Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Snooped

198 replies

WishIHadntLooked77 · 04/02/2018 18:41

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/02/2018 20:01

I'd really struggle to stay committed in the marriage after those comments tbh.

Not saying I'd leave immediately...but my mind would start to wonder.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2018 20:04

I've never seen women on here slagging off their partners' bodies

I have. Usually saying he's overweight and isn't attractive anymore.

Karigan1 · 04/02/2018 20:04

Join the site under a username and simply put under one of the worst ones something thanks dear, since you don’t like my boobs guess who won’t be touching them again. Beddings on the sofa

ClaryFray · 04/02/2018 20:04

He's a cunt.

When I moan I've put on weight and look like a beached whale my oh tells me I'm beautiful! Chuck yours and find one that's not such a twunt.

Chamomiletea8 · 04/02/2018 22:19

I can sympathise with you OP. Something similar happened to myself in a previous relationship. I have to be honest it was a game changer, felt like we was kind of living a lie from then on... I felt betrayed, hurt, ugly all-sorts. I lost respect for him in the end. Couldn't trust a word he said because I was thinking "wonder what he REALLY thinks" constantly second guessing. Awful relationship

SleepFreeZone · 04/02/2018 22:24

I don’t know how your managing to not talk to him about it. I know if it was me I would be so totally devastated I’d have to blurt it out 😬

CornforthWhite · 04/02/2018 22:26

You need to talk to him but I don’t think it’s the stupidest idea to post on the forum and call him out on this - with a thanks darling or similar. He needs to realise he’s writing things about you on the internet for all to see. People are always NC on here and saying they don’t want to be exposed in real life, because sometimes (not always) you can join the dots. Post something on the forum to start that conversation.

Original poster
WishIHadntLooked77 · 04/02/2018 23:39

Thanks for all the replies.

When I first read the stuff earlier today, I was really hurt and upset. Now I'm doubting myself - thinking am I making something out of some 'jokey' messages which weren't meant for me to see and probably weren't meant to hurt me? Then I come back to the thought that it's about me, on a public forum, and it's either what he really thinks about me/our marriage or it's some laddy persona he wants to put across.

I was paraphrasing in my OP, but here's some of it word for word:

"After having 2 kids they could do with being more pert."

"I'm in a bar with wall to wall totty. And I'm in a 12 year stretch so far :("

[in response to someone else's post re. finances] "One joint account for bills, one account for yourself. Then she has no say in the purchases. Perhaps a savings account for the divorce costs too ;)"

"My wife...[tech stuff re. changing phone settings]. I've told her about...[blah] but it falls on stupid ears."

"I think all men with partners agree with you. Like that old joke: 'How much did your wedding cost? I'm still paying for it.'"

"I've been married 12 years and I'm still getting some action. Just don't tell the wife though. Boom boom!"

[some tech comments] "...I'm not sure I like it. The wife likes it but what does she know ;)"

Now I've typed those out for you to see, I'm pretty fucking incensed again.

OP posts:
AlwaysPondering · 04/02/2018 23:48

How disgusting of him OP. Is this a persona or the real him... you need to see his reaction. Don't leave it too long to pull him up on it because you'll only be going back and forth with how you feel about it.

OMGWTFLMFAO · 05/02/2018 00:08

I would have no hesitation in LTB for this. You can write all those quotes word for word under "unreasonable behaviour" when you file for divorce. Fucking 2-faced arsehole.

Thanks for you OP. Such a horrible thing to find. You'll never get those words out of your head - his reaction when you confront him will help you gauge whether or not it's totally doomed... :-(

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/02/2018 00:09

I would sign up definitely and post an answer to each of his insulting terms

Then add your balls hang as low as my tits after a 12 yr stretch shit head.

💐 for you

longta · 05/02/2018 00:13

He wishes your breasts were more pert after having his children.

What a snivelling little bastard.

Theshipsong · 05/02/2018 00:16

Ok I'm not sure if I'm being too kind to him here but it sounds like he is being a bit laddish and putting on a persona.

What is he like in your relationship? Does he ever say or do anything that makes you feel as you feel right now? What is he like as a father? Doting? Or is parenting a chore he leaves mainly to you? Does he say things that make you look at yourself negatively?

greenlanes · 05/02/2018 00:21

contempt is a killer in a relationship.

And that is why you are so angry because he has shown you contempt. It took me a long time to be able to articulate why I was so angry and why I still am. I didnt deserve that contempt. And all the fucking shit courts and judges pretending that it doesnt matter. Yes it does - what are these arseholes showing to their children? Certainly NOT being a good dad etc.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/02/2018 00:32

Sorry opFlowers but there is no way I could get past the person who is supposed to love and cherish me more than anyone in the world posting such disrespectful shite about me online. As omg said, use his own words as grounds for 'unreasonable behaviour'.

How would you ever get past or believe anything he said again?? Unforgiveable.

Toddlernighthell · 05/02/2018 00:40

Your OP me me think he was a knob.
But your last post with quotes? Omfg I’d go mental, that’s so nasty and disrespectful to you Flowers

RLOU88 · 05/02/2018 00:42

This is awful. Sorry for you Flowers

lazydog · 05/02/2018 00:47

Wow. He's a fucking hideous excuse for a husband/partner. I'd be incensed too...along with devistated... So sorry OP Sad

NotWeavingButDarning · 05/02/2018 00:58

Wow those quotes made me wince. How awful. I'd screenshot everything and sit on it for a few days until you decide what to do, but you're certainly not overreacting. That's incredibly hurtful.

scottishdiem · 05/02/2018 01:05

"I've never seen women on here slagging off their partners' bodies or comparing a perfectly normal marriage to a prison sentence."

Really? (dont facny my husband anymore he has put on weight..... or even, my husband doesnt give the fannygallops anymore, so bored, want to leave - where the answer is usually create a separate savings account and get the ducks in a row. Hell, there was even a multiple set of threads 1000 posts long about leaving husbands who were faithful, good dads etc who were merely boring).

Does he treat you badly away from the screen?

halfwitpicker · 05/02/2018 01:10

He's a tosser.

incorruptibledream · 05/02/2018 01:18

I suspect he is just trying to fit in with his techy macho friends and doesn't mean a word of it. Sounds like pub talk to me. I wouldn't take it to heart. If any of it were true you wouldn't be describing him as your best friend. He's just showing off. This is not LTB territory or anywhere near it.

letsdolunch321 · 05/02/2018 01:20

I wouldn’t be that hung up about it.

I whinge about my dp snoring and being an idiot to my work colleagues, its not a big thing.

Had you gone on this site your dh was looking at and found out he was confessing to an affair then you would have reason to be upset/angry.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 01:22

I wouldn't be able to get past it. Those comments are so contempuous, it would really hurt me. I would have to tell him I had seen them, and ask him to go. I couldn't pretend everything was ok, and I don't think it ever would be again.

IndecisiveMama · 05/02/2018 01:37

Pretty nasty reading but I think he's just venting or acting one of the lads.
I would be upfront about it and tell him the truth. He will be angry and mortified and - after a dust up - you can clear the air.

Men don't have the friendships and support that we do. Pretty sure this will blow over as a nothing - but don't let it fester!!!

HUGS

Swipe left for the next trending thread