So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

[Quiddichcup]

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

Guardian Soulmates - is that any better than the rest? A friend of mine met the love of her life through a good old fashioned introductions agency - Caroline Crowther ran it. I think it was expensive and initially she rejected her partner because he wore a silly waistcoat to their first date, but once she had thought it through and met him again it turned into an enduring relationship.

I'm reading this thread with interest, even though I have never experienced online dating (happily married for nearly 20 years).

A couple of single, 50-ish female friends, both of whom have successful professional lives and are very financially secure, have regaled me recently with tales of online dating woes. They have both dated younger men clearly fantasising about a "sugar mummy", people who are on the rebound from very damaging break-ups and not ready to move on, and many who play ridiculous games about meeting up and what they want out of the relationship.

I can only assume that, if you use a free service with no element of screening, you can waste a lot of time on people who have "issues" or are just looking for a hook up. Are there not services available, where you pay a more than nominal fee, hopefully screening out time wasters, and where some effort is made to introduce you to people who are likely to be suitable?

ExConstance Guardian Soulmates seems very heavily weighted to places like Manchester and people who lean very much one way of politics.

Fozzley No, it genuinely matters not whether you use a free site or a paid site, it's all pretty much the same. In fact, the paid sites tend to use fake profiles to lure you back in when you membership is about to run out and after months of nothing you suddenly get messaged by incredibly attractive women/men (delete as appropriate)

Foz, yep. That's how it is. If you hadn't experienced it you would be quite shocked.

Paid sites make no difference as they are mostly fake profiles and there is no screening, anyone can make anything up, it's not checked.

Lots of big sites like guardian are only good if you are in a big city. I'm not.

I don't know how some of the women do it on the dating thread.....They get ghosted,dumped,love bombed used etc and still keep going back for more shit in the hope that one might be a keeper.
Sadly I don't read many positive stories on the dating thread which has kind of confirmed my view that OLD is soul destroying and hasn't changeddit much over the years.

I'm 40 and met somebody last year through POF. I think though I was extremely fortunate as it was my first time on there and I was only for a few hours when he messaged me. I left my profile up for a few weeks and had loads of messages from weird blokes. He was the only one I replied to.

My bf is 10 years older than me though and it works really well for us but appreciate not everybody would go for an older guy. The biggest advantage is his dc are all adults so no splitting weekends. He is one of the most lovely blokes I've ever met!

To be honest I think your “sperm Donor” comment might have some legs in it. A lot of men online dating would see a woman of late 30’s with no children as a loud ringing alarm ! It won’t rule everyone out but it will rule out lots.

I think joining clubs with lots of men in them would be better for you as you have already said you don’t like online dating.

I am 48 and met someone great through PoF.

I think on answer to your question... stop seeing 40 as old? Maybe you’re giving off negative vibes?

Since when did I say 40 was old?

I thought it was implied from your title, plus where you say ‘at this point...’ kind of sounds a bit world weary in an age related way.

Well it's not 20. But it's not old.

Without a doubt it IS harder to meet someone the older you get, which is what I meant.

Of course it is. It’s a tricky age. Men in their 40’s will often go for as young as they can get away with, especially online and men a bit older will probably have grown up kids and not want anymore. The pool from which to select or be selected is much smaller.

Personally I can do without it all. I’m 46 now and not bothered. Sex has never really been that important to me and I really don’t see much point in men other than that and DIY especially as I am too old to have kids now. I get on better with women. Men’s habits, hobbies and interests generally just don’t interest me. In fact they irritate me.

My perfect partner would been interested in art galleries, theatre and trekking up hills and across fields. Oh and have a very low sex drive.....how many takers do you think that would attract! I’ll answer it for you....not many

Dp massively ticks some boxes

Kind
Funny
Bright
Trustworthy
Decent job
Own home
Minimal baggage

But there are a few areas I have had to compromise on that I never thought I would. He doesn't drive for medical reasons, for example.

With xh he ticked every box on paper, including daft ones like being over 6ft tall, fluent in other languages, a super high achiever. Unfortunately that came with a side of narcissism that I hadn't factored in and was impossible to live with.

I think being realistic is a massive part of successful old.

People always think it's cos you're too fussy. there's no over lap between the men I'd see again and the men who like me properly. not bothering atm.

I'm too old. Men ten years older than i am are still being cast as leading men in films but it's hopeless at 47, there's always a younger woman and you're never the one they will commit to and i won't put up with half measures so single forever I guess.

". A lot of men online dating would see a woman of late 30’s with no children as a loud ringing alarm"

The types of men who are threatened by childfree by choice women because they can compete on the same level as them career wise.

So childfree by choice women will see this attitude as a loud ringing alarm.

I was actually thinking of starting a thread like this. I am a guy by the way - registered to comment on another thread. I am not a mum!

It's tough dating when bit older.

Op what are you looking for from this thread? Are you just looking for people to agree with you or give sympathy on how awful OLD is? Or practical advice on how to meet people?

There have been lots of good suggestions here about meeting people in other ways, it doesn’t have to be through OLD if you dislike it so much. Yes it’s harder to meet people when you’re a single parent as time is limited but it’s not impossible. Yes luck does come into it but I believe sometimes you have to give luck a helping hand. Get into the right places at the right times and it will happen eventually. Usually when you’re not expecting it and looking your worst 😂

I am guessing OLD is an online introduction service? I have never used one of those. Lots of Fish I know a friend has tried but she frequently moans about the men on there.

Thing is I am fiercely independent so not sure if that is an off putting thing for a woman. I have my own home, have hobbies I enjoy but it is nice to share time.

Sorry OLD - that means On Line Dating? It is not a site called OLD for older people?

Get into the right places at the right times and it will happen eventually.

Sorry but that is untrue. It MAY happen, not will. Otherwise why do I know attractive intelligent women who are still single after 11 years. Not even single parents?

Correct!
and it’s plenty of fish. Though I’ve never used it!

The OP asks how someone finds someone "decent"....

But how do you define "decent"?

Good point @treedragon. As a divorced male, aged 50, I've been on (and off) POF for over 6 years & can safely say that I've only met a very small % of the women I've message or spoken to on there. I believe I am decent (especially after reading the many tales of woe from the women on here) but women seem as shallow as men (or worse) by ignoring anyone who doesn't tick ALL their boxes, or is not Brad Pitt.

Also have to agree about the paid sites. I joined one last year & was immediately bombarded with "likes" from women who had not looked at my profile, were all aged under 30, and lived hundreds of miles away. One day I received 17 of these - I flagged each & every one until I found out how to set the filters to block them. Absolute scam.

Have you tried match or GS? I think pof is a bit well...rubbish
It’s the same for men and women. Who are these fandoms out there who don’t want a proper relationship
Can’t they just go on proper hookup sites. Would be much easier for them

I guess I never really realised that there are a lot of super single ladies out there who are over 35.