s making me question everything. Does he really think this stuff? Does he really want out? Is he seeing other people? Fuck knows.

Harvey, I have to admit I haven’t posted on here for a few years. I got a bit miffed with AIBU and left .

I can honestly say that I’ve never criticised him on a forum.

Well, until this thread, obviously!

If you’re critical of your spouse you end up looking the tit for being with a loser.

How upsetting for you to read those things, OP! I think in your situation I would sit him down and explain very calmly why you looked at the boards and what you found, and tell him how hurtful it was for you. IME getting angry or playing tit-for-tat just gives the other person a reason to get angry back, but saying "this was unkind and made me feel like x, y, z" takes the wind out of their sails and allows for a more productive conversation. Particularly if you generally have a good relationship and consider each other friends as well as partners.

I wouldn’t be able to get past it

I think he sounds awful but you know him best. I’d be hurt and furious and I wouldn’t be able to resist calling him out. IMO him slamming his laptop shut was what prompted you - rightly - to snoop so don’t let that divert you.

“Yes. I did snoop. That was wrong. I apologise. Now let’s get back to the real issue of you apparently seeing me as a stupid, saggy ball and chain”.

I don't know. They don't seem that bad to me. I've thought worse about a partner. I mean, they're not nice to read in one go but presumably they were posted over a period of months. They just seem like routine grumbles to me.

I would be hurt.

But I'd struggle more with my partner hacking my account and invading my privacy.

It’s fair criticism, Harvey, but I didn’t hack his account. I searched his username, which he hasn’t hidden from me. And as others have said, it’s not privacy when he’s sharing these thoughts with the web.

You said you 'guessed his username' then accessed his posts. Would it be okay if someone at work did that to you? Or your sister or friend did?

And putting it on the web anonymously is very different to having someone who knows it is you read your private thoughts. We don't use our real names on MN for a reason!

Looks at porn but otherwise respects you
Working my arse off

Does he respect the fact your tits aren't what they were before you had his children, or have respect for you because you work your arse off so he can get by? No. Does he respect the women he sees in porn because they have great tits? No.

I'd just tell him now I'm giving up work to look after myself and my looks, and his children and get him to sign over a few grand for a boob job. Men who expect to live off the earnings of a woman, expect their wives to work their arses off, play lip service to equality because 1) we have been sold the lie that work is the key to forcing men to accept our equality, whilst on a cultural level these men do not see us as equal. 2) pornography undermines equality, but also reflects the fact men only see us as the sex class, mother or whore 3) men believe two types of women exist, they have no respect for either sexy young whores, or mothers who work their arses off.

Mens wages have halved under advanced capitalism since the 70s in real terms. That Is how liberal democratic reforms have responded to middle class white feminist demands. So, who is the super exploited class now? And he has the audacity to say he's on a 12 year stretch if you really boil it down to it's bare bones you "keep" him and offer sexual and domestic services. No wonder your tits are where they are, your breaking your back!

Two wages are required to keep a roof over his childrens head, and his, and I'd be reminding him of this. I'd also be pointing out that his life would be far less comfortable once he's on a mates sofa paying maintenance.

Utter scumbag. I'm not sure I could get over some of those comments

I guessed his username and searched his posts

You stalked him to see what he was up to, which is really bad behavior.

It's a bit like reading someone's journal and then being annoyed at them. Did you read the other thread yet, where posters said what they thought of people who do this type of snooping?