So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

[Quiddichcup]

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

I don’t really understand how that would work as well

Wouldn’t the guys be a lot better/faster than the women and just want to concentrate on their sport? Plus a lot of partnered up guys.

I did once join a meetup group for runners, and basically the only single guys there were nice enough but not really that attractive? (I don’t mean I want Brad Pitt, but they were really quite awkward overall - I mean they seemed keen on chatting me up but also a bit desperate )

Bauble that's lovely. I guess to maximise chances we have to be open to all methods, although I've just googled my local kayak club and it's a no from me (and I say that as someone who was happy to spend a day kayaking along the coast last summer but that white water stuff looks damn scary).

I met my dh at 49 but I do think that things are more difficult between ages 40 - 42. There suddenly seemed to be lots of men around from age 45, more than when I was younger.
That British military training business?
Gym
Watching the six nations in a pub
Work
Meeting girlfriends after work near where they work (widens your catchment area)
Men you knew years ago but they were married to someone else and have since been divorced (these are a particularly rich source)
Active holidays like sailing for beginners or skiing
Don't waste a single second on anyone who isn't normal and nice, but be prepared to give a little on looks and accumulated wealth provided he does work and is solvent. Men like to think they are punching, and it's a small price to pay.
I have two single men in my small team at work mid forties - both nice, funny, clever, a little overweight, well off. So they are out there. I've just listed above the things they do.

I’m 40 and have just been dumped by text while ill with flu and now I’m going to have a massive break from dating to focus on myself.

I liked tinder, it’s easy to use and nobody can send you messages unless you’ve also swiped right.

I agree Charismam I’ve also talked myself into giving men more of a chance, thinking it’s worth getting to know them despite any initial reservations. And I’ve been disappointed each time.

I recognise that I am spending too much time with men who aren’t emotionally available but I make allowances because I really like them. I have to stop making allowances as it is not helping me to meet someone who actually wants to be with me.

for me as I’m still unwell and nobody else is going to give me any.

I’m following your thread with interest OP - I feel I deserve interest and attention but I keep expecting it from the wrong men.

Foxtrot - you are well rid. Who does that! I really would like someone special in my life but it all feels like such hard work.

Good tips there megan

I actually remember one guy I met from match.com

He was the classic “awkward bad social skills” type - sort of ok looking but basically wanted to feathery stroke me on our first meet (coffee meet in the afternoon ). As he tried to grab my hand, I noticed he had really long,claw like, nails

I’ve also seen him out and about running in a group/club, and occasionally just with a (different) female runner (who presumably he tries to feathery stroke from time to time so they drift away)

So this is the kind of single dude I’d be afraid to encounter at a sports club

I actually knew a guy at work who was dead attractive (and I think he felt the same about me - something could have happened if I hadn’t been caught up with dealing with weirdo needy bloke ) and he was a tournament level cyclist. But I got the impression for him it was pretty much “serious sport/downtime” and he didn’t go there to meet women.

Yeh whilst id like to do those things, i work ft and need to spend weekends with dc. I really need somebody who gets THAT!!
Men always go on about how they love travelling on their profiles but id be more impressed by a man who had the tools to build a life he found fulfilling on the ground beneath his feet!!

As for tory boy sometimes it can be very exciting having discussions with people who are very different. I once dated a man on a date whose idol was margaret thatcher. He did turn out to be ruthless mind you.

God yeah the far flung places they’ve been in the last year. Bore off

Yeh!! Been all around the world and it still hasnt made them interesting!

I know what you mean!

Not dissing travel, but even Mr Boring can put a break to somewhere “exotic” or cultured on his credit card and take photos in front of monuments whilst following the schedule Lonely Planet gives him. It doesnt require any effort or challenge.

I actually find men more attractive who put the intellectual or physical effort into keeping fit or learning a language or a new skill or DIY or something which actually is more creative just “consuming” travel.

Watching the six nations in a pub Would any woman be prepared to sit through this shit really?

I love traveling!
Just sometimes it feels like competitive travelling
Like competitive skiing
Or cycling
Or golf
Or reading Proust
Etc etc!

"kayaking, climbling or running

But then I'd meet someone who thought I was interested in running, kayaking, or climbing, and I'm not."

And have a miserable time doing sports. Yuck!
I also only have one head.

Hahaha
Yes.
My hobbies are drinking and eating and watching crap telly. But you can’t really put that on your profile

"Watching the six nations in a pub Would any woman be prepared to sit through this shit really?"

Well, most women where I live seem willing to. Not me, though.The thing is it's immediately obvious that you don't understand rugby. Forcing yourself to do this to meet a very drunk man who likes watching rugby is just silly. The desperation will show through.

I really don't agree with 'just get a hobby'. Yes, maybe if you're 25 and meeting people automatically means meeting a lot of single people. If you're older, it's very, very hard to meet single people and lots of hobby groups are just about the activity i.e. you do the activity and then go home. You have to find something that specifically attracts single people and has a social/pub aspect as well.

People sometimes suggest evening classes, but in about 15 years of going to evening classes, only one led to a drink afterwards and I wasn't invited to that drink.

I know some guys who went to Yoga classes or meditation dance classes in the hope of meeting women/making new female friends etc.

NOT the kind of guys you’d want to date - really desperate and weird and unattractive and clingy.

As for tory boy sometimes it can be very exciting having discussions with people who are very different.

To be fair I am not certain that he votes Tory but there were a fair few indicators . He was clever / astute / funny. Talked about himself a lot. It wasn't a date - he was valuing the house which soon H and I might be fighting over . H was not there.

Would it be weird to message him - yes it would. Feel so fucking rubbish. Can at times hear H having long intimate sounding conversations on the phone late at night and it gives me the rage. Plus in my relationship with H I have been lonely for ages - I am fed up of being so unloved. But anyone who is not H would feel like an alien .

Anyway - got to look on the bright side.

thisishard2
I would step away from anyone for a decent amount of time. It’ll just do more harm than good.
Your DH is a dick for doing that. But it’s not a competition, sometimes we want to prove we are happy and have moved on. But it doesn’t work

Thanks userxx

I agree that’s a good list Megan plenty to do when I want to get back out there dating. Each time a short relationship ends I feel like I’ve wasted time yet again. I’d like to think I’m learning more as I go along.

As above the key to the hobbies thing is to do something you've a genuine interest in so you win either way. Every week I volunteer (meet lots of women), play sport (meet none) and go to the pub (depends) whether I'm single or not so am out there anyway not that it's worked

Obv being single with no kids I've more options than everyone else on this thread but if those aren't practical for you, what is? Your existing circle of friends is usually a good starting pont.

What doesn’t help for me is living in a sleepy seaside village with virtually no eligible men.

Living in the back of beyond means I’m used to travelling but people outside my area think it’s too far for them to come to me. Longer term I think I’m going to have to consider moving if I want to be in with a chance of a lasting relationship. One of the reasons my recent boyfriend ended it was distance. He lived 40 miles away and I guess was not into me enough to make it work. I think moving might also open me up to the social circles to naturally meet people as described above?

I’ve talked mostly about myself but hopefully it comes across that I’m hearing you all and in a similar boat.

I have lovely friends but I have not had any introductions to single men through them in the past 6 years!

I go to the gym, I’ve learnt to cross country ski, I’ve learnt to dingy sail, I go to evening work functions, I watch the Six Nations in pubs with friends BUT no single men ......!

I think there must be an element of luck because I’m doing all the things people recommend for SIX years!

What about asking your friends if they know anyone or if their partner has any mates who are single/nice, not an utter bellend and would like to meet someone?