So how does someone 40 meet anyone decent?

[Quiddichcup]

Well, 39.
I've been single for 10 years. I've had times where I have done lots of dating and times when I have done none. I've had a tiny bit of real life interest that has come to nothing. I've made moves in real life and nothing.

I'm as happy on my own as I can be but would really like this to change.

I've tried going back online but I get turned off them so quickly and then there is no point as they are not what I want.

At this point it feels about as likely as winning the lottery.

I view deal breakers (no matter how ludicrous/unrealiatic) as a positive as they tell you a lot and save time in the long run. So if they're into tall guys or have a shallow shopping list of characteristics I know they're not the one for me.

At some point red lines tip over into Moon-on-a-stick territory but it's up to all of us to choose where our line is.

I've taken on the mantle of go-to single guy for newly single female acquaintances clearly on the rebound and desperate to be back in a (ANY) relationship. I know that doesn't apply to anyone on this thread , but that needy self-centredness is really unattractive.

So make the best of your current situation and try to find a way of having a social life/hobbies/down time for your own good and see where it takes you.

My own particular red lines are basic intelligence (not necessarily academic), a positive outlook and someone not completely socially awkward. I can work round most other things, but happy enough on my own in the meantime.

Oh, the social awkwardness. Yes that's another thing on the list.... one boyfriend introduced himself to my mother by telling her he doesn't wear pants.

And another took a book with him so he didn't have to talk to anyone.

It's not what I want in a partner.

Apologies Quiddich I hadn't realised we'd met before. Tell your mum im sorry for mentioning the (lack of) pants, but I just felt so free y'know?

We all have out moments and it's ok to be antisocial in our own time but I can't abide drama or embarrassment or being inconsiderate to family/friends/the world in general

I've turned down +1s for weddings when I've started seeing someone since being invited but couldn't trust them not to hard work/need babysitting for the day. At that stage it was probably clear they weren't #TheOne

I think one of the weirdest socially odd things happened to an old uni friend of mine (who was briefly single) and went for a coffee with a lady who seemed very nice & normal but she then told him that she was "a free pooer" and always carried her stick with her. He clearly looked non-plussed as he had no idea what she was talking about & she explained that she likes to poo al fresco & carries a poo stick for digging a wee hole to poo in. She asked if it was something he'd consider and he was rendered completely speechless - having initially thought it was some kind of elaborate wind up. I should add this was from a rural part of the country & not central London.

I bet that woman still finds somebody!! Ill be single forever but even the freepooer will find a good man 🤣

Margo: seriously? A free poo-er. That has to be the strangest thing I have ever heard. Did he go on a second date?? Hahahaha!

Coming back here for tips later!

Me too. Considering it but after reading some of the horror stories on here maybe not!

Wow. That's up there and I have had some pretty weird ones. Situations where you think you need to pinch yourself as you must be dreaming.

Damn ontheair, I'll have to block you now

I was seeing someone for 4 months once. Invited him round for boxing day as he was going to be in his own. Then dumped him and revoked his invite when he told me he would need picking up and dropping off, would be very hungover but would expect a lot of drink and would bring a book as he doesn't like to talk to people.

Weirdo.
I wanted a normal guy who would bring some nice drink and chocolates. Have a drink and join in the board games/ chat/ laugh and then come home with me.

Am quite depressed now. Am 49, getting divorced and basically want my ex but without all the reasons we are getting divorced .

Felt vaguely attractive to an estate agent but he was wearing a pinstripe suit and probably votes Tory and for Brexit maybe . He also said that he could not live in Brighton as it is too gay, and the area I was looking to move to possibly is apparently too "niche a community" foreign then.

SO MANY RED FLAGS.

Anyway. It all feels dismal. Feel lonely and don't know where to put myself.

I’m going to guess that free pooer used that story when she didn’t especially like the cut of her date’s jib 😂

I love a bad date story, I’m not sure why I find them so fascinating. I had a guy talk at me for an hour and a half and it was like rapid gunfire. I was so tired by the end that I actually felt sick. I came away from another date knowing all about the historical pitch movements of all the Bristol football and rugby teams, and an in-depth knowledge of the middle management structure of a double glazing firm.

