Snooped

[WishIHadntLooked77]

I wandered into the room while H was surfing earlier, and he closed his browser weirdly quickly. He was only on a tech forum, so it seemed a bit strange.

Stupidly, I snooped - I guessed his username and searched his posts. So you could say I deserved what I found. Admittedly, the unpleasant posts were a small number of his posts (the rest related to the forum subject mostly), but I’m feeling really hurt by them.

Among other things, apparently he finds me talking about work incredibly annoying and dull (I hardly ever do, and listen to his ranting every day), my boobs have seen better days (fair but harsh!), and when he was away for a boys’ weekend lately, it was ‘walk to wall totty’ but he’s ‘done a 12 year stretch’ so far - sad face. And various posts perving about random celebs, but I don’t mind that so much.

I’m probably over-reacting, but I can’t look at him right now. I thought he was my best friend, and now it feels like he has no respect for me. I work my arse off (full time job and 2 kids), listen to his constant griping and whinging, and do everything I can to make our home a happy one.

I don’t know whether to just try to forget it, or to admit that I snooped and call him out on the comments. What would you do?

That means "fuck you, wife". Sorry.

He's being really unpleasant about you on line. It's a nasty way to behave. He's telling everyone he is not happily married. It's more than just being a lad. It's also a reoccurring theme. It's more than just having a man. He's being nasty about you and saying he doesn't want to be married to you to anyone who cares to read.

Moan not man!

Thanks Bluntness - that’s what I thought.

21 years of being with him this year (14th wedding anniversary). He tells me he loves me most days. This is so screwed up.

Imagine how upset some of the mumsnet users husbands would be?

I'm afraid I agree with Smeaton

"I've been married 12 years and I'm still getting some action. Just don't tell the wife though. Boom boom!" this one is very concerning, I would be unable to trust my dh if I read these words from him.

Op I would not stay with a man whom shows so little respect. I would screen shot and email these posts for safe keeping. In the divorse petition I would quote each of his posts.

Fucker he is, respectful and loving he isn't.

How would he feel, if you started a thread on here, saying things like:

"My husband's dick isn't anywhere near as hard as it used to be"

"I'm getting some action, just don't tell my DH"

"My DH is really stupid/thick"

"UUgh, I've been married to him for 12 years :-( "

"I'm in a bar, and it's wall to wall with really hot guys, yum"

"I've started a divorce fund"

I'm sure he'd be rolling around with laughter at the "Bantz".

Or maybe he'd be really, really fucking mortified? Because, you know, you are meant to be one another's best friends, you are meant to have one another's backs.

He doesn't have yours.

What's more, he's talking about cheating. So he has either cheated already/is cheating now, or his thoughts are leaning in that direction.

Sounds like he's going to lose his wife and family over a cliched Mid Life Crisis. What a tool.

I'm sure you will go on to meet a man who thinks you're absolutely fabulous, and he will love your Tits. Just like my second DH loves mine. Meanwhile, he can have all the Bantz he likes on line, from his bedsit. If he can afford the broadband after you take him to the cleaners.

Definitely show him the thread. He's completely betrayed your trust and should be grovelling at your feet.

Meanwhile, he can have all the Bantz he likes on line, from his bedsit. If he can afford the broadband after you take him to the cleaners.

Sorry but this type of comment doesn't help. No one takes people 'to the cleaners'

"One joint account for bills, one account for yourself. Then she has no say in the purchases. Perhaps a savings account for the divorce costs too ;)" ........
Time to get ducks i a row and a savings account of your own.

Well now you know what he really thinks.

It's grim, mourn for the person you thought he was, but don't let him "deflect".

What would you say to your daughter if she discovered her husband was talking about her in this way, was bragging about cheating, was being kind to her face, but vile behind her back?

This isn't "fantasy/letting off steam" this is an aspect of his personality which you were not aware of until now, and now you do.

It is grim that you don't feel that his hurting YOU isn't enough to get his attention, for him to understand how shit his behaviour has been. That you feel you need to show him a thread where a load of randoms say it too.

You do know that being vile about you is enough, don't you?

I hear what you’re saying, diddle, but in the face of being told you’re over-reacting/he was just joking etc in past experiences, it’s hard to remember that it’s enough that I feel hurt.

In the past, it’s not been over anything like this - rather regular critical comments or negativity (not about my appearance, more about things I have or haven’t done).

Thanks for saying this. It’s really helpful to hear.

Was initially quite tempted to snip the comments, register and put them into a new post on his forum...with a “thanks, darling”!
I would and I have. And that's why he's an ex.

Whether he's "joking" or not, he doesn't respect you. He probably takes you for granted. Not sure how you get over that one to be honest. Will you speak to him about the posts?

Oh OP, this must be so hard for you personally I couldn't stay with someone who had said those things about me, I certainly wouldn't want to spend another 20 years with someone so two faced who viewed me with contempt.

Christ how old is he? Billy no mates is spewing juvenile sexist bullshit to be part of the gang. His comments are not a reflection on you but says a lot about your H’s lack of maturity.

Talk to him

I agree op. It's very strange behaviour. One to two stupid comments maybe fine, but this guy is doing it persistently. That's when it stops being a joke. Also if he was being funny you'd expect to see some nice comments too. His is all how he wants to divorce you, is cheating or wants to cheat, sees his marriage like a jail term, how you're stupid and thinks fuck uou about you, and he even stoops so low as to discuss your, apparently unsatisfactory to him, breasts with strangers on line.

No one would think that's funny. It's just plain nasty and so insulting.

As said for me, I couldn't get past this.

WishI I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I found out my exh had been sexting/having emotional affairs more than likely a physical one too when our ds was a baby. I didn't leave him, in fact we worked through or so I thought to the point of having another child.
Fast forward 5 years since first messages/dating profiles were found and I felt unsettled and his attitude towards me was on a par with his sexting days.
I snooped, what I found were in no way as explicit as previous messages, but they were deeply personal, about my body, our sex life even to the point of talking about him not "getting any this week" because I was on my period .
I have no doubt he was signalling his availability to said woman, but I didn't care , it was the personal nature of them, talking about me in intimate detail, how I felt about my post baby body, having vanilla sex, all the things I tried to discuss and work on.
That was it for me, I had nothing but contempt and he had no respect, therefore we had no hope of a relationship.
I can't tell you this is a LTB, that's for you to decide, I'm not privy to your history.
I just wanted to say I get how hurtful reading such awful personal slights can be.
It was the absolute end for me.
I wish you all the best. Please keep posting if it helps.

I snooped, what I found were in no way as explicit as previous messages, but they were deeply personal, about my body, our sex life even to the point of talking about him not "getting any this week" because I was on my period

Oooh, quite The Smooth Operator. In the wise words of DelBoy Trotter, did he really think that would knock her bandy?

Male here as name implied.
I'd be utterly mortified and 'frozen' in shock if Mrs Pan ever thought, said, or wrote to a bunch of strangers anything equivalent like this about me, or our marriage.
I am pretty sure from what you say he has not a clue about the impact of what he has been saying, even safe in the comfort of thinking you will never see it. He is being a skunk.
And...the more he writes this shit, the more he will internally take it on as being 'true' and start to regard you in this dim light.

And...he is also giving licence to all the other blokes to think/talk/behave in this disrespectful ways about their women folk and women in general.

You'd hope he would have a higher ambition for himself and other men than being an utter dick.

I sometimes think the people posting the mean messages, sending texts to OW etc. Actually want to get caught subconsciously. If you were going to post all that online or message OW and didn't want your partner to find out, surely you'd make it a lot harder for your partner not to hack into your phone or laptop. It's cowardly and definitely not funny. Rather than working on the marriage to bitch online to strangers.

I have thought less than charitable things about my dh. I have never said them to another soul- not my best friend nor a stranger. Your dh is horrible- hope u r ok .

Thanks for the comments. I know he's going to say I'm making something out of nothing, so pitiful as it may be, this is good to hear.

HuskyLover tell me about it. At the time I was mortified, I mean he could have at least tried the "she doesn't understand me/ we're more like housemates" script.
I can laugh at it sort of now, but at the time the comments about my body and lack of confidence were soul destroying.
Not least because the prick knew that I'd had issues around disordered eating and body image since my teens.