Good times.

I'm 49....the thought of dating someone my own age or older fills me with horror ! I don't look 49, (I don't think lol) and men my age always seem to be so much older than me. I am v fussy....I have to find them attractive, they cannot be old fuddy duddies and I do not want to be someone's hand maiden......do I have a chance with OLD?????

I'm 54. Met OH 4+ years ago at a music event. Eyes across the room thing. I'd tried Tinder before then, when it 1st launched. Went on a date with 1 guy. Nice, but no spark. However he wasn't a horrible person at all. Lives local we stop for a chat if we bump into each other..

I'd tried online dating before. So horrendous. Tinder didn't feel so bad and the guy I met there was nice, even if not for me

Personally I think maximising chances of meeting someone = getting out and about. I like dance & music events (age appropriate of course) so meeting someone on that scene suited me. You'd have to get out if you were dating anyway - wouldn't you? As you wouldn't just want to see each other indoors if it progressed beyond 1st date. Especially with your child at home too.

OH is 62 doesn't look it at all. Still tall, and lean. Neither of us are anywhere near obese. We're active enough. Tinder man was very slim too. It's a bit off to say older = obese really.

The couples I know, are similar in age to each other (so the 50s men aren't all chasing 10+ years younger..(it's 'online' reinforcing that myth). Of the women I know that are longterm single, they don't do much beyond go to work come home, if they've a child they do the childcare etc. They're not out and about.

I think it's a case of getting up, getting out, seeing who's out there. Never know

I must send more messages myself. I found if I sent out ten messages then Id get enough replies to forget the ones who didnt respond.

It is too c9ld right now thoygh

I think that's the biggest stumbling block when you are a single parent, getting out and about is very very difficult. No doubt it IS probably the answer. But also very very hard.

Quiddich over the last couple of years I have volunteered, joined book groups, been to about a million concerts/plays/exhibitions, been out with friends, and joined classes. I haven't met a potential romantic partner at any of those things.

Agree with all the pp’s here! I’ve done the “lots of dating” thing before and am on a break for now.

So I’m concentrating more on self development - moving careers, working out, working on my language skills etc.

The trouble with meeting lots of weirdos/needy types in a short time frame is (funny stories aside) I think it throws one into a negative/weird/untrusting frame of mind

and even if the potential for a great connection then comes along, I’ll be too blinkered or cynical to see it?

I dated someone who had the whole “ok on paper but lacking in social skills” and although I externally see myself as quite resilient/thick skinned etc, this weird clingy man (who I had to “talk myself into” interacting with) ended up consuming loads of time and energy and passing his own weirdness onto me (and ended up socially blocking me meeting anyone else for some time)

Especially when older, I think the ones who are left behind are often the unhealthy ones who a lot of other people have passed over (for good reason). And these types tend to be a time and emotional drain.

So I’m resolving to have nothing going on unless it’s someone I really feel “yes” about with positive energy and a good outlook who I’m proud to be associated with.

Having said that I plan to do more new things this year so fingers crossed!

Once or twice ive talked myself in to a man and they end up dumping me and it is an unnecessary rejection.
Ive learned not to settle cos when u settle u get even less than u settled for.

There has to be an emotional response.

Soft, you sound so much like me!
Last few years I've just put effort into myself and things have improved. I feel like I deserve my own effort and attention.

If you had 2 heads and are female you will meet someone doing the following, kayaking, climbling or running.
Not doing these by yourself, but by joining the clubs in the area. I'm telling you this is what you need to be doing.

Was single through my thirties then met dp online at age 40. He was the second person I " chatted" to and the first I went on a date with. Three years later we have 14 month old twins. I knew he was the one and OLD is the best decision I ever made.

kayaking, climbling or running

But then I'd meet someone who thought I was interested in running, kayaking, or climbing, and I'm not.

Me neither